The phoenix's hypothesis - Book 1 (MxM 18+)

Chapter 29: Guilt and punishment

Ethan, Tue Feb 10th 2015

"Red!" I hear my boy whisper just after his body suddenly tensed. Shit! My cock deflates almost instantly as I get out and tightly hug my angel who has begun to shake uncontrollably. How did this just happen? This is the first time I ever had a Sub safeword on me to stop like this. Safewords are like those big red button you see in an elevator or on big machineries. You know they are there for your safety but you hope to never have to use one of them. Fuck! Of course this is all my fault!

What did I do wrong? I ask myself as I try to calm my boy. It can't just be the fact I slammed into him roughly. This happened before and he was fine after it. Or was it the position? We had already practiced a similar one on the bench, so I didn't think this one would cause any problem. No... the only thing that was new is the fact I told him he had been a bad boy. I pale as I suddenly realize this was very close to name-calling, which is a hard limit for him. How could I be so stupid! I mentally slap myself. In the meantime, my Sub finally stopped trembling in my arms, but is still weeping against my chest.

"Shhhhh, it's okay, I've got you, Pet!" I say over and over. It breaks my heart to see him like this.

"I'm so sorry, Master!" he answers, sobbing, after a while.

"Don't worry about this for now, Pet," I reply, rubbing his back in circle motions with my hands. First part of the punishment is over in any case and I'm seriously considering forgetting about the second bit altogether. This will be part of a discussion we need to have afterward, when he has calmed down. I will do whatever is needed to make this right, I swear to myself. I don't know how long we stay in this position but eventually my boy stops crying and his breath becomes even again.

"Can we talk about what just happened?" I ask him. "Or do you need more time?"

"No, I'm okay now. Thank you, Master!"

"No need to thank me, Pet." You wouldn't be in this situation if not for me... "Let's go sit in the couch."

To be more precise I sit on the couch and he straddles my lap. We stare at each other silently for a while. I try to convey as much warmth and reassurance as I can in my gaze, while his own is still full of shame and regret. I know that the guilt at disappointing me can be harder than any punishment I could lay on him but this is part of what will make him progress and encourage him not to make the same mistake again.

"Can you explain to me what happened at the table, Pet?" I ask softly.

"I started to have another flashback, I'm so sorry, Master."

"You have nothing to apologize for," I reply, hammering each word. "It's me who should ask for your forgiveness. I went over your limits, which is completely unacceptable, even during a punishment." His eyes suddenly widen with surprise at my words. Did he seriously expect me to blame him for his panic attack? He should know better by now. "What I would like to know, Pet," I continue, "is what triggered this flashback."

"I'm not sure, Master. I think it was a mix of several things."

"Let's try to isolate the one that upset you the most, then." Even if I have a pretty good idea as to what the problem was, I would like him to confirm it to me on his own.

"I think it was when you called me a bad boy, Master," he whispers shyly.

"I came to the same conclusion... I am really sorry I used these words, Pet. I should have realized they were off the table with you. I have no excuse... I promise I won't do it again."

"But you were right!" he exclaims. "I have been bad! Why can't I even bear to hear the truth? I'm so pathetic..."

"Calm down, Pet," I reply, hugging him. Shit, I can't believe I triggered a panic attack and more of his self-loathing tendencies. "There is nothing wrong with you being a little more sensitive on name-calling. I should have insisted on how proud I was that you took the first part of your punishment so well instead. And stop demeaning yourself! You are not pathetic, you are my perfect beautiful Pet. Understood?"