My Heart Hates Me

Chapter 55 I Wanna Stay Here With You

Ethan called Vivian to their apartment. She sat on that chair after one month. He prepared some coffee for both of them and she took a deep breath to remove all her stress in that one cup of coffee. Her hands didn't have those marks like back then, it was her soul that was suffering this time.

It seemed as if she was nearing her breaking point and Ethan could do nothing but just be a mere spectator like everyone else in that huge crowd with all their eyes fixed on her. Her breath was so tired, he could actually hear her wheezing. He didn't want to talk to this Vivian. He wanted her to talk but she wouldn't.

"Why have you not been coming home, Vivian?" He finally gathered the courage to ask.
"Someone saw me coming out of the apartment and I don't want any scandals."
"Scandal? I'm your husband..." Ethan was infuriated. Who were they to decide who she could meet and who she couldn't? She made her vows to him not them.

"Yeah but I don't want them to find out. They'd bother you-"
"If you were so worried about me, why would you take up such a job?"

"Do my dreams mean nothing?!" She shouted. She was suddenly so angry. A moment ago she was smiling and now this. Such sharp mood swings were a clear indicator of her deteriorating mental health. Ethan noticed it and decided to remain calm at all costs while talking to those monsters in her. He didn't want to hurt her but he didn't know what to say that wouldn't hurt her. He suddenly knew nothing of this popular stranger called "Vivian Garnette"

"You achieved your dream? Are you happy now?" He asked.
She hesitated "I am..." He looked straight into her eyes. She was smiling but he wasn't.
"You've changed..." He said "You died the moment you signed that contract. They ate you away and now what they left in front of me... are leftovers."

"Is that what you think of me now?" She asked, "Found another woman?"
"I haven't--"
"Then what are you waiting for?! Go sleep around and drink all out!"
"...If you say so."

"You don't love me, do you?!" She shouted. She looked so desperate and pale, it was hard to watch nevertheless fight with her. Her voice carried so much pain. It wasn't sweet like before, it was cracky-- Like a worn-out, rusty guitar string.

"You have aged ten years in one," Ethan said.
"It can't be. Afterall, I'm an angel."
"You aren't. And if angels are like you, then I'm fine with humans. I shall have nothing to do with an angel."
"Why are you suddenly like this?!" She shouted as she got from the chair and the chair fell back making a loud noise.

"Because everyone can't love you. I don't love you" He looked at into her eyes. He had pain in his voice which not even his cold eyes could hide.

'What am I doing? I should just sit quietly but I can't. I'm so desperate. We both are suddenly so impatient and irritated about I don't know what'

"You're lying. You know you love me" Vivian said as she held his hand "I love you, Ethan. Do you love me too? Tell me you love me," Tears rolled down her eyes. He looked away and pulled his hand away.
"Don't touch me" They were back to square one. All that she did was break down his walls and build them again. This time stronger.

She looked into his blue-green eyes and he looked away "You forgot everything. Even our anniversary. I thought at least that mattered to you, but it didn't"

"Anniversary? Wait-- it's gone?" She said as she looked at the date in her watch. He chucked,
"You still think you love me, you don't. Stop lying to yourself. All you care about is what others think of you, what I think of you-- Doesn't really matter anymore. My feelings... I wonder if they exist in your new world. It's too beautiful for people like me to exist in."

"Ethan--"
"Don't call me by my name. I'm only Hiomi to you."

(Here Ethan used a Japanese honorific "Anata" for "you" rather than using Vivian's name like he usually does)

"Why are you doing this to me?" She asked.
"Because you've been pissing me off"
"I can talk and piss you off at the same time?! Wow! What can I say-- It's a gift"
"Good for you, one more talent added."

"All I wanted was some love--"
"You're getting it outside--On the billboards and the TV. Two million hearts and more love you, so stay outside. Go,"

"I have equal rights over this house as you!" She shouted.
"Fine then, I'll go. It's always me anyways," He wore his coat and walked out of the house. She held his coat and pulled him back.

"Don't go..."
"I said the same thing. Did you listen to me then?" He said. She couldn't look him in the eyes anymore.
"So I won't either" He pulled away his coat forcefully and slammed the door. She opened it and ran after him. She hugged him from behind.
"If I don't have you, I don't want anything. I can't live without you, Hiomi. I'm sorry... I'm sorry" She began crying.

He could hear her cry loudly in the halls. "Leave me,"
"I won't! If you want me to leave, then push me away!" She shouted.
"You're so cruel... You ask me to do the impossible..."
"It means you still love me, don't you, Ethan? You love me, right? Ethan...Oh, Ethan" She sobbed. Ethan closed his eyes and bit his lip. He clenched his fist and she held it tightly.

"Now tell me you love me," She said.

'I wish I was strong enough to push you away that day. But I can never be that strong, so I'll wait for you to do that instead. Break me till I can't anymore'

"I love you, Vivian," He said with his back towards her.
"I love you too, Ethan. We'll be together, forever" She smiled and felt a bit dizzy "I suddenly feel so sleepy, Ethan."

"Me too"
"Can I sleep with you?" She asked.
"Do as you wish."

She slept on his shoulder while standing. He smiled "How can someone... sleep while standing, you moron." He picked her up in his arms and walked to the bedroom. He pressed her on the bed and cleaned her mascara with his shirt. He covered her with a blanket.

"I wish I could just stop time right here... But I can't"

- To be continued

Vivian Garnette; The Angel of death
My Heart Hates Me