Reminiscing

Unconscious

Nancy POV~

Have you noticed that whenever you are somewhere you don't want to be, you become a lot more aware of your surroundings?

You unconsciously find yourself in fight or flight mode.

You're more alert.

To sounds, smells and maybe just a gut feeling.

I wasn't in fight or flight mode now but I certainly was somewhere I didn't want to be. Not for myself but for my child.

So yes, I was highly aware of minimal details. Like how the grass was so green and lively.

Ironically.

There was a solemn silence despite the chirping birds and the sound of leaves being rustled by a chilly morning breeze.

It was pretty cold and the sun was only now beginning to cast its golden hues, yet it wasn't enough to provide warmth.

Gravel crunched beneath my feet as I approached the backseat. I opened the door for Desiree, who had already unbuckled her seatbelt and proceeded to hop off the car.

"Ready?"

"Ready." She reassured as she outstretched her tiny hand towards me.

With her hand in mine, I took the first step that would follow a few others until we would eventually reach our destination--- Alex's grave.

Desiree had brought along three beautiful roses and her left hand held onto them securely.

Her little face was practically buried in that puffy jacket of hers.

After a moment of walking, I stopped in front of the headstone and Desiree looked up at me wondering if this was it. I gave a slight nod and she let go of my hand. I mindlessly watched her as she placed the flowers in the tiny vase.

I had always thought that when Desiree left the hospital, Alex and I would take her everywhere. We'd talk about the things we would do and the places we would go. It never occurred to me that this is how it would turn out.

Us visiting his grave and Desiree bringing flowers because 'that's what he always did for her'.

I snapped out of my thoughts as I saw Desiree sit down on the ground. Her stare wasn't focused on anything in particular and I wondered what was running through her mind at this moment.

Following her movements, I sat beside her. 

Wrapping my arm around her,  I pulled her closer towards me, squishing her and that puffy jacket of hers that made her look a size or two bigger than what she really was.

"Are you okay mom?" She tightened her lips and cast me a sideways glance.

I blinked a couple of times confused as to why she would be asking me that.

"Yes baby, why?"

Her gaze focused on the sky with all its beautiful colors. A sigh escaped her mouth and she held onto my fingers with her small hand.

"Uncle died. I know Candice and you aren't okay. I'm —" a sadness too profound to cover up with a mask of indifference unveiled itself then. "—sick. It's like we all make you sad. Are you okay?"

What did I ever do to deserve such an innocent, beautiful girl like Desiree?

I felt the urge to cry because here was my baby, wondering if I was okay when I was the cause behind everything that was happening.

I was the reason that Candice had to leave. I had hurt her and scared her away.

What brought a lump to my throat, however, was Desiree thinking that she had let me down by being sick. As if she was hurting me when in reality I was the reason that she had to endure a life that no kid should ever have.