Totally Clueless

Chapter 31

"When you mess up you're suppose to fix it. Your suppose to shower girls with gifts so they know your sorry and that your thinking of them and that you care."
Josh affirmed silently as he got ready the next day for school. He had to at least try to convince himself that it could make a difference.
"...What do girls like any way? Flowers or roses...nah...that's too old school...chocolate...that's good, or jewelry....no...flowers...Chrisy likes Roses...I gave her a rose on our first date and she loved it. I bet she'd like rubies or emeralds....emeralds would set off her eyes so perfectly...no... diamonds...yes diamonds....if I could afford diamonds...besides she already has diamonds....She has everything...who am I fooling...she can do so much better than this...than me...should I even bother to fight for her?" he sighed. "...But she makes me feel so different...so complete...I can't not be with her..." His thoughts had him twisted up in a maze.

On their way to school he stopped and bought her chocolates. He knew her. She loved chocolates especially the ones with all sorts of surprises in them. It would be perfect. Probably even give him a chance to talk to her. He was going to be fearless, even shameless if the need be.

He was late for home room that morning but she was there. That's all that mattered. She didn't look like she had the day before. Neither did Kerry. They seemed brighter. Refreshed. Josh wasn't sure if that was a good thing or bad thing. All he knew was that the bright lights in the class room hit her features in all the right places. Her hair, her eyes...oh those bold blue eyes that mesmerized him constantly sending him into a trancelike state every time he got lost in them.

He made his way to his seat next to her in the adjacent row. He let out a long nervous sigh and hoped for the best. He slid the box of chocolates on her desk from where he sat and waited for a response.

Chrisy eyed the box from the corner of her eyes. She felt her heartbeat quicken and her muscles tensed. She didn't care what was inside all she knew was Josh had put it there. She didn't want it. She didnt want anything from him. She used her elbow to push them away from her and they tumbled right of the desk to the ground. The box crashed violently to the ground and flew open and little chocolate filled hearts spilled everywhere.

Josh felt as if it was his heart that fell out of his chest and crashed into the ground and broke into a million pieces. He swallowed hard as his head bowed in defeat.
Homeroom was over and it was time for classes to begin. But he wouldn't give up.
It was simply time for another plan.

He couldn't admit to Reid his plan had failed for fear he might have said I told you so. He just swallowed his defeat and went back to the drawing board. Maybe he should have gone with flowers. That was classic. That's what you gave to girls wasn't it? He thought to himself.

Some time between school,Football practice and work he would find the time to buy her roses. Maybe pink ones. She loved pink.

His flowers ended up in the bin. No words exchanged still. Not even a look in his direction. Not even.

As a last resort Josh asked Horace How Chrisy was. He thought she would surely have said something to him. But she hadn't. Chrisy was still disappointed in her father for keeping such a secret from her and so she had not opened up to him. She had spent most of her time in her room.

Chrisy had barged into her father's office one evening. She wanted to confront him. Get some answers. Frustration had willed her that way. But she had stopped suddenly in her tracks when she saw that Josh was with him. She excused her self instantly. "I didn't notice you were with a client." She had said.

At that moment Josh wished he could disappear. Whether or not the insult was meant for him or her father, She had reduced him to one of her dad's clients. The words knocked reality right into him.

Kerry was unreadable.
One moment she was quiet, withdrawn, detached as if drowning in deep melancholy. Another time she was the opposite of that. Too perky, too happy, just trying too damn hard to be all of the above. To be like they used to be before they met the boys. To retrieve some form of normalcy. She dragged Chrisy to the mall on numerous occasions to over indulge in shopping for expensive things. Manicures, pedicures, spa visits, over indulging in girl time. Trying to convince herself and everyone else that she was ok.

For Chrisy though, it could never be like it was. Josh had brought something extra to her life. Something she didn't know how to explain but she didn't want to live without. And now that he wasn't there. There was a gap again. That thing was missing. Her longing for him produced a aching pain in her chest but just always long enough for her to remember how he had lied, how he had pretended to be someone he wasn't, and then the pain would intensify, and she'd slip deeper into her sorrow, and feel like she was suffocating.