He tried his hardest to tell her the truth. Even when it hurt so much for both of them, he desperately wanted her to know. He wanted her to know the truth, why he did all of this, and his feelings all this time. He wanted to take off his mask.
As she was remembering back his words, she looked at him; not with warm or even anger. It's empty. Void of any emotions.
"Ran... Please, understand why I'd do this..." she casted her eyes down
"I wouldn't be able to stand it should something happen to you because of me" still nothing
"I wouldn't be able to bear living my life losing you..." he went on and on, not even sure what was he blabbering about anymore
"I'm not asking you to forgive me. Because I know more than anyone how I have hurt you"
"But please... I beg you... Please, don't... Don't leave me..."
"You are my reason to keep going. If you're not there, then what would I do this for?"
He really groveled, he plead with all his heart. But she still silent, wearing expression as hard as a rock. After seemed like eternity, she finally opened her mouth, and she glared at him only to say "I hate you, Shinichi" with her burning eyes full of hatred directed towards himself.
GASP!
He opened his eyes and raised up from his bed.
Wheeze... Wheeze...
Badump... Badump...
Now he really awoke as he tried to take some air into his poor lungs.
It felt like someone had squeezed his heart it hurt so much he can't breathe. His head, his heart; they both hurt so much like they are about to break. With a trembling hands, he touched his head and gripped some of his hair saying "Haha... What a nightmare" a dream that felt so much like a reality.
He once had told Haibara about why he couldn't tell her his feelings. Because if he did, she will want to meet him more and thus will hurt her even more. Rather than making her cry, he wanted her to be happy, even if he had to be out of the picture; It sounded so noble and arrogant to the now panting Kudou Shinichi.
In reality, he had confessed to her once, even when he knew he couldn't be with her as much as she wants him to. Long before that, he also wanted to tie her up by proposing to her, so that she wouldn't be snatched away by some other man. He had told her to wait for him, even when he knew how much his absence have hurt her. It's all because he didn't want to lose her. He never want to be out of the picture. He was saying that all of this is for her sake, but he knew deep within his heart, he did this for himself. But he is too arrogant to admit it. It was also the same of a reason as to not tell her the truth, keeping her in the dark about who Conan really is. He didn't want to look vulnerable in front of her, and most of all, he afraid she would come to hate him.
'What a selfish jerk I am' clutching his hair, he was trying to steady his beating-like-crazy heart by drawing his legs close to his chest in a humped position.
The usually Heavy-Sleeper-Ran had been awakened. Perhaps because she could feel something is not right. As she opened her eyes, she could see Shinichi's back. He's been sitting there like a lost child "Shinichi...?" she wanted to ask what was going on as she touched his shoulder but instead it shocked her knowing how much he was trembling. An alarm rang inside her head that made her immediately sat on her knees so that she would be able to face him properly "Shinichi? What's wrong?" she cupped his face with both of her arm, ignoring the sting in her right arm as she moved it forward to touch his cheek. When he finally lifted his face, he suddenly pulled her into his embrace. Still trembling, he held her tight as if afraid she will disappear if he let her go even for just a second.
Something definitely was not right. Slowly but sure, she put her arm around his back, soothing him by stroking his back with her left arm while saying "Shh... It's okay. It was just a dream" over and over again, until she could feel his trembling subsided.
"...ry" she heard him mumbling something "I'm sorry..." was what he had been saying to her "I'm sorry, Ran..." as he said those, he slowly loosen their embrace so that he could look directly into her eyes. "I have something I had to tell you"
A/N :
Hi there!
As promised, I update this story every Friday!
Please also check out my other stories 'Red Thread of Destiny' and DC short-story in 'Perfect'
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Masks
Fanfiction[Book 1 End] When Kudou Shinichi, a usually composed and intelligent guy, has to make decisions about choosing his love or losing it behind the face of another person he would have to become, he has lost his reasonings to love. Follow Kudou Shinichi...
