I walk into school the next day with a newfound confidence. I'm gonna make things right. I'm gonna be that kind of girl.
"Mo." I stop next to her at her locker. "You don't have to respond, you don't even have to look at me. Just listen please. What I did was horrible. And who I've been the past few months isn't me. I made a mistake. A huge mistake, and I know that. I regret every second of it. I'm not the girl who fools around with a guy she has no feelings for. And that's what I did. Even when I knew how you feel about him. I shouldn't have ever even gotten that drunk. I'm so sorry, Mo, and I really hope you can forgive me someday. But take all the time you need. I love you." My heart is pounding by the time I walk away. Confronting a friend after doing something like that really isn't easy. But at least she knows, and maybe she'll think about it. I'd be heartbroken if I really lost her.
I pass Terrence in the hall and he gives me a smirk and a nod. That's when I stop him.
Make things right, Noelle.
"Terrence. What happened that night..."
"Yeah, I gotta say, not bad, First Noel."
"You're disgusting. Anyway, that will never happen again. And I'd like to put that past us. I don't like you much at all, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't bring it up because if I'm 100% honest, I did not enjoy one second of it." I give a smile and a nod. "Have a good day." I pat his arm and walk away. I sigh heavily and let my head fall down slightly when I think about seeing Harry. I don't know how I'd even approach him. I keep telling myself to make things right, but how do I do that with Harry? I'm sure he hates me.
••
There he is. It's now or never, Noelle. Grow a vagina.
"Harry." I walk up to him as he's about to open his car door afterschool.
"Noelle." He says without looking at me. He's wearing his RayBans and his hair is a bit of a mess. He's wearing casual black skinny jeans and a yellow shirt, and all I wanna do is give him a hug. Not even kiss him or anything; just hug him.
So I do.
I surprise myself, and most likely him too, and I hug him. I wrap my arms around his torso, one of his hands still gently holding onto the car door handle. His other hand hesitantly, gently touches my arm before I pull away.
"I'm an idiot. I'm sorry." And with that, I walk away. A simple hug and five words have my heart pounding in my chest as I walk away to get picked up by Mom. This doesn't mean he'll ever even speak to me. But maybe he'll consider it.
Since when did I become the fuck up of this story?
••
Having no one to talk to sure does make me feel pretty lost. There's nothing to do. Nothing to talk about. Nothing even to think about. I've talked to both Mo and Harry, and all I can do is wait for them to either forgive me or not. I'm bored out of my mind. You know how you read a story and there's always something happening? There's never a boring moment where they have nothing to do? Where they have nothing going on in the moment?
That's where I am. This thing, this situation with Harry that found its way into becoming some kind of story you'd buy in the Teen Romance section at Barnes & Noble has come to a slow halt. I've never been in some situation like this before. It's a complicated relationship, if you could even call it that. All the books I've read have made me momentarily forget that real people actually go through this stuff in real life. I can prove that: I'm going through it now.
Though the thought of it being over sucks. Because I think I'd take the occasional arguments with Harry than no Harry at all. These past few months have shown me that I like Harry a lot more than I want to. I know for a fact that I don't love him. It's February, and I've only met him in September of last year. Though you know when you know, I know I'm not in love with him. In most books, by now the girl would be deep in love, but I can't bring myself to love him just yet. All I know is that I do like him a lot. I have strong enough feelings for him that I can't find myself attracted to any other guy.
It's the little things about Harry that get me. The dorky side of him. The things other people might not notice. Like how he can really be a kid at heart. Or how he really does have a big heart. He cares about his mom so much. That's why he's been so hesitant about letting Robin in. He doesn't want him to walk out on her like his dad did. Though his mom might not know it, Harry's hesitation to the wedding is only coming from his protective side over her. He's a momma's boy. And if that's not the sweetest thing, I don't know what is.
I sigh and stand up from my bed. My parents are asleep and it's dark outside except for the bright full moon. I look in the body mirror I have on the back of my door.
What could Harry possibly see in me? He shows no attention to anyone, so how did I catch his eye? He has the ability to get any girl he wants, and he has an interest in me.
I turn to the side. I'm not the skinniest girl. I know I'm not fat, but I'm not exactly skinny. My stomach isn't flat, it isn't toned. It almost just bulges out slightly, and I hate it. I lift up the bottom of my shirt. I sigh at the small bulge. I let go of the shirt and let it hang loosely on my body. I'd like to say that I have a nicely shaped butt. But I'd be lying. It's not tiny, it's not flat. But it's not the nice, big curve that guys look for. I'm not thick. My thighs are a bit chubby for my long legs, and I almost look like a giraffe when it truly comes down to it. I slump my shoulders and roll my eyes at my reflection.
That's enough self-shame for one night.
I make my way to my open window and rest my head and arms on the windowsill, letting the wind hit my face. The moon looks so pretty lighting up a section of the dark sky. Sometimes I just love looking up at the stars.
I get up and go to the light switch in my room. I turn off the light and go back to the window. I take off the screen and let my head stick out slightly. I watch the countless number of stars, the way they contrast the sky that's so dark.
Then my mind wanders back to Harry.
The simple things. Just something as simple as watching a Disney movie with him. Watching Tangled with him. I smile at the thought. I let it fade as I remember the possibility of him never wanting to speak to me again.
That means never making him laugh again. Never being the reason for his smile. Dimples and all.
I sound like some sappy cliché and I hate it.
I sigh and stand up, putting the screen back into the window and shutting it closed. I make my way under the covers and close my eyes. Hopefully, it doesn't take long for me to fall asleep.
But with Harry still on my mind, it might.
