Voltron Oneshots

I'm Drowning in an Ocean of Thoughts

I saw a video on YouTube (I can't remember what it was called) and it mentioned what drowning felt like, so I wanted to make a Langst one shot about it! XD
(Original Colors)

~Lance's POV~

  Hunk caught me cutting.
Shoot.
  "LANCE!" He screamed at the top of his lungs. Rivers of tears were streaming down my flushed cheeks; warm, crimson blood dropped down my wrists onto the my bed; my salvation, AKA: my blade, was glimmering in my poorly lit room.
  He ran up to me, grabbed the knife, nicking his hand in the process, and threw it across the room. My bloody hands found their way to my hair.
  "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" He yelled. He sounded furious. The rest of the team, including Coran and Allura, rushed in. Hunk never, I mean never, yells, screams, or gets this upset about something.
  "W-What does it look like?" I retorted sharply. My voice was shaking from the rivers streaming down my cheeks, the blood currently flowing out of my body, and frustration. Why did he have to catch me?!
  It was silent for a minute before somebody rushed out of the room into my bathroom. The entire team started looking around my room. Probably for bandages. Knives. Razors. Anything that I could use to hurt myself.
  Somebody, I didn't bother to look up to see, started to wrap my wrists tightly. Tears, not my own, dripped onto my bed, my skin, and the, now bloody, bandages.
  "W-Why..?" They croaked. It sounded like Keith. It couldn't be Keith, though. Why would he be crying over me?
  I stayed silent. Why should I answer him? I have the right to remain silent if I wish. I hate that he's seeing me in this state, though..
  "Lance, why?!" He cried loudly; he sounded like he almost cared. Almost. I merely looked at him and stared. My hair was caked with blood; my faced was covered in tears and tear stains; my eyes were bloodshot; and my cheeks were flushed. When I cry my face turns red. I looked past him to see Hunk collecting my many hidden razors; Pidge was walking out of my bathroom with more blades; Shiro was collecting bandages and wash cloths; and Coran and Allura were standing in the door frame, confusion and concern visible on their faces.
  I stayed silent again. My thoughts were taking over my mind.
Worthless
Useless
Screw-Up
Seventh Wheel
Fat
Disappointment
Only needed for Voltron
They don't care
No one cares
No one loves me
Why would they love me?
Useless
Worthless..

