Totally Clueless

Chapter 22

Josh was still angry.

Reid's apologies had gotten him no where.

Reid juggled the situation over and over in his head. What did he not say to his brother? He had lost count of the number of times he had said he was sorry. He'd explained his reasons. What more could he do?

He descended the stairs wednesday morning to see Josh already up playing video games.

Video games?

At 5 in the morning? He wanted to ask Why so early but he didn't dare.

"Hey" he greeted.

No response came back to him.

He took a deep breath and pushed his agitation out with a deep exhale. This time he knew he was in the wrong and come hell or high water he would make it right.

He went to the kitchen as usual. Then returned fifteen minutes later.

"I made chai....want some?"

"I'm good." Josh responded eyes still dead ahead.

Reid looked around the room to make sure there was no other person hidden in a corner that he had failed to notice, but of course there was no one.

Josh had actually acknowledged him. Yes, he had refused the tea but he had responded, it was a start.

"Breakfast then? I'm making..."

"Not hungry..."

As much as Reid was trying to stay positive he couldn't help but wonder if Josh's refusal to him was better than being totally ignored.

"Just so you know...I'm not trying to poison you....there are no drugs in the food."

Josh merely glanced at him for a few seconds.

"Are you going to hold this against me for the rest of my life? I'm sorry, again..." Reid said. Unable to keep his cool as planned.

"I heard you the first time, and the second, and the third...I know your sorry....I never said I didn't believe you..."

"But your obviously still mad...You refused my chai and I'm actually making breakfast Josh, me...."

"I refused chai 'cause I had some already....and I refused breakfast 'cause you can't cook...Your assumptions are wrong Reid, just like you assume I'm angry because I don't think your sorry..."

"Then why?"

Josh put down the control on the floor next to him.

"You honestly don't see what you did...it cut me up so bad because I never expected this. Not from you..."

"What?"

"You and I, we've had the same life, been through the same kinds of stuff, you... if no one else, knows how it feels to be treated like a pawn. To have your choices taken away, you've lived it. How could you be the one to turn around and do the same thing to me? That's the part I've been trying to make sense of....all this time."

Reid was speechless. He wished he could undo his mistake but he couldn't.

"I...I didn't think of it like that..."

"You didn't think!"

"I didn't think...I'm..."

He'd already said it a million times;
He couldn't bring himself to say it a million and one. Besides I'm sorry didn't quite cut it.
Not this time.

Now that he understood he felt his breath go flat and an unfamiliar feeling turned in his stomach. It replaced his annoyance. It wasn't just hurt or empathy. It was shame.

His throat became dry. His breath dragged against the lack of moisture there...and it took away the sound in his voice so his words had no volume.

"Maybe I'll have the chai...." Josh finally said breaking the 40 seconds of agonizing silence that surrounded them.

"I'll get it." Is all that came out.
And he did just so.

Before his recovery Josh shrugged at the importance of popping pain killers and only took them when he felt like pain may intensify instead of everyday like the doctor recommended. A surreal sort of fear actually came over him at the thought of pills entering his mouth and sliding down his throat into his gut. Then actually staying there, entering his blood steam and spreading over his entire body, like a desease.

When Chrisy was around however, dodging was imposible. She had an unexplained power over him because all he ever wanted to do was please her.

One particular weekend when the four of them hung out at the twins house Chrisy had asked Josh about taking his pills. Reid heard, but said nothing, anxious to hear the response she would get.

He vividly remembered mentioning it that very morning and Josh had snapped at him like an angry parrot.

Ever since Josh had confronted him about betraying their trust, meds had become a touchy subject between them. The guilt just would not go away. As Chrisy sat on his lap that evening she saw the pills on the table next to the sofa where they sat.

" Did you take these yet?" She asked.

"Maybe later"

"Maybe now?"

She popped them out and batted her puppy dog eyes at him.

She placed two pills in his mouth and handed him some juice to swallow. She sealed it with a deep passionate kiss, that lingered and ligered and lingered.

Reid could not believe his eyes . For the millionth time Chrisy had so easily gotten Josh to do something that he had tried to get him to do but couldn't.

"Really? I begged you to take those this morning and you acted like I did even exist." Reid felt and involuntary knit in his eyebrows as annoyance tapped on the back of his neck.

"Maybe you just didnt do it right?" Chrisy responded.

" Oh really...? and what do you suggest Chrisy?" Reid asked sarcastically.
"...Sitting in his lap maybe... slicking his hair back , sticking my tongue in his mouth like you did? Okay...maybe next time."
He wasn't angry. But he sure as hell was annoyed.

Kerry swallowed at the sarcasm as it conjured distasteful pictures in her head.

"I think I'm gonna be sick..." she commented and they all just laughed.