Depression Is My Kryptonite

Poetry To Ramblings

I look around me and what do I see?
A place full of unexpressed beauty.
A friend that cares, even though he can't be there.
A new spark forming between him and another.
A hope blossoming into a growing sprout.
Don't forget to water it and make sure it gets lots of sunlight.
There are many things that I was never able to tell you.
Or do for you.
Or help you with.
But I'm really hoping that she will.
Because you deserve to be happy.
No matter what that means for you and I.
You deserve that.
I've seen things change right before my eyes.
I've seen people get lost and forget who they are for someone else's pleasure.
I don't want you to end up the same way.
That's why I always tell you my generic mottos and attempts at being somewhat helpful.
You're little hiatus has taught me something.
I am unsure how much sense it will make to you.
And anyone else that reads these.
But I have seen that you don't have to be around someone every second of everyday just to show them that you're still there for them.
It's the little things that count.
They make the biggest impact.
I think I messed up trying to be so close all the time.
That was my mistake.
But this is how you learn.
This is how you see what works and what doesn't.
I've learned something else too.
But I think you'd get mad if I said it.
So I will withhold that for now.
Gah. I feel like I'm going to cry.
Oh wait.
I am crying.
I just keep thinking about all the things we've done as best friends.
The time that we've spent together.
The laughs that we've shared.
The secrets and the heart to hearts that brought us here.
And everytime I think about all those things.
I just get so entranced by how much we were able to accomplish in the past seven months of knowing one another.
It's so bizarre to me, it feels like I've known you for so much longer.
I guess you never really notice those things until something changes again.
Now I will be completely honest, I have no idea what you think of me.
Or how much I was able to genuinely help.
Or if my presence has even made a difference.
Or if you would be the same without me.
I used to think that I did, but that was all negative.
So I don't know if I am of importance in your life anymore.
I'm sorry if that's a stupid thing to say.
You'll probably get mad at me for even thinking it.
But I don't.
You flip flop so much that I've lost any insight on where I stand with you.
Which I can understand, it just leaves me quite confused.
And I've been curious as to what would happen if I just stopped doing the things that I do.
Like if it would make a difference or cause you to take a step back and question anything.
I don't know.
I've run those kinds of tests on other people before.
This year too, actually.
It didn't go so well.
That's why I don't really talk to many people.
It became very clear very quickly that my presence didn't make an impact.
And I'm the kind of person that seeks people that they can help.
Because I want to make a difference.
Now I am not saying that I'm going to run one of those.
I have a feeling that I already know the outcome and I'd rather not put myself through that.
Oh wow.
I really am bipolar.
Anyway.
The point of this is that I am sincerely sorry for being such a pain in the ass.
And following you around like a lost puppy just because I was afraid you'd forget about me at some point or another.
When I was kind of driving you away with my insane antics.
It's good to be forgotten from time to time.
I think I'm going to go back to my old ways.
Rarely talking to people.
And hardly making my presence known.
Possibly forever.
Possibly until everything settles.
Or until I can get help.
Or you can figure out what's going on.
Or until I figure out if Salad and I have any chance at all.
Or all of the above.
I just... I don't know anymore.
I thought this would help.
But it hasn't.
Although it did help me get things out on the table for a second.
Or at least, what I could share right now.

I don't know if you'll read this.
Like I said, my stats don't really update. But I think it's worth a try.
You never know until you try...