Depression Is My Kryptonite

Again

I think that I get angry, jealous and irritable because I am not afraid. It causes this pounding at the front of my brain when I don't fear reality. Making me break out in fits and tantrums and I get so overwhelmed with not being afraid that I become fearful of my true self. It's a shame that I've been shrouded in these feelings, but not a drop of fear. Until you came along that is.
Now I am fearful for us, you and I. And I haven't quite figured out why. I didn't want to bring it up, but it feels real; you make me feel real fear.
The butterflies in my stomach tell me so and the usual trembling in my hands has grown an unsettling feeling. I recognize it though. It's what I crave. The fear of being killed instantly, the fear of losing to my insanity. However, these don't show very well since those times have come and gone, I am already insane and at times I feel as though I'm already long gone.
But as I've said many times I can no longer beg for a beating heart, for I can feel it tremor in my chest as it compresses. And my relapses have grown to be more depressing. Although I get even more overwhelmed with the fear that I do not regularly feel to hide what is real.

I had one last night, a relapse. It was loud and I could hear my blood rushing through me and I could feel my heart press so tightly against my ribcage. I was burning up inside and yet vividly cold around my outer layer. I haven't slept at all since yesterday, I can feel it in my brain. In fact I can feel the cold warmth rushing to my head and I'm not even in my bed.

If my memory recalls correctly, I was staring off into the comfort of the isolating darkness thinking of that tree just for you and me. I remember zoning out for a while and when I came back it's like my brain started turning. My smile had faded instantly and I could hear the waves of fear rushing right over me and through me and just surrounding everything.

The feeling of being watched was so frightening that I even jumped when I saw my five-foot skeleton, Skully, that sits on the small couch next to my bed. And I consider her one of my best friends. I could even feel tears that burned like acid behind my stale eyes and I didn't even realize. I tossed and turned and threw my blanket off of me and then I just sat still and quiet like I was at the back of the classroom again. Covering my ears with my hands I tried to disrupt the signal to the fear, but I was just wishing that you were here. I laid there, without breathing for a minute until I heard her call my name. I snapped out of it and realized that I was needed and I walked out like the shell that I am and I helped and then I went back and sat there again.