Love me, again

26

Selena

Just as I was finished my coffee the doorbell rang and I furrowed my eyebrows and walked out looking through the peep hole.

Madison holding up a drunken Josh.

I calmed my self before opening the door to my heavily drunken son, I have encountered him like this time and time again but he was always hard to tell if he was going to be calm or angry. Opening the door slowly, Josh' body was limp beside Madison as she tried to hold him up, I quickly stepped out onto the porch wrapping his arm around my shoulder and helping Madison carry him in. "Mom? I just want to say I love you." His voice was low and his head tilted in the moon light to look up at me, rolling my eyes we carried him up the stairs. "How was he in the car?"

"Lets just say I got the silent treatment."

I nodded understanding and shook my head at his idiotic behavior, he was Justin's double. Every time Justin and I argued when the kids were only young he would go spend the night in the bar to drowned out our arguments and to complain to the other customers, he was barred from every bar in Chicago. Walking down the hallway I opened the door to Josh' bedroom that has not changed since he was thirteen.

"I'm so sorry to drop this all on you Selena iI know your going through a lot as it is." Madison apologized when we dropped Josh onto his bed, I shook my head taking off his shoes. "Please, don't apologize for him."

I gave her a sad smile and she nodded, silence taking over us as we undressed Josh and covered him with the covers. "I loveeee you." Jace smiled pointing to us before rolling over and snoring.

"I should get going, I'll check on him tomorrow." Madison quickly said smiling and tucking her hair behind her ear, heading for the door I gently gripped her arm. "No, you can stay." I demanded softly and she nodded. "Where would I stay?" She furrowed her brows but her face softened as quickly. "I do have guest rooms Madison, If you want to be closer to him there's one right across the hall." I chuckled and she smiled nodding.

"Thank you Selena." She spoke before leaving, I listened to the guest room door open and close before I headed to my own room where I couldn't sleep, I tossed and turned in the bed but sleep was not going to be easy.

I rolled over to Justin's side of the bed, it was cold and I hated the empty feeling, my eyes flickered to the picture frame in the bed side locker that held our wedding picture, I reached over picking it up running my finger over his face, our smiles as wide as the day we had Jace.

I decided I couldn't stay in the bed any longer, I sat up taking the picture from the frame and doing the exact same to every picture of him and I that was all over our bedroom, I gathered a couple of his things that he forgot, a couple T-shirts of his and some other clothes. I quickly made my way down to the kitchen and out to the back yard placing the clothes and pictures in the fire pit.

I tightened my robe as I made my way into the kitchen, removing every picture of us from the kitchen, dining room, living room and both offices. I ransacked the kitchen for a lighter and some gasoline, placing the pictures in the fire pit I poured the gasoline all over the pile.

I picked up a picture of us when we were in Lanzarote in the sea, smiles in our faces and the happiest we ever were, a tear slipping down my cheek I ignored it placing the flame of the lighter against the corner of the picture watching it burn. I looked up to the sky where a helicopter was floating above me, fucking paparazzi.

"This is all your fucking fault Justin." I silently spoke dropping the picture into the fire pit where the flames gulfed the rest of the pile. Crossing my arms over my best I watched the pile burn, remembering I forgot to add another thing. I pulled my hand into the moon light where my engagement and wedding ring sparkled under the light. I slid them both off my finger throwing them into the flame and watching it all burn silently crying, I've held it together for too long as I just couldn't do it anymore.

I was showing my kids that it was normal to pretend to be in love, because I done it for so long. I showed them that love doesn't last and not everybody will stay in your life forever.

After spending hours out in the back yard, it started to rain and I didn't want to move. "Mom what are you doing out here?" Jess' voice yelled, I was distant and broken.

Suddenly sheappeared by my side, "Mom lets get you inside. It's cold out here." She placed her hands on my shoulders and guided me towards the house. "It's six am, what were you thinking?" She asked setting me down at the dinner table but I couldn't respond, it was as if my voice was just gone.. my eyes travelled to her but I looked away when her shoulders sulked and she gave me a sad smile. I've let them down, I've let my kids down for the first time since they were young and I didn't know how to make it better.

"I'll go get you a blanket, stay there and don't move." She demanded but I couldn't bring myself to look at her, I stared straight ahead at the white wall while my mind went on over drive with questions. How did I allow this to even happen? Why did I let Justin do this to me? Why didn't I stop it a long time ago? I guess I was waiting on a miracle that my husband would finally get over the mistress phase and finally be a husband and a father.

I've got to snap out of this idiotic behavior and go back to staying strong for my kids, they need me to be strong.

Jess suddenly appeared from the hallway with a white blanket and wrapped it around my shoulders, "Coffee?" She asked quietly whilst wrapping me up, I slowly nodded giving her a apologetic smile. She nodded and walked over to island to grab two cups from the cabinet. "Wait why are you awake this early on a Saturday ?" I asked, my voice cracking at each word. She laughed a little shaking her head as she poured the coffee into the cups.

"I've got school, it's Friday mom."

"Oh." Was all I could say when she walked around the island handing me a cup and sitting in front of me. "It's okay to get confused mom, we get you have a lot on your plate." Jess smiled at me, her eyes following something behind me but Sophia appeared smiling. "Yeah and we are here to support you."

"Thank you, I really don't deserve any of you." I almost let a tear slip but I shook it off.