I'll find you

6. Unspoken words

Emily's POV

I made my way upstairs. All the doors were closed except one, one of them was slightly open and you could hear sobs. And if you've heard Alison crying, you know it's breaking me slowly.

I felt guilt, sadness, anger. I felt so much anger because I was the reason she was crying.

Is this all I do to her now?
I made her cry when I left, and I'm making her cry now that I came back.

I opened the door and there she was. Sitting on the floor against her bed with her knees against her chest. She was facing me but she had her hands in her face.
I was paralyzed.
What would you do in a moment like this?
What would you do if the person you love the most would be infront of you crying because of you?

Would you run away because it hurts too much and you feel too much guilt that you can't handle it to see them like that?
Would you run up to that person hold them in your arms and tell them how sorry you are?

Then, with her broken tearful eyes she looked at me.
And I just lost my strength.
I closed the door behind me and just sitted on the floor against it. Looking at the floor, not capable to look at her.

"Why?" She whispered, her voice cracking,
"why now?".

I stayed silent.
Before coming here, I thought about how she'd react, what she'd tell me, if she'd tell me to leave or stay.
But I didn't think of what I would tell her.

"You can't do this Emily. You can't just come here on my wedding day as if nothing happend."

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Alison's POV

"I just..." she started saying but kept looking at the floor. We were facing eachother just not looking at eachother.

"When I heard you were getting married, I-I realized that you weren't going to wait anymore... I guess in my mind I kept telling myself that you would wait for me to get my shit togheter and have the guts to come back...But when Spencer told me about the wedding, I understood that I lost you." She said as tears escaped her eyes, just like mines did.
Apparently it was Spencer who told her. I thought it would've been Hanna to be honest.

"I'm not gonna lie...I missed you, of course I did. And when we stopped talking... I looked for bits of you in everyone I met. I hoped to see your face everytime there was a knock on the door and I'd open it. I hopped you'd keep your promise." I told her and she finally looked me in the eyes.

"I could say that I'm sorry, but you deserve better than that. But I want you to know that... leaving you and not fighting enough was the worst mistake of my life. It probably looked that I had moved on, but I could never do that Alison. Never. You were always my favorite chapter that I keep re-reading night after night , until my eyes are red with tears and my heart hurts from the memories of your touch." I couldn't keep looking at her and hearing her soft words.

She has always been good with words. She says the ones you need to hear the most but you don't even know which ones they are until she says it.

So as tears rolled down I looked at my fingers.
"I had to see you one last time at least. I told Spencer that if I came and you'd tell me to leave I would. But if you still feel something Alison..."

"You can't be serious." I chuckled sarcastically as I looked at her again. Now staring at eachother's eyes I kept going,
"You can't come here after 5 years of no calls, messages, anything. Just because someone told you I had finally moved on. You can't be that selfish."

"I know. And I know I hurt you but Alison I was hurt too. And you didn't call or texted either. We both made a mistake by giving up. And at first I also thought I was crazy and selfish for thinking that coming here on your wedding day was a good idea. But I thought about everything Alison. About everything we've been through and... I-I had to do something. The thought that you could possibly still feel something made me come back. And I am really sorry for taking so long to realize how stupid I was being for not coming back earlier."

Silence filled the room for a few seconds.

"Alison I know I messed up. Please I know that but.... Don't you think it's wrong to marry a man when you may still have feelings for someone else?" When she said that I felt anger get into me.

"What? Wrong?? Emily do you know how many nights I cried ? How much I was hurt? God I knew I loved you but I when you left and I felt so empty. I realized you were really my everything. And by losing you I literally lost everything. I-I tore myself open to see if I was as empty as I felt... I wasn't happy. Some days I was just less sad than others. Until I met Ethan. He brought me genuine smiles you know? And I missed that. I missed being loved. I missed the way you made me feel and he gave me something similar to it so I took it. I was desperate to feel something again. To stop feeling so numb. So don't tell me it is wrong. Because I just tried to survive to a life without you." My face was soaked by now and hers was too. It was easy to say these words to eachother but it wasn't easy to hear them either.

Right now we were letting everything out. 5 years of unspoken words finally coming to be heard.

"I didn't come back earlier because I was scared. When we stopped talking I thought 'it's time to come back' but thoughts that you might've be with someone else made me stay in California. I was afraid to come back and you'd give me the 'let's be friends' talk. And I know! I know it was stupid but that's what I felt! And now it really is happening.
After graduating I gave up. I stopped living life. I was literally just trying to get to the next day, just living in the thought of tomorrow. I wasn't living, I was waiting. And the problem was, I didn't know what I was waiting for. I was kinda scared of what it might be. But I also wanted it to end. I didn't want to keep living a life where I couldn't have you. And when Spencer accidentally told me, the pain I felt was even deeper. But then this thought that maybe it wasn't too late, gave me hope. And I took the risk to come here. Because I love you Alison."

Hearing her say this just made me even more confused.

Will I really have to choose between them? Will I be capable of that?

"Emily I-" as I was about to speak we heard the door bell ring.

God please don't be Ethan.

I stood up and Emily did the same. As I was walking towards the door she stood in front of me.

Don't do anything crazy!

"After we leave this room you'll have to make a decision. I am sorry for doing this to you. Maybe I should've stayed in California but I want you to know, that...I'll respect whatever decision you make and I'll still love you with everything I have." I closed my eyes as she spoke,

"And I want you to remember that you can close your eyes to the things you don't want to see... but you can't close them to the things you don't want to feel."

And after that she opened the door. She made her way downstairs and after a few second I did too.

"Hey, it was the pizza guy." Aria said as she saw us walking into the living room.

Great.