i hate myself
i hate what i am who i've become what the fuck is wrong with me
why can't i get better i just want to get fucking better
I BATTLE THESE DEMONS EVERY FUCKING DAY I HAVE A WAR WITHIN ME AND THEY ALWAYS WIN ALWAYS
I DONT KNOW WHATS HAPPENED TO ME I FUCKING HATE ALL OF THIS. I HATE HAVING DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY AND ISSUES EATING AND HAVING TO FIGHT THE URGE TO HURT MYSELF
CHRONIC DEPRESSION SUCKS IT ALL SUCKS ITS TAKEN OVER ME IT TOOK AWAY MY FRIENDS, MY SOCIAL LIFE, MY HAPPINESS, IT TOOK MYSELF AWAY FROM MYSELF
I PUT ON A FAKE SMILE AND EVERYONE BELIEVES IT EVERYONE. I REMEMBER WHEN I FELL BACK INTO DEPRESSION I STOPPED EATING AND STARTED CUTTING MORE AND I ISOLATED MYSELF AND NO ONE NOTICED
HOW THE FUCK DID NO ONE NOTICE THAT MADE ME FEEL SO ALONE AND STUPID AND WEAK AND THATS ALL I AM IM A FUCK UP AND I HATE MYSELF I FUCKING HATE MYSELF AND I WISH THAT I COULD FUCKING END IT ALL BUT I CANT
IM NOT SAYING IM SUICIDAL, I DONT HAVE THE STRENGTH TO DO IT BUT IM OKAY WITH DEATH IM NOT AFRAID OF IT IF A CAR WERE COMING MY WAY I WOULDNT MOVE
CALL ME AN ATTENTION SEEKER IT WOULDNT BE THE FIRST TIME I MEAN I WAS FUCKING BULLIED FOR A WHOLE YEAR OF MY LIFE WHICH TRIGGERED MY CUTTING AND DEPRESSION
AND THEN IT ALL GOT BETTER
THEN COME END OF EIGHTH GRADE IT CAME BACK WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK I WAS BETTER I WAS SO MUCH BETTER AND THEN IT CAME BACK
THEN I WAS BETTER FOR A WHOLE MONTH AND NOW IVE RELAPSED FOR THE THIRD TIME I CANT EAT I CANT SLEEP I CANT DO ANYTHING BECAUSE EVERYONES OUT TO GET TO ME THEY WANT TO HURT ME
MY DEMONS ARE EATING ME ALIVE AND THIS TIME I WONT FIGHT THEM I WILL LET THEM WIN
AND FUCK EVERYONE WHO TELLS ME TO GO TO A THERAPIST AND GET PILLS FUCK YOU IM NOT CRAZY AND A THERAPIST WONT HELP THEY CANT HELP ME NO ONE CAN HELP ME BECAUSE NO ONE KNOWS HOW I FEEL, NO ONE EXCEPT MYSELF SO IM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SAVE MYSELF SO FUCK YOU IM NOT GETTING HELP IM GONNA HELP MYSELF
IVE STOPPED CUTTING AND IVE SLOWLY STARTED EATING AGAIN BUT I WANT MY DEPRESSION GONE
I WANT TO BE HAPPY AGAIN AND THAT ISNT HAPPENING AND I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACK I WANT IT ALL BACK I JUST WANT TO FUCKING GET OVER THIS ALL
BUT I CANT I NEVER WILL I CANT I CANT I CANT I JUST CANT
I HAD THREE BROWNINES AND I FEEL SO GUILTY AND I FUCKING HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF
I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH
HOW COULD ANYONE LOVE ME I JUST DONT WANT THIS ANYMORE
PEOPLE TELL ME IM NOT ALONE, BUT AT THREE IN THE MORNING AS I STARE AT MY CIELING THE MEMORIES COME TO ME AND THE TEARS ROLL DOWN MY CHEEKS AND I REALIZE THAT I AM ALONE THE ONLY ONE THERE FOR ME.. IS MYSELF
JUST BECAUSE I LOOK HAPPY DOESNT MEAN I AM. IM SCREAMING AT THEM ALL MY FRIENDS SCREAMING AT THEM TELLING THEM TO HELP ME TO DO SOMETHING BUT WHAT DO THEY DO? THEY DONT SEE IT, MY DEMONS PUT THE SMILE ON MY FACE
just because i look happy doesnt mean i am, okay.. can't you see it? im drowning and you're literally just standing there...
im so sorry i had to let my feelings out and i just needed to cry and rant im so sorry
stephs out
