Depression Is My Kryptonite

...

Can somebody... I don't know... just.. help me?
I think someone tried, but I pushed them away out of fear.
Or they pushed me away.
I don't know anymore.
I feel so lost.
Unsure and uncertain.
Like maybe I'm lost and I forgot what I was supposed to be looking for.
Or maybe I was disappointed by what I was able to find.
I don't know.
I feel very shaky.
Unstable.
Like something could break me very easily right now.
I've become fragile.
I've always been.
But now the hard exterior has melted away to reveal all the vulnerable and sensitive parts of me.
No wonder I've been feeling so afraid lately.
Do you remember when I felt terrible because I wasn't afraid at all?
I'd rather be fearless.
I'm too jumpy now.
Skiddish.
It's like even my incorrect and delayed reactions know that I'm going to break at any second.
But at the same time.
I'm basking in the fear.
In the numbness.
In being so utterly useless that they just forget about me.
I need help.
I know that much for sure.
But the guilt that comes with it hurts too much.
Because I can't stop thinking that I'm not worth all the trouble.
That's how it felt when I saw the therapist.
When I asked about counseling.
When I opened up to my friend.
Even now as I'm writing these things that only one person reads.
I feel guilty for existing.
For wasting the oxygen we have here.
For taking away someone's opportunity to make this world better.
I feel like I shouldn't be here.
I don't deserve it.
I wasted all the chances I got to not feel so guilty.
To have an impact.
No wonder I'm a cutter.
No wonder I feel so lost.
No wonder I can't stop thinking about suicide.
No wonder I can't speak up.
I don't know.
This all feels very familiar.
I still don't like the answer.
I still don't like my discovery.
I guess I'll just push it back down again and forget how much it hurts for a while.
To know that I feel this way about myself.
I'm still lost though.
But that's just part of it at this point.