Depression Is My Kryptonite

Story Of My Life

Why do I continue to do this?
Reread the things I've written.
You've written.
They've written.
Why do I continue to force myself to this place?
But at the same time I don't.
I don't even remember how I got here.
How I got so fucked up in the head.
I just don't get it.
Why do I want to give up so bad all the time?
Even Now.
Even Then.
Why can't I just let everyone be happy?
I feel like I keep ruining things.
One of our friends told me something that's eating me up inside.
And making me feel like I shouldn't go back to the club.
Like I destroyed it on my own.
Because I do that.
I've done that before.
I have destroyed relationships.
Friendships.
And my entire family.
All because I can't handle things.
Because I'm constantly afraid.
Constantly changing how I feel or act.
I feel so worthless and I don't know what to do.
I keep breaking promises.
Like I try to stick to them, but something in me changes and within a second I've broken my own word.
I don't trust myself anymore.
You know I told my mom that if I can't get help then I'd rather be institutionalized.
Because maybe then I wouldn't be able to hurt anyone.
Maybe everyone would get used to me not being around.
As if they aren't already.
And there's no one to blame for that but myself.
I exiled myself.
I created my own problem.
Chemical Imbalance Or Not.
That Was All Me.
I keep saying that they aren't farewells.
But half of the time that's what they start out as.
Because I just can't stop myself from wanting to.
Hell.
I told them all bye yesterday.
That was going to be it.
Split Second Decision.
In the car she asked why I decided to reach out again.
And I didn't have the heart to tell her that I've almost attempted suicide everyday for the past month.
Or that I was cutting again.
Or that I constantly felt like I should just curl up into a ball and never move again.
I just told her that I was tired of dealing with it alone.
Which is still true.
But I think I've dug a hole too deep for me to get out of at this point.
There is so much that you all don't know.
So much that I don't even have the energy to try to catch up on.
So much that I don't think anyone would even care to listen to.
Rightfully So.
It's not like I've really been there for anyone.
Not in a helpful way.
I've tried.
It just doesn't pan out.
And it usually seems like I just make it worse.
My Gah.
I don't get it.
I hate it here.
I want to go out to that path.
And just stay there for a while.
It oddly makes me feel like I belong.
Because there's no one there.
And I don't want to hurt anyone anymore.
There's no point to this.
To writing all of this.
It won't change anything.
It'll get read and passed over.
Maybe just skimmed.
And that will be the end of it.
My opinion on here doesn't really make a difference.
I'm not inspirational.
I'm fucked up.
I've always been fucked up.
I spent my entire life like this and I just don't get it.
There are so many people who have it so much worse than me.
And here I am.
Complaining that my life sucks.
Gah.
I need to stop.
For once in my life I just need to shut the fuck up and move on.
JUST DO SOMETHING ALREADY!
That's what I'm hearing on a loop.
Fuck Light.
I hate that bitch.
But they do have a point.
Ugh.
I'm so confused now.
Shit.
I already was.
Oh well.
Story Of My Life.