Imagine Us

Chapter 19: Lights Out

{Alexandria's POV}

I woke up, this time by myself. There wasn't a knock on the door neither was there any sound coming from outside.

I woke up with a dreadful feeling. That's not even the worst part. The worst part was that I didn't know why. I also felt weak all over my body. I was positioned on my side. I slowly rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling which took me quite a bit of physical strain. I then closed my eyes again to see if I would fall back asleep.

After about ten minutes, I realised I couldn't. Even though my body was exhausted, I couldn't go back to sleep.

It must have been four in the morning or something.

I slowly got up out of bed and walked to the bathroom.

I looked in the mirror.

My eyes were a little swollen and for a fair few seconds, I didn't know why but then I realised...

I cried myself to sleep.

I'm not a stranger to such. I had a streak a while back you see; three weeks in a row. But this time was out of the ordinary. I recalled it feeling as if it was an intense build-up of tragedies that I had ignored for longer than I usually do - the echoes of my past - and then the trigger was a mysterious cherry bomb placed on the top of it all.

I have come to accept my mother's death. Yes, I cannot deny that a part of me longed for her to change and finally realise that I existed to more of an extent than what I seemed to her. I cannot deny that I had hoped for a better future with my mother. I cannot deny that all I ever truly wanted was to make her proud and for her to see me - to just notice me. But I have accepted nonetheless, that such events will never come to pass. Instead, all such desires were simplified into the mere moments of her last breaths. I have come to accept it. I have come to accept my father's estrangement, the fact that I never had a father figure and that my naive, childhood dreams of my parents reuniting was to never occur. I had accepted those long ago. I do dream. I also wonder. A quarter of me is an idealist. This is where my past experiences reside  and my future aspirations that have been shaped in accordance to them. However, the other three-quarters are realist. This is where I suppress all emotions of my past experiences that could result in a compromised future. This is where I force myself to see the truths that lie ahead but realistically, have been there all along. That brings me back to my main point. I can safely say without lying to myself, that I accepted my realities long ago. But I cannot say the same for my dreams, my idealistic dreams. First of all, I no longer know what they are. Secondly, I have not the slightest clue of how to go about them. My mind is in shambles. It's superficially conflicted. Something has been happening here to me. I don't know where I stand among the people I now reside with - or just certain people. Something has been hard at work without my knowledge but it knows I'm treading on thin ice and so it tries to distance itself by conflicting myself with only myself. It's forcing me to be distracted from overthinking everything. That something must be my fate. It changed the moment I stepped into this building.

***************

"Alexa? Alexa, please wake up. Alexa. Oh God, please. It's Jonathan here."

My eyes half-opened. My vision was blurry.

"I think that's enough sleeping for you, sleeping beauty. I know sleep feels strangely orgasmic but too much can kill you." Chase winked at me.

I fluttered my eyes open and took deep breaths. The bright light from the humongous window shone on four faces that stood above me. Jonathan was kneeling right beside me. Noah stood beside him. Chase was behind the couch, leaning forward and smiling at me with raised eyebrows. And Caiden stood at the other end, arms folded.