I pull the black shirt over my head. It reaches about mid-thigh. I lie back down on the bed and look up at the ceiling. I start to replay the scene in my mind. How did it even start? I remember back to how Harry said, "So you're with a guy." That's when I remember:
Sammy. I shouldn't feel so guilty, but somehow I do. With as much time as I've been spending with him recently, I feel like I've led him on. Because I know I'd choose Harry over him. But it resurfaced back to my mind that Sammy actually treats me right, he takes me out on dates, he's actually interested in being with me. All of which Harry doesn't do. But after this, maybe things will change.
But that's the problem with me. I give Harry too many chances in my mind to change, but he doesn't. He's not that type of guy, and I'm only hurting myself by being hopeful. Even after tonight, nothing will change. As badly as I want things to, I can't lie to myself again. Harry's not the type to change for a girl. Though I badly want to be able to change him and say it was all me, just like in all the movies, all the books, to hear Harry say to me, "I want to be good for you." But this isn't just some movie. This isn't just some book. This is the real thing. Whether I like it or not.
My thoughts are interrupted by Harry entering the room, closing the door behind him. He lies down on his back next to me and we stay in silence for a couple minutes.
"Are you staying the night?" He speaks up.
I almost say yes. I really almost say yes. But I think about the end. What'll really happen in the end. We'll wake up and he'll be gone, we'll wake up and he'll be mad, we'll wake up and he'll be completely closed off. Something will go wrong, and I shouldn't let myself give in so easily anymore.
"Did you hear me?" He turns his head to me.
"Oh, sorry, yeah. Uh, probably not." He gives me a look before answering.
"Why not?"
"Because." I shrug and play with the hem of my shirt. Well, Harry's shirt. Way to go, Noelle. You don't even have an excuse.
"So you just don't want to stay with me." He clarifies. "Is it because of that guy?"
"It's because of you."
"What did I do now?" He asks in a gentle voice, and I'm shocked to not hear him pissed off yet. I just shrug. "Can you please tell me what I did? Did you not want me to touch you? I just thought that since you-" He rambles but I cut him off.
"No, it's not that." I say quietly.
"Just tell me." He says in the same quiet tone.
"I'm mad at myself for just letting you have this hold over me." I shrug.
"What do you mean?"
"It's like...It doesn't matter if I could possibly be seeing someone else because you waltz right in and you kiss me or you do something and I just completely let you take control, despite anyone else's feelings, including my own-"
"What do you mean including your own?"
"Like..." I struggle to find the words. "Like what'll happen in the morning? Will I wake up and your car will be gone? Will you decide to get all pissy on me? Will you say it was all a mistake? Harry, I know you're the type to mess around, but I'm not. At all. And you know that."
"I know."
"So why did you even...do that. Like earlier. Why did you just randomly kiss me and stuff."
"I–" He looks up at the ceiling and shrugs. "I just..."
"If you can't give me an answer, then okay. You just used me." I mumble and sit up from the bed. I make my way to the door, but Harry says something that causes me to freeze up:
