I wake up to a white ceiling. I instantly feel sick and scrunch up my face. I turn my head and my heart drops into my stomach.
Memories of last night flood in.
I feel tears on their way but I swallow the lump in my throat. I get a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I'm gonna throw up.
I don't hesitate to jump out of the bed and make my way quickly to the downstairs bathroom. I lock the door behind me. I let everything out, and believe me when I say crying and puking at the same time is not fun. I eventually empty what feels like all of my insides, and sit back against the wall. I let the tears fall and try to forget about last night.
"Make me!" I get in his face.
Terrence smashes his lips against mine and I loop my arms around his neck. I don't know why I'm doing it, but for some reason I continue. My stomach is burning and I can't tell if it's the alcohol or not. His hands grip tightly around my waist and his lips move down to my neck.
I shake my head to clear the thoughts. I wipe my nose with the back of my hand. I cry harder and put my face in my hands, elbows on my knees. I run my hands through my hair and bite my lip.
He brings me to the bed and hovers over me, lips connecting with my neck once again.
I stand up and lean my hands on the counter. I look up at myself in the mirror. The smeared makeup under my eyes. The messy hair. The hickeys. I don't even recognize myself. This isn't me at all. I let my head fall down and continue to cry.
Then there's a knock on the door.
"One sec." I try to keep my voice calm. I flush the toilet and wipe underneath my eyes.
"Noelle?" I hear the one voice I was hoping to avoid. My heart aches at the sound. I open the door with slumped shoulders to reveal Harry. "Noelle, what happened?" He has genuine worry in his voice, which hurts me even more. Technically, he screwed around with another girl first, but I messed around with his friend. I just shake my head and close my eyes.
"Noelle." He reaches out to bring me in for a hug, but I push him back. "Noelle, is this about last night? I wanted to talk to you-"
"I did something bad." I choke out and confusion crosses over his face.
"What do you mean, bad?" He asks in almost a whisper. I cry harder and turn away from him. I try to push the memories back but they keep resurfacing.
He pulls his shirt over his head and connects our lips again. He brings his hand down and starts rubbing me through my jeans. He slides his hand underneath my jeans and continues the action. Somehow I find myself kissing him even harder. I don't know if I'm kissing him harder because I like it, or if it's because I don't like it. He moves his lips to my neck and sucks on a spot below my ear, the same way Harry does, yet different still. I grip onto the back of his neck and find my fingers making their way into his hair, desperately feeling for Harry. I close my eyes gently and imagine Harry on top of me. I imagine Harry holding onto my waist the way he was holding onto the girl in that room earlier. I imagine Harry being the one with his lips on my neck. I imagine his hands on me right now. I imagine his hair that my fingers are buried in. I squeeze my eyes shut tighter; maybe if I imagine it hard enough, I'll open my eyes and it will be Harry in front of me. I open up my eyes and Terrence brings his face above mine, leaning down to connect our lips again.
"I'm tired." I blurt out. Terrence laughs and his head falls down to the crook of my neck. I laugh too, not knowing why. Terrence rolls over on his side. I stay lying on my back.
I close my eyes.
"Noelle." Harry grabs my arm and I look at him. "Just tell me what happened."
"You're gonna hate me." I cry.
"Noelle, I can't exactly hate you after what I did to you."
"I don't care anymore about that, I'm sorry." I cry harder, and though I'm still incredibly hurt at the thought of Harry having sex with another girl, I'm in the wrong here too.
"Noelle, just talk to me." He says in a gentle voice and grabs my hands. I shake my head and squeeze my eyes shut. "Noelle-"
"I'll tell you. But after this, we won't be talking for–probably ever." I sob.
"That's not true-"
"Don't say that, because you don't even know!"
"Noelle, if you messed around last night with another guy...obviously it's upsetting, but I did it first. And that was fucked up of me. Look." I shake my head and Harry grabs onto my hands again, stroking his thumbs over each. "Listen to me. I don't have an easy time dealing with feelings. And I felt that it would make things easier if I got over you and didn't have to deal with labels and such. So I gave in to this girl, we went to a room. We made out, but that was it. After you left, I tried to continue but I couldn't, so I stopped. I'm sorry. And if you went with a guy because of that, I understand that it's my fault. Don't cry." He wipes my tears and I just cry harder. He's so sweet about the situation, and to know that he only kissed her hurts even worse. I went with one of his closest friends. How could I do that?
"It was..." I start. "Him...it was..."
"I don't need to know who, okay?" He chuckles.
"No. No." I look at him with eyes that tell him everything. His face turns a little more serious.
"Sammy?" I shake my head and give him a face so he knows it's even worse. He lets go of my hands hesitantly. I put a hand over my mouth. I sit on my knees and squeeze my eyes shut.
"Terrence." I say in a weak voice. Harry doesn't say anything for a long time so I look up. His face is cold and he's looking straight ahead. "Harry, I'm so sorry." I sob. "I was wasted and I don't know..." I trail off. Harry's face doesn't change and he eventually just walks out. I cry harder.
Mo.
I messed around with the guy that Mo has feelings for.
My heart drops and my face goes blank.
I lost Harry.
And Mo's about to walk right out with him.
