Depression Is My Kryptonite

The Rollercoaster of A Bullet

My life is like a rollercoaster, like those really scary and intense ones. They have that really big and exciting, suspenseful incline and then it shoots straight down toward the ground, making you feel like you're going to die and shit your pants. And it's kind of like those untrustworthy ones too. Putting you in constant fear that at any second it's unstable frame will break under the weight of everyone on the ride.

Sometimes I feel like a bullet. Some people are lucky enough to dodge me. The ones that get hit and die, they don't get an instant death. It's really drawn out and incredibly painful and stressing. And if you get hit somewhere where you can still survive. Well you'll lose one of your main abilities and your recovery will be so painful that you'll want to just end everything before you have to go back into the world, incapable of a task that you always took for granted before.

I'm not saying that I'm important or that people are hurt when I dissapear, but those few that for some reason feel any affection at all towards me will at some point or another be pained by something that I do. Because I'm a toxic person. A terrible and shitty person and I know that and for some reason I still let people get close. Although I will warn them and they'll tell me that I'm lying to myself until they finally realize that I was right all along.

And it's not just him or her or them. It's everyone. Family, friends, people I fall in love with. My foolish vulnerability destroys others and I let it. I think I'm just going to close off to the world. I've done it before. Maybe I'll continue this, it's not like anyone ever actually reads these mediocre rants of mine. But just as an outlet until I figure out what to do with myself. Whatever. I'll stop now, sorry to whomever reads this shit.