Totally Clueless

Chapter 46

Reid did not go to Kerry's party.

He couldn't handle it. Instead he spent the evening with himself thinking about her. He was not the type to loose sleep over a girl. Girls were plentiful. What had happened to him? Was he getting soft? Why couldn't he find interest in any other girl since the day he met her? Why had he only wanted her? Why couldn't he move on? He knew the answers but he couldn't admit to himself that he might love her.

Reid hadn't slept a wink.

"You look like a truck just hit you,"Josh greeted as he staggered into the kitchen and saw Reid pouring coffee.

"Thanks. Top of the morning to you too bro." Reid replied sarcastically.

He ran a hand over his face in mild frustration.

"I've  been up since forever" he continued "...the nights just seem so damn long these days"

"No...not really. Is this about Kerry?"

"No...off course not." He defended. "...Why would you even bring her up?"

They both sat at the table in the kitchen sipping coffee.

"So, how did last night go?" Reid asked casually trying to seem uninterested.

"I dont know...okay...I guess.." Josh answered. His face plastered with unsure expression.

"What does that even mean?"

"Okay...I just didn't want you to feel bad, but it was crazy...Aunt T hired staff. Yes she seriously did that. Even though it was only about 6 of us. It was me and Chrisy and Kerry, Latavia and Bri came and Bri brought Kyle like she always does. She totes him around everywhere like  a purse... Anyway, Aunt T is  cool, and fun. And Chrisy was gorgeous...with no make up on, in that bathing suit... with those legs, showing all that skin, and water dripping off her...so beautiful....and the light glinting off of her eyes...and her hair..." he spaced out for a couple of seconds as if reminiscing something he couldn't vocalize. He pictured her hair glowing all around her like golden fire and he remembered how his heart raced each time she laughed or giggled. His tongue got tied into knots like he'd never spoken to a girl before, then his stomach. He remembered how she touched him, as light and soft as cotton and it took him away into a dream.
"...you should have been there, her hands are so small Reid, and soft and she always smells soo good...God I love her." he finally said absently riding on the pure emotion he had felt in that moment.

"Uh huh?" Reid responded.

Then Josh realized what had slipped out. As soon as the words escaped he wished he could grab them and force them back down his throat but he couldn't take it back. Reid was right there, he had heard him. If he could go back in time just a minute earlier and thought about what he had said, would he have still said those three words? "Yes" he mused, because he had felt it down in his belly for so long and when it escaped him and he heard it on his own tongue it frightened him. When did it all happen?

Josh quickly sprang to his own defense.

"No...wait...I didn't mean it like that...that's just a figure of speech, its just something people say."

"No Josh it isn't...and a figure of speech... you really need english lessons If you think that's what that is."

"But I...I dont really do...love...I can't be...we're just..."

He didnt know what to say, how to explain it. He didnt understand it himself. He didnt know when it had happened but he had obviously looked away for a split second and Chrisy had stolen his heart without him even knowing it. What was he suppose to do now?

"Why is it taking you so long to wrap your head around the fact that your in love with her...you're the one that just said it bro. You know, since I already knew this little fact can we just get to the real issue. How's Kerry? Did she ask for me...or say anything to you...about me...about us?"

"Nope, nada, sorry...I thought you said this wasn't about her. I don't get it, she is so mad one moment...bitter even, then another time she's just absent, its like she's hurting on a different level. I think Kyle was hitting on her all night, she had this scowl...or come to think of it, that's probably just her regular face..."

"He was hitting on her?"

"Yeah...then, all of a sudden she shoves him into the pool...she said it was an accident but come on, you and I both know different...so yeah, she's mad at the world."

Reid couldnt help but smile in his heart to know she had dismissed another mans advances. It made him hopeful, but he said nothing as Josh continued.

"...I don't know, but something else is going on with her...something's just wrong..."

Reid didn't respond right away and his younger sibling looked accross the  table at him curiously. Josh studied his reaction. The way he studied the coffee mug like he was searching for the missing peice of a puzzle.

"You know what it is..." Josh finally acknowledged. "...You know why she's mad, you've known all this time."

Reid got up from the table with his cup and went to the sink. He poured its contents down the drain.

"I don't know why you'de think that." Reid said.

Josh studied his brother some more. His tan skin turned a goldmine of pink. He avoided eye contact. He rinsed the cup and set it down in the drainer.

"Reid?" Josh said curiously. Not as much said as questioned.

He didn't answer.

"You slept with her." He suddenly acknowledged as if a lightbulb instantly came on in his head.

Reid sunk into a deep sigh. He knew Josh would have figured it out. It was only a matter of time before he read him like an open book set before him.

"It just happened..." he explained. His voice went faint almost illegible."...and before I knew it, mom was messing things up again."

"And there was not even a moment, before or while you were undressing her where you thought it would be a good idea to mention that you were engaged or that going home is at least a possibility...you never thought that might have been a big deal to her?"

Josh slapped him at the back of his head.

"...Your an idiot."

"I told you... it just happened...I didn't know it would have been her first time...I suspected but I..."

"Her first time? Reid?"

"I'm trying to fix it..."

"Well, good luck with that."

Reid rubbed the back of his neck in frustration.

He had to find a way to get through to her. He had to stop pretending as if it was no big deal that Kerry didn't want to be with him. As if it was her loss. As if begging and pleading for her love was beneath him. Because, his heart ached every time he thought of the fact he may have lost her forever. The very posibility sucked oxygen out of him. Took his breath away like someone had reached into his chest and pulled his heart out and crushed it right in front of his face.