Can't Fall in Love Without You (Christian Yelich)

25

"Eleanor! Don't pull your sister's hair!" Elizabeth ran over and pulled the chubby 2 year old off of her 3 year old sister. "Say you're sorry to Ivy."

"So-wy Wivy..." her little voice was soft and sweet like her mom's and she had the same bright grin as her dad. In fact, she looked a lot like her dad. Warm brown eyes, the little freckle on her perfect little nose, and his strong bone structure. But she was soft spoken and petite, like her mom.

Little miss Eleanor Rose was a perfect little girl, and Elizabeth absolutely adored being her mom.

***

Elizabeth woke up with a gasp, terrible cramps ricketting through her body. Those cramps just reinforced the fact that she'd never have that. She wasn't good enough. She wasn't Sloane.

Christian loved her... she knew that. But she wasn't Sloane. If Sloane were here, Elizabeth wouldn't even be worth a second glance. She would never be as good as Sloane. She wasn't pretty. She was too fat. She barely made Christian happy. She was his consolation love.

It made perfect sense that he wouldn't want a baby with her. Why would he want a baby with second best?

Milwaukee 9, LA 1.

Elizabeth felt disgusting. The naproxen did nothing. The heating pad did nothing. She could already feel that she bled through the huge pad, her underwear, and her shorts. It made her glad that she was prepared and put two towels down.

She was always prepared. She always did what made sense. An abortion made sense. She wasn't in a place to be a mom. Her relationship was 8 days old. He had an 8-month-old. He lost his wife in childbirth. It all made sense.

But for once, she wanted to feel the joy of something that didn't make sense working out. She wanted to hold her baby girl.

Elizabeth needed to stop crying, but she couldn't. She felt dirty. She felt like a murderer. She needed to shower.

She peeled herself out of Christian's arms and went to the bathroom, her entire body trembling. She started the water to as hot as possible and just threw away her shorts, underwear, and pad. Why on Earth did she wear white underwear? There was so much blood...

Elizabeth used the bathroom, holding her lower abdomen and crying brokenly as the cramps continued to forcibly remove her baby from her body. She heard Christian stir so she wiped, averting her eyes when she saw the dark clots. She needed to get clean. She was disgusting. She couldn't handle it anymore.

She stood up and flushed, watching as the water went from nearly red, to light pink, to clear. She couldn't help but find the symbolism in the situation.

Elizabeth stepped into the shower and winced for a second before looking at her cranberry-vanilla body wash and throwing it at the wall.  She didn't want it anymore. She didn't want this. She didn't want to feel this disgusting. So she grabbed Christian's body wash and her loofah and scrubbed. And scrubbed, her breaths coming like pants.

"Ellie, baby..." That was Christian's voice. She heard his gasp when he saw the bloody pad and underwear. She heard him pull the shower curtain back. But she didn't want to hear his voice. She wanted to be clean.

"Elizabeth, stop," he whispered and took away the loofah, gently holding her shoulders. "Let me."

She felt him move slightly and felt his hands go to her hair, gently massaging the shampoo through it. She closed her eyes, her tears mingling with the water as it poured down her face. He was crying, too. She hurt him, too. She killed their baby... their love... and hurt the one thing she had left. She felt his lips gently land on hers and she closed her eyes, gripping his hips in a way that was probably intensely painful to him.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. It was the first thing she'd said since leaving Planned Parenthood.

"Don't," he whispered. "I'm sorry, my love. I'm so sorry," he whispered and kissed her forehead, his hands so gentle as they worked through her hair. He was being so careful.

Elizabeth knew that she made the right decision. But the sweeter Christian was, the more it hurt.

It was easier when he was being a prick.

***

After the shower, Christian gently helped Elizabeth get dressed and carried her back to bed. When he went to put her down, she just shook her head and clung tighter, so he laid down. Elizabeth was sleeping on top of him, but neither of them cared.

Christian let her sleep until she woke up around noon, and immediately saw the pain on her face.

"I'm going to make you something to eat and then I'm going to draw you a bath. Ivy is asking for you, should I bring her in?" he asked softly, gently brushing through her hair and kissing her temple. He was holding her like she was a precious jewel; gentle but so secure.

But the thought of seeing Ivy? It stabbed her like a knife. It was just a reminder of her failure. Of how she wasn't Sloane. She wasn't good enough to have his baby.

"No," she almost snapped. But her voice was far too sad to really be snappy.

"Okay... I'll be back in just a few. I won't make anything big," he whispered and laid her down on the bed before getting up.

It hurt like hell that she didn't want to see Ivy, but he knew that it probably would only hurt more.

"Mama?" Ivy questioned, her brow furrowed.

"Mama doesn't feel very good, princess. I'm sorry," he whispered and gave Ivy a soft kiss. "Dada hopes that he can help her feel better soon."

He made a couple scrambled eggs and a smoothie with tons of spinach to help up her iron. He'd do anything to help Elizabeth, even though he was sure there was no them after this. How could there be? He was absolutely disgusted in himself and what he said, and he knew that it was likely unforgivable.

Christian brought her the food, sitting behind her so that she could sit up.

"Thank you," she whispered, finishing her smoothie but only half of her eggs.

"Do you want me to join you in the bath, or do you need alone time