Depression Is My Kryptonite

Lost and Found and Lost Again

I found my fear:

 The fear of losing you...

I know it sounds cliche, because it is, but that's what I fear most in this world.

Whether it be to someone else, to the Darkness, or the Nothing, or to yourself or to me. I'm afraid of it.

I'm sitting here alone, I don't really want to be alone for the first time in a long time. But you feel it best to go away for a while so that you don't hurt me. However, hostility is sometimes safer than hospitality. This place feels empty. I guess it's just like me now. I feel so fucking empty, yet I still feel the compression in my chest and the pounding my head and even those butterflies in my throat and my gut. 

Feeling so fucking empty sitting here alone in this house that I do not wish to call a home.

My home is with you, you fill the void inside my heart. Just the simplest thought of us makes the fluttering wings of the butterflies grow louder and the voices grow softer. I still feel those dreaded tears burning, it's like my head is churning and turning. 

I do remember some of the emotion from today, I remember it getting so quiet that I was afraid to even make a sound. Right now I feel so left out, like everyone I know has something intriguing to do and it's not just you. 

Why does it seem like everyone keeps leaving me, everyone except for you just picked up and left without saying goodbye after they already walked into my life.

Hypocritical Thoughts.

It's later now and I don't even know what to feel. The only pain left is merely physical. Throbbing compressions in my chest, pounding in my head, and an uneasy feeling in my gut.

I think that I want to care... I really do. Yet I'm not sure why. Is it because of you? I know that you are someone that I have feelings for, I remember that much from before.

You spoke of a room that supposedly withholds all that you feel and more...

What if told you that I see a door?

There's light protruding from its frame, is it supposed to scare me?

My brain is filled with thoughts of love and affection, I guess it's supposed to be perfection. If only I knew what those feelings felt like right now, because at the moment all they are is thoughts.

We've both fought, and now we are both losing after winning the most important battle. I guess we never win, do we?

I believe that the emotions will come back and scare away the numbness and we'll be able to understand the trembling and the aching.  But for now you are stuck without feeling in the Darkness and I am stuck in the Light with the same diagnoses.

We have both become the Nothingness in each other's world.