My Heart Hates Me

Chapter 1 The Engagement

I'm not gonna start with 'Once upon a time' because this tale is definitely not that old. I don't know if it's a tragedy or a happily ever after-- All I know is... It took me a lot just to be part of this story of me and him. Because I was breathing dreams like air until he came.

Everyone has the freedom to fall in love with anyone they want, but things are not the same for everyone. 'Your life partner will be decided even before you're born'...How would you like that?

This is what I have been told. Lucus Garnette and Aruto Hiomi met at a university in Berlin. They studied together for four years and grew to be quite good friends. Aruto Hiomi was a zaibatsu, that is, he belonged to an influential Japanese business empire family. He came to Germany to sutudy business. Lucus was a dairy farmer's son, and was studying agriculture and animal husbandry. Hiomi was a humble man, and did not mind befreiending a farmer's son, even when his family opposed to such a lowly connection. 

He believed that talent and birth were not always synchronous. Sure, Lucus was unfortunate to be born in a poor, rural household but he had studied hard to get to that university. And he was passionate to grow. And that was to be respected. Especially since Hiomi hated studying, and had got into the university though family funding. 

The convocation ceremony finally arrived and the two friends had to part ways. Hiomi was called back to Japan, to get married to the only daughter of the head of the Dzouku business empire. To take over his father's company and bid farewell to Germany. Lucus would go back to his village and work as an agricultural scientist among the locals. Two different paths, leading to two different lives that would probably never cross again. Unless, a knot could be tied. 

Half drunk, sprawling his hands over a table, Hiomi who could never hold his liquor, looked pretty sober that evening. Lucus reminded Hiomi of his flight the next day. But brushing him aside, Hiomi promised something quite different, "Let's get our future kids married,"
Lucus agreed, believing it to be a drunkard delusion. That difference in status would only ever grow. How could such a promise withstand the perils of mediocrity?

One more promise was asked of Lucus, "When you have a child, write to me. I will wait for your letter,"
"I will,"

The two seperated. Hiomi got married. Lucus got married. And a year later, Lucus had a daughter. So, he fulfilled his first promise. He wrote to Hiomi. He wasn't expecting anything out of it. Perhaps, after all those years, Hiomi had forgotten he even existed. But a letter did come, it had his address on it. Lucus read it out to his wife, 

"Congrats, my friend!" He read, "I'm sure she is beautiful and healthy. And Vivian is but a pleasant name. So soothing to the ear. And the meaning, even better, someone who is alive and energetic. My wife is also pregnant. If it is a son, I will name him Kirito- the God of the valley of the alive! May God be with us!"

It was a boy. 

In the next five years, I had four more sisters. Me, Vivian, being the eldest. Diela a year younger than me. Then Sophia. Emilia. And finally, Katrina. It was on Mila's birth, that Mr Hiomi decided to visit us with Kirito. Kirito was coming, mother would remind me everyday. I didn't think too much of it. But mother would remind me how influential their family was in Japan, how rich they were, and how lucky I was so be chosen. But I always wondered why must I feel lucky to be chosen? I didn't ask to be chosen. 

On the morning when Kriti would come, I was in the fields with the cows and our house help's daughter, Mila. She was about my age. And we both took the cows out for grazing every morning. Except that that day was supposedly special. I was five years old. So, Kirito would have been a few months younger. Mila reminded me that mother had told me to come back before the sun was out completely. But the sun was overhead. I had spent half the day laying on bright green grass, and gazing at the bright blue sky. 

When I reached home with Mila, I expected mother to be furious. But she was in the living room, with Mr and Mrs Hiomi. And a little boy sitting on his mother's lap, dressed a suit. I walked up to him, "Oh Vivian! Where were you! Your sisters have been looking around for you!"
"I went out with Mila," I walked to my father and stood beside his leg, looking at the young boy on the other side of the sofa.

I looked at his face. He had these big, beautiful, black eyes. And dark, black hair. It looked silky. I walked to him and touched his hair, "Waaa! It's so soft!"
He blushed and hit his face into his mother's dress. Everyone laughed, "Kirito is very shy," His mother said. 
"I'm so sorry about Vivian. She just touches anything she likes. Vivian!"
"That's okay. They're only kids,"

I remember trying to talk to Kirito. But he wouldn't talk. He wouldn't even look at me without hiding behind his mother constantly. I did not like one bit. He was such a wuss. Scared of strangers. I like strangers. I mean, that's how you make friends, don't you? Mila agreed. But this was not about Mila. It was only about Kirito and I. That day, were were to be engaged. 

With our engagement ring hanging on my neck in a pendant, I dreamt. A million dreams. He was long gone, and that was the only encounter with my future husband that would occupy my mind for the next twenty years. I remember when we first got a landline, I was eighteen. I tried calling Kirito. But from his side, there was only silence. 

"Kirito! Say something to Vivian! Kirito!" I would hear his mother, "Sorry Vivian. He ran away. He's so shy of you,"

Shy at eighteen? Isn't he sweet, I wondered. Father was doing well. We could afford a bigger house. More clothes for me, Diella, Sophia. Emilia and Katrina. But I was only ever the closest to Mila. She would hear my million dreams, of what Kirito would like, of how it would be after we married. Surely, we struggled financially sometimes, since we a single income household with six people, but we managed it. And I loved my family. And I loved Kirito. One day, I believed my struggles would end when Kirito would finally take me out of here and give me a better life. 

I was in love with a man I met two decades ago. I was in love with a man who had never talked to me. I did not what my lover looked like, or sounded like, or smelled like. Sometimes, I wondered if he yearned for me as much as I yearned for him. How was his life? He was probably surrounded by servants, donned the finest silks, and lived in a fancy mansion. I wish I had his life.

He made me feel a lot of things.

Mom brought storybooks of princesses and prince, angels, demons, mermaids, fairies, magic and whatnot to make me believe that magic exists. And like Cinderella, one-day Kirito will come to my place and take me away to a huge castle and angels would guide our way forever. 

"Do angels exist?" I asked my mother while we were walking in the fields, calling out for the cows to come back home. I was seven then-- naive and foolish. "What do you think?" Mom said as she gigged. "I think they do, that's why they brought me Kirito"

"Then I think they do exist," She said and went ahead whistling for the cows ."Will I ever meet one, mama?" I asked but I guess she didn't hear me. Maybe Kirito was an angel... That's what I thought as I danced through the valleys.  A small flower fell on my hair from above. Strange it was because there were no flowers around. I never found out where it came from until I realised what it might be! So I looked up and smiled

"I know that was you"

Oh how good it would have been if we met by chance and not choice
If we would fall in love like all other humans do- Under God's plan and not that of mortals
But we didn't and you know what- 

I'm glad we didn't, Ethan

-To be continued

Vivian Garnette
My Heart Hates Me