Angels (Pavel Chekov)

10 - Private Thoughts

For two weeks, they study together almost every night. They spend some of their time in the library, some of it in Pavel's room. Vienna finally meets his elusive roommate and stops asking for him to read out his journal to her. Vienna realises just how talkative and bubbly Pavel's personality actually is.

Damien doesn't give them any trouble for a little too long and it makes Vienna suspicious, but she decides not to voice it and make Pavel worry. She forgets about it for a few days until Pavel shows up at her door unannounced, looking more flustered than she thinks she's ever seen him.

"My journal," he says weakly, "I can't find it anywhere, did I leave it here? Do you have it? Have you seen it?"

"Hey," she says softly, grabbing her bag off her bed and stepping out of the door. "I don't have it but it has to be here somewhere, okay? Have you checked all your classes?"

"I checked all my classes and the cafeteria, along with lost property. I don't know where it is. It has everything in it Vienna, I can't... I can't lose it."

"The library?" Vienna asks, "Have you checked there?"

He shakes his head and they speed walk over there, Vienna fears deep down that they may not find it again.

The library doesn't have it and Vienna is trying to think of somewhere they can look. She doesn't have to because a few laughs catch her attention and Pavel stops walking, his eyes focused a few meters in the distance.

"Vienna," he whispers. "My journal."

Pavel looks a little white by the time that they walk the path over to the group sitting around with Damien. Vienna bites the inside of her lip, angry and feeling too many thoughts rush through her head.

"Give it back," she says simply, her eyes digging into Damien.

He throws the book back to Pavel, who almost drops it. Vienna questions why he neither argued nor hesitated and waits as Pavel checks that the pages are intact.

"You really do provide and entertaining read, Chekov," Damien laughs. "Even though your writing mirrors that of a twelve-year-old girl."

Pavel looks up, fear in his eyes as it sinks in that Damien has been reading into his private thoughts.

"I even made a list of my favourite lines." He clears his throat and grins, picking his PADD up from beside him.

"The girl next to me is so beautiful, I wish I could make conversation with her. We went out into the city together today and I haven't felt this good in a long time. She's all I can think about. She squeezed my hand and hugged me, I swear it's just a dream sometimes."

The group around him keeps laughing and Damien continues, grinning at his PADD.

"I haven't cut in a while now, I think she's an angel. I wish I had the courage to kiss her." He laughs again, taking a second to look up. "Here's my favourite one; 'I've been thinking about her again, in a way a lot dirtier than before. I can't help but wonder what she'd think of it."

"I guess now you'll finally know," one of Damien's friends laughs.

Pavel is gone by then, he runs, and Vienna watches him, still frozen in shock. Damien looks at the other people in his group and then over to Vienna again.

"See what I mean? He's literally a twelve-year-old girl. You're getting yourself into a mess, Vienna."

"You're a cruel bastard, Damien," she snarls before turning and running after Pavel.

His dorm is empty and she can't find him in the library. As she's trying to think it's then that she looks up, the top of the astronomy building. Her face goes a few shades whiter and she breaks into a sprint, one part of her brain instructing her to get up that building as fast as possible.

The elevator ride is excruciating, her body racks with heavy breaths, there are tears in her eyes and she doesn't know if they're from exhaustion or anxiety. As soon as the doors open she's searching the rooftop and she spots him sitting along the wall, his feet dangling off the side of the building.

She grabs his body and pulls his backwards, he yelps in surprise. Vienna sinks to her knees, sobs making her chest heave. He looks up at her, his hand reaching out to touch her. She pulls away from him, her face burning and her eyes too cloudy to properly see.

"Don't," she warns. "Don't you fucking do that to me, Pavel! I can't, I can't breathe."

"I... I wasn't going to. I wasn't going to jump."

She doesn't say anything, she's crying too much to. He stays silent, his own eyes watering as well. His cheeks are blazing, he can't bear to look her in the eyes. He feels ill and Vienna stays there crying. She looks up at Pavel and moves closer to him, wrapping herself in his arms. He holds her as she sobs running his hand gently up and down her back. It takes a while for her to calm down. She goes eerily silent and he keeps holding her, trying to keep himself together.

"Talk to me, Pavel," she finally says, her voice still a little unsteady.

"I'm not suicidal," he says quietly. "Not at this point in time anyway."

"What Damien read," she starts. Pavel frowns before she continues.

"Those were private thoughts. I'm always so protective of that journal, it's always near me, I never imagined that he'd touch it. I... I feel like he ripped a part of me out, I'm so embarrassed Vienna, I just want to hide somewhere for the next eternity."

"Did you really want to kiss me?" She asks, and he realises then that he has a perfect opportunity. She's in his arms, her question sounds like some sort of invitation, but he doesn't take it. He just nods, knowing that there's no way out of the truth now.

"You shouldn't have come up here. You scared the life out of me. I thought I'd have to watch you fall off that ledge."

"I came up here because I didn't think you'd find me. I can up here for peace of mind. I didn't plan to jump, I just wanted time to think."

She wipes her eyes, still in his arms and not planning on leaving them any time soon. "You can't do things like that Pavel. You can't scare me like that. I thought I'd lose you."

"I said from the start that I didn't want to drag you anything. I... Maybe you should keep your distance from me, I don't want to give you constant anxiety. I don't want my mental health to burden you. Maybe we should stop seeing each other."

"We don't need to have this conversation," she mutters, not interested in what he's implying.

"We do need to have this conversation, Vienna. I'm not going to burden you with the worry. I don't think we should continue this."

She stands up, brushing the loose strands of hair out of her eyes. "Listen to me," she says firmly. She has Pavel's full attention, he doesn't dare interrupt her. "I am sticking by you. I told you I would support you and I'm not backing out of that. I care about you. You know that. I refuse to give up on you."

He gives her a soft smile, standing up and dusting the dirt from his pants. He appreciates her comment and tries to dry his eyes a little. She hugs him and he rests his head on her shoulder, squeezing his arms around her waist. He's only a few inches taller than her but it's enough. He wishes then he had the courage to ask her if she would be something more to him than just a friend.

(Author's Note)

Man, I love writing angsty chapters. I love it, I really do.
Lemme know what you think, folks ♪