Depression Is My Kryptonite

Stupid

He opens up to me and I turn it into something else. How stupid of me. I probably made things worse again or maybe confused him again. I truthfully just want him to be able to see the amazing person that he is. And I guess the only way I know how to do that is by being furiously in love with him. But, I don't think it helps him in the way it helps me. I just need to figure out how to truly help in a way that isn't selfish and in a way that I am still a friend. I'm worried though. I'm still numb, so I can't pick up on what's happening wherever he is. I'm trying really hard to be there for him, but I'm stuck in my own selfish path. I know that I got some answers from our conversation though. Like the fact that he believes that he's the toxic one and that's why he referred to it as that. I know that I played a major role in the problems in our relationship. My stupid message earlier may be referenced as an example. And I know that he started to like her, I knew when we were together. Her always being there terrified me. Even before, with other friends and other failed relationships. I always knew that it was only a matter of time before he was hypnotized by her appeal too. Maybe we are just too different. I really hope that he's okay though. At this point, I don't even know if he got my texts. The fear and the unknowing is starting to settle in. I think I'm going to cry. Fuck. Is this another one of his delayed depression episodes? I honestly don't know what to do right now. I can't sleep and I'm still so lost in the emptiness that I can't even clear my head long enough to figure out what to say. I'm tempted to call, but if he is alright and just ignoring me then that may not help my panicking right now. Shit, why do we keep doing this? Why do I keep doing this? I don't even know if I helped or not anymore. I'm the one that just needs to shut up and sit back while I watch everything unfold. But, that's what I did last year and look where he is now? She fucked him up. I fucked him up. They fucked him up. He fucked himself up. I just want to be the one that helps instead of harms. That's all I wanted from the start. To do right by him. Give him what he deserves. But I guess not even I can do that without turning it into a selfish act.