Reminiscing

Explanations

Candice POV~

"Candice, wait!" I heard Nancy's panicked voice calling out behind me.

I unlocked my car and climbed inside. I didn't want to act the way I was acting. Geez, I didn't want to feel the way I was feeling! But oh well, that's the price of love and eventually, we all have to pay it someway and somehow.

Before I managed to turn my car on and back out of the driveway, Nancy was already halfway inside the window and plucking the keys out of the ignition.

She clamped her hand over the keys and slipped out of the window, proceeding to stand up straight and bumping her head against the door's top.

I bit my lip in order to prevent myself from laughing at her. She was too cute!

Nancy groaned as she rubbed her head.

"Look, it's not what it looks like." She held her hands up in a surrendering manner.

"You don't owe me any explanations, Nancy." I cleared up eventually.

"I know that, but I want to explain." She sighed before running a hand through her damp hair. Something she tended to do whenever she was nervous. "Could you please just step out of the car and hear me out?"

Reluctantly I did as she asked. She took a step back as I opened my door and stepped out. I then leaned against my door and waited for her to speak up.

"Don't you want to sit down?" Nancy nervously asked.

"Just get on with it." I gestured with my hand.

I really wanted to get out of here. I was honestly feeling embarrassed about my little jealousy stunt. I didn't want Nancy to know that I actually was affected by all of this. I didn't want her to know that I was feeling hurt because I now knew that she had moved on. Especially because she had chosen someone much younger and better looking than me. I couldn't help but begin to compare myself with the teenaged girl that was currently inside Nancy's house.

Why was I suddenly feeling self-conscious about the way I looked?

Oh yeah, because Nancy was currently looking at me with admiration in her beautiful eyes.

"You're more beautiful than I remembered."

I could feel the blush creeping up my neck and settling on my face. Nancy looked at the ground as she shoved her hands inside her sweats pockets.

I kept my mouth shut, encouraging Nancy to continue talking and explain who the girl inside her house was. It's not like I really cared anyway. 

Okay, I was totally lying.

I actually cared.

 I wanted to know who she was and why she stepped inside Nancy's house with all the trust and confidence in the world. Like she was someone that had known Nancy all her life and could easily appear out of nowhere with dinner, apparently.

"She brought you dinner." I crossed my arms over my chest. "It's great to know you have someone looking out for you."

"She is nothing but a friend." She quickly clarified as she looked me in the eyes.

I could tell she wasn't lying. I had gotten to know Nancy and her little telltale signs that appeared whenever she lied. And the light twitching on her left eye was nowhere to be seen, along with her fidgeting fingers. Her eyes had stayed locked with mine instead of hastily looking away before momentarily glancing at me again.

I wasn't going to deny the relief I felt after her confession.

I was happy to know that she wasn't moving on so fast. Although it was cruel on my part because unlike Nancy, I had already begun to date someone else.

"Did you honestly think I could move on so quickly Candice?" Nancy suddenly asked. "You're far too important for me to just forget you so easily."

"I appreciate it but–" I hastily began to explain while avoiding her gaze.

"You have?!" Disbelief tainted Nancy's voice, having it rise a few octaves. "You're already dating someone else?!"

I hated the way her voice cracked at the last moment. I hated the way she looked at me after– shocked, hurt and contorted in a mixture of anger and sadness.

I was the reason behind her pain and I wouldn't be surprised if she had begun to hate me.

But wasn't this something I should be happy about? Shouldn't I be happy that I was hurting her the way she had hurt me in the past? If anything, this was nothing compared to the way she had hurt me. So why was I even feeling guilty? Why was I feeling like scum?

Because you're stupid, that's why.

I shouldn't care about Nancy. Not when she inflicted so much pain and scarring thoughts in my head. Not when she polluted my heart with so much hatred towards her and her ruthless behavior towards me during our marriage. Not when she abandoned me the moment she had her downfall with alcohol. Forcing me into the responsibility of looking out for myself and taking care of the things I shouldn't have had to worry about for someone my age.

But instead of feeling contempt or satisfied with the pain I was inflicting on her, I began to feel worse.

I couldn't stand this.

I wasn't going to allow myself to turn into someone like Nancy, I wasn't going to allow myself to feel happy over someone else's suffering.

I didn't want to cause pain to anyone, not even Nancy. Because even if she had been a complete ass to me, she had once been the love of my life. Sh-t, she had been my first love! She had been there for me before her downfall.

She was there for me when I was living through nightmares and constant fears.

She helped me face my fears and she beat the life out of the one person hurting me in the past.

No one had been there for me.

But Nancy.

She was there. She held me in her arms and soothed me until I had calmed down. She would spend endless nights of insomnia simply to watch guard around my house and make sure no one came into my room at night and terrorize me in my sleep. She made sure I was safe every night and constantly blew up my phone just to make sure I was okay.

And I couldn't stand the thought of losing her for good.

That's probably the reason I dreaded having this conversation with Nancy. I didn't want to speak about a divorce because I knew that would mean a definite separation between us. And I didn't want that. I was still clinging to the memory of that girl I had fallen in love with in high school. 

And now I had potentially hurt her enough to have her walking away from me.

"I never wanted a divorce from you Candice, but if that's what you want, then fine. I'll do it. " Nancy's tear brimmed eyes met mine. "I wanted to explain so many things to you. All sorts of misunderstandings between us. It was all my fault, though. And I am truly sorry for everything I made you go through. All I want is your happiness. And if the woman you are with provides you the happiness I couldn't give you– I won't stand in your way. I love you. I always have. Nothing will ever change that. You can drop the papers here whenever and I'll sign them. Not because I want to, because God knows I don't. But I will. Because I can't stand the thought of being the one person obstructing you from your happiness. I wish you all the happiness you deserve."

She placed a single kiss on my cheek and she gave me a sad smile.

"I'm so sorry for ever hurting you Candles, I wish I could turn back and mend all my mistakes."

I couldn't bring myself out of the stupor I had been trapped in as I saw Nancy walking away from me.

No, I called out to her.

But I couldn't move or even speak. This couldn't be happening. I didn't want Nancy to give up so easily. At least not now, when my heart and brain was nothing but a bunch of bundled up thoughts and feelings bouncing between her and Emerald.

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