  "Lance! Answer me, please!" Keith yelled, pulling me away from my thoughts. More tears streamed down my face. He doesn't care, but he's making me think he does. He doesn't. He doesn't care. Nobody cares.
  Hunk walked back up to me, "Lance, can you explain to us what's happening?" He asked. He doesn't care.
  Pidge sat down next to me on my bed. The bed that's covered in blood, tears, and bandages, "Lance.. Please let us help you.."
She doesn't care.
  Shiro stood behind Keith, looking at me sadly. He doesn't care.
  "I'm drowning.." I finally whispered.
  "What..?" Keith asked.
  "I'm drowning in an ocean of thoughts. When you drown, you only inhale right before you pass out, if you're smart. Only I'm constantly inhaling, trying to find an escape from the ocean of my thoughts. But no matter how much I want to pass out, no matter how badly I want the thoughts to leave, I can't do anything. I'm simply left gasping for air, an escape, that I'll never find. I cut, kicking myself up to the surface, hoping to find.. relief, only to be dragged back down further into the terrifying mass of my thoughts. I'm drowning and I can't speak for help, no matter how hard I try. No matter how hard I tug my hair, trying to rip the thoughts from my skull, I can't get salvation from their mortifying whispers. Insanity and the thoughts of death keep pulling my feet, trying to drag me completely away from the light I can barely see.  I'm drowning in my tears of pain. The tears overwhelm me, but I can't get them to stop flowing. I can't do anything, no matter how hard I try. I try to kick to the surface, but I can't. And I'm left to drown in the mortifying thoughts that consume my head constantly," I said, tugging my chocolate colored hair as hard as I possibly could with rivers of tears streaming down my face. I didn't dare look up my team. I don't want to see their disappointed glares, I'm good.
  Surprisingly, I heard somebody crying. More than one person. Why are they crying? I'm such a disappointment. More thoughts consumed my mind, dragging me away from the present. I tried to kick them away, to get away, but they filled my brain, my lungs. I couldn't breathe; I was only faced with the ocean of my thoughts. I started to hyperventilate, desperately trying to find air, an escape.
Disappointment
Useless
End it
Cut
Nobody would care
  I was pulled to the surface of my thoughts. Somebody put their hand on my back, but, of corse, I was quickly dragged back down.
  "-ance!" I faintly heard somebody yell. But I couldn't focus on their voice; no, no. I could only focus on the thoughts that surrounded me. I tried to fight them off, I really did, but they just fought back harder than I ever could. I started pulling on my hair harder. They won't leave me alone, and I can't grasp why!
  I felt like I was out of my body, like I was just a soul floating in the vast space, but I faintly felt somebody wrap their arms around me. I faintly felt somebody rubbing circles on my back.
  Thoughts continue to attack me, but I was eventually released from their grasp. When I was pulled back into my own body, reality, somebody, maybe more than one person, was hugging me, rubbing circles into my back, trying to calm me down.
"Shh.. it's okay, Lance.." Keith whispered in my ear. Why is he comforting me? He hates me. All I do is annoy him. Stop making me think you care!
  It took awhile, probably about 20 minutes, but Keith managed to, somehow, calm me down. It didn't matter how calm I was, though; my thoughts were still attacking me.
Useless
Worthless
Disappointment
Fat
  "Lance, are you okay?" Keith asked slowly.
  I nodded, completely lying. No, I'm not okay, but they won't know that. It's not their problem, it's mine.
  "Lance, tell the truth.." Keith said after a minute.
  "I did.." I responded quietly. I didn't trust my voice to hold out, so I guess quiet, small sentences will do for now.
  "No you didn't."
  I sighed heavily, "I said I'm fine."
  Keith, along with everyone else, made a noise of frustration. I don't blame them for being frustrated, I'm annoying.
  "Lance, we're gonna take your bayard.. just to make sure nothing will happen," Shiro said after a minute. My head shot up.
  "No."
  "..What?" He asked.
  "No. It's mine, you don't get it. What if the Galra attacks and I need it?" I responded.
  "Then we'll give it to you then. I'm sorry, but we simply can't allow you to be around it right now."
  I didn't bother in arguing; I just simply hung my head and nodded.
  "I would also like it if you slept in a room with someone else.. just to be safe," Shiro added.
  I shrugged my shoulders, not really caring about anything anymore.
  "How about Keith?" Pidge suggested, "He could actually calm Lance down." No, he'll see all of my breakdowns! I don't want him to see that! He'll hate me even more..
  "Keith, are you fine with that?" Shiro asked Keith.
  "Yeah, I guess." Dang it..
  "Good! Lance, could you get some things you need to sleep in Keith's room?" Shiro asked me.
  I already knew I wouldn't have the strength to stand, so I shook my head and whispered, ".. I don't have the strength to stand yet.."
  "That's fine. You just lost a lot of blood and you had a mental breakdown or panic attack," Shiro said before grabbing a clean blanket, my jacket, some bandages, and my pillow.
  After about 10 more minutes, I finally stood up. Without looking at anyone, I walked out of my room down the hall. I heard quick footsteps follow me. They're, most likely, making sure I don't do anything stupid, but why would they care? I'm annoying to all of them; I'm sure they would love it if I was dead. I know I sure would..
We all arrived at Keith's room. He opened the door and said in embarrassment, "Sorry.. my room isn't that clean." I don't know what he was talking about; his room was spotless.
"It's fine, Keith," Shiro said, patting him on the back. I couldn't help but get jealous at Shiro's action. I've had a crush on Keith for.. forever, but he hates me; he would never like me back.
Keith smiled at Shiro, causing waves of envy and thoughts to wash over me.
He would never like you
Shiro is so much better than you
Stupid
Worthless
Unloveable
Die..

Somebody snapped a finger in front of my face, "Bud, you comin'?" Hunk asked. I quickly, a little to quickly, nodded my head.
"So.. you can sleep in my bed; I'll sleep on the floor.." Keith said to me, rubbing his neck in embarrassment.
I shook my hands, "Nope. I'm intruding, you get the bed. It's your bed, not mine. I'll sleep on the floor."
"I don-" He started, but I interrupted him.
"Sleep in your bed.. please." He's making me believe he cares, but he possibly couldn't. Why would he care about me, the screw-up?
He sighed in annoyance, "..Fine. I'll sleep in my bed.."
"Well, we'll leave you two alone.. you know, to get settled and all.." Shiro said, gesturing everyone else out the door. After they left, the room was filled with an awkward silence. Well, until Keith broke it.
"Lance.. why didn't you tell anyone?" He asked, pain and sadness taking over his voice.
"..Because it's not any of your problems to deal with my mental health; it's my problem," I responded hesitantly while setting up a couple of blankets on the floor.
"But it is our problem!" He yelled, "We're your team; your family. We will help you! We care, Lance. We really do!"
I shook my head without saying anything. They don't care..
"What aren't you agreeing with?" He asked quietly.
I looked up at him, "It's not your problem. I'm too far gone for help. Nobody would care."
His eyes started to tear up, making me feel bad. I'm upsetting him. He walked forward and crouched down in front of me. Before I could question what he was doing, he hugged me.
"Lance.. we care.. I care.." He whispered into my ear.
"Why..? All I do is annoy everyone. All I do is frustrate everyone. I'm the flirt, the goofball. Nothing more. I could easily be replaced, so why do you care?" I asked, tears forming in my eyes. I didn't know what to do with my arms, I didn't know what he wanted me to do with them, so I just kept them by my side.
"Lance, you're so much more than that. You keep us all together, you make us laugh, you make us happy, you're the sharpshooter.. You're important. We love you.. I-I love you.." He whispered the last part, but I still heard it loud and clear.
"W-What..?" I asked, not believing my ears. He couldn't love me! Why would he love me?
He took a deep breath, "I love you, Lance McClain."
"B-But what about Shiro? You guys act like a couple," I asked, still not believing him.
He chuckled, "His parents adopted me a couple years before he left for the Garrison. I'm his adoptive brother."
"Wha.. Why did we never know about that?" I asked.
"I thought you all did know?" He said, making it sound like a question. He stopped hugging me and held me at arms length.
"That's not important right now. Lance, we all do really care about you. I care. I love you.." He said.
Tears started dropping down my face, one by one, "I.. love you too.. But are you sure you love me? Like, this isn't a joke? Because I can't see how you would love someone like me.." I responded.
He shook his head, "This isn't a joke. I really do love you. And I can't see why someone wouldn't love you."
Before I could do anything else, he quickly stood up, "We're both gonna sleep in my bed. If that's okay, of corse!" He added the last part quickly.
"..You sure?" I asked. He nodded and held out a hand. I grabbed it, and he pulled me to my feet. Mumbling, I said a quick thanks and started to pick up my blankets. After I finished picking the blankets up, I folded them and sat them on the edge of Keith's bed.
"Hey, Lance.. Can I ask you a question?" He hesitantly asked.
"Uh.. sure. I'm not promising I'll answer it though."
"Why do you think no one cares?"
I took a deep breath before answering, "W-When I was little, kids would bully me pretty badly. They always said that I didn't matter, that nobody would love me, that I'm fat.. stuff like that. Ever since then, I haven't been able to get those thoughts out of my head. The thoughts used to be in the kid's voices, but now it's my own voice telling me those thoughts."
Keith looked at me in pity before hugging me again. I felt my cheeks flush.
"Your thoughts are wrong.. You do matter, people, myself included, love you, and you aren't fat," He whispered.
Hesitantly, I wrapped my arms around his neck. It felt kind of awkward, but I didn't really mind.
Keith buried his head in my shoulder and whispered, "Lance, it breaks my heart to see you like this.. And I know it's selfish of me to ask this, but.. if you don't want to get better for yourself, could you at least try to get better for me?"
My breath got caught in my throat. I'm hurting him.. maybe just as much as I'm hurting myself. I'm not that stupid, I know I'm hurting myself. I know what I do is bad, but.. I think that's why I do it.
  I took a deep breath, "I-I can't promise I will get better, but.. I could try.."
  I could practically hear his smile as he hugged me tighter, "That's all I needed to hear.. Lance, if you ever get.. worse, like if you have the desire to cut or anything that will harm you, please come to me.. I will always be here for you. I will always listen to you. I will always try my best to help. You're not alone on this ship. I love you."
  My arms tightened slightly as tears formed in my eyes, "Thank you.. and I love you too."
  After a minute of a silent embrace, I suddenly said, "Can.. we cuddle?"
  He laughed, "Of corse. Anything for you!"

That was a bad ending. Sorry. That was also kind of long. Sorry again. XD
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