Angels (Pavel Chekov)

24 - Spiral

By the time he gets back to his own room, Pavel's already in tears. His thoughts are starting to curl into a dark spiral and after so long without a breakdown to this extent, it feels like they're magnified and reverberating through his head. His breath is catching in his throat. He composes a message to Vienna, telling her she should sleep in her own room as he has a migraine. She replies quickly, telling him she hopes he feels better. He throws his PADD down on his bed and stumbles into the bathroom, his breath still heavy.

Damien's words still tumble around in his head. They're all words he's used to describe himself in other nights like these but hearing someone else say them seems so much more real.

Pathetic – She's taking pity on you – She would just feel bad

Pavel digs into his drawer and holds a thin army knife in his hand. His hand shakes, he's sobbing too hard to see.

"She'll never love you," he repeats, tightening his grip. "She'll never love you. She'll never love you."

He positions the blade on his arm and hesitates. He knows she's bound to see, he knows she'll ask questions. He loosens his grip and puts the knife down, pulling his pants down and picking the knife back up. She doesn't know about the cuts on top of his legs. He lets the knife run across his skin, crying out in pain and closing his eyes. He cuts deep, his mind still flooding with words he doesn't want to hear. After a few more lines, everything finally goes silent and he breathes out.

He's had a few bad nights since he started dating Vienna; most of which she doesn't know about. She only sees his arms, assuming he's getting better, that he has stopped entirely. He's not that strong, he tells himself that as his puts the army knife back into his drawer. She doesn't know at all. He has no intention of letting her find out.

Exhaustion takes over Pavel quickly. He cleans up any evidence before falling into a deep sleep. His eyes are still watering before he dozes off. He hopes he won't have to wake for a long while.

Pavel smells porridge when he wakes up. He frowns, remembering his night and feeling his tender legs. Vienna is in the kitchen and he sighs. He's still emotionally messy and he doesn't want any company. He pulls the covers over his head and manages to get himself back to sleep for another hour.

"Hey sleepyhead. You awake yet? I saw you moving before."

Pavel wakes back up and frowns into his pillow.

"Vienna," he says weakly.

"You okay?" she asks, worried about his dry tone.

"I'm fine. I just still have a migraine. I want to go back to bed, you should see your family again."

"Oh," she says, surprised by his suggestion. "Still have a migraine, hm? I can replicate you something for the pain?"

He shakes his head, telling her that he just needs sleep. He goes into the bathroom and washes his face in the basin. He looks at his defeated expression in the mirror and goes straight back to bed. Vienna comes and sits beside him and he wants her to go back to her own room. He wants to be alone, he doesn't want to start breaking down and have to explain what happened.

His face is buried in the pillow and she starts running her fingers through his hair. He doesn't know why but his eyes start to water and his chest suddenly feels heavy and sore. She's unaware that anything is wrong, just gently playing with his hair. He manages to fall back to sleep and Vienna isn't there when he wakes up.

There's a message on his PADD when he finally gets up and it's from Vienna. She's out with her family and wants him to join them for dinner if he's feeling well enough. He's not up to it, he doesn't know how he can manage being around her family when he can barely handle his own company.

He doesn't reply, he stays in bed and doesn't do anything other than stare at the ceiling. After another half hour he convinces himself to shower. He sits down and fills out his journal, detailing his night last night and all his thoughts. He takes a whole page to write a few words, telling himself he needs to remember them.

'She will never love you.'

He sighs and closes his journal, still letting his bad thoughts take over him. He's glad Vienna has her family to distract her. He finds one of his class books and draws in the back of it as the TV hums softly in the background. He tells himself he needs to calm down in case she comes back but numbness is the closest he comes to calm.

(Author's Note)

A sad chapter indeed
I write this story in the hope to encourage people to look after themselves and those around them

Man, I remember when this used to get like 30 votes a chapter back in it's heyday. Hopefully we can get this story back to the point where is has just as many regular readers

I hope you enjoy and remember to look after yourselves

Thanks as always 🍀