Depression Is My Kryptonite

I'm Not Actually

I'm not lying. I did give her attention because I realized it wasn't helping anyone and I was starting to become hypocritical. I didn't distance myself because I knew you had shit going on and I couldn't let that dictate my actions anymore. I'm not hoping for us anymore, I've known that it was over for a long time now. But that doesn't mean that I'm not still trying to get over it. Just give me time. Yes, I do love you in a platonic way now. Because I've caught myself when I start to go back to that mindset of anything more. Which is actually one of the internal issues I've been having. Yes, I go with you to the gas station for alone time, but it's more of a best friend thing because I worry and I just want to talk to you sometimes. Is that a crime? Also I need a separation from the rest of them, because of how fucking little they know about me. Yes, sometimes I become dependent as well, and trust me I realize and I try to take a step back and separate myself. I can't help the way I am. Just like she can't. I didn't even realize that I acted like her. But I'm just the basis for a mirror. Which you'll understand later. I'm trying. I pay more attention to you for many, many reasons that are much more complex than just you give me the time of day. But I also don't think you'd understand since you haven't thus far and I've tried multiple times to explain it, so I don't even want to try on that one. I did take the "me time" that you requested. That's when I started writing, that's when I decided to unpack myself and write the instruction manual I showed you. I walked away this morning, not because of you. Because of Light, I've got my own shit too. I didn't shut down, at least not around the friends. To others, yes. But, once again, I've got my own shit going on that no one knows about, not even you. If it seems that I'm trying to "fix" us, I'm not, I'm trying to build a friendship with you, I'm trying to understand so much more than you want me to. Funny thing is, I've been trying to be your friend for so long, I'm not just an attention-craving-bat-shit-crazy-manipulative person. But you won't let me in for whatever reason. Instead you turn to the exact same best friend, not your's, but mine. You turn to my best friend when I'm trying to be there for you. That's fucking bullshit in my opinion, but you do you I guess. I started being more positive because it was brought to my attention, you think you're the first person who's commentary I've taken into consideration? I change, I evolve and I try to fucking help people and they turn me away and they use me as a pawn to get someone else. That's what it feels like everyone is doing lately. And it fucking sucks. I know we're over, but how would you feel if your best friend who was once a person you truly and honestly loved told you that they liked the other most important person in your life? I tried to play it cool, I decided to not voice my opinion on it for multiple reasons, but if you want to bring it up then there you go. News flash, it feels like shit. You think I can't be honest too? This isn't even the half of it, but I'm not like you. I can't be brutally honest because if I love someone platonic or more, I love all of them and even if their quirks annoy me, that's part of who they are. That's part of why I love them. Just like you. The suspense of everything you decide to say kills me inside, but damn I'm always on the edge of my seat for the next surprising reveal. This is not the first time her and I have been through this either, I'd like that to be clear. Best friends have down falls and they get sick of each other sometimes. You seem to be sick of me right now, from my perspective, so you should understand that. In your own way of course. Chuck I could go on and on. But guess what I still fucking love you bestie.  That's not changing anytime soon. And you are one of my best friends that's why I'm always there, always checking in. It may not be suitable for you, but guess what. I'm still learning what works for you, I'm working within the best of my knowledge and abilities. There, you got my answers. Are you happy now? Are going to stop accusing me now? Good night, I fucking love you in the most best friend way possible, and I'll talk to you later.

Sorry for all of this. I know that I will regret this in about five seconds, but I'm too worked up to give a shit right now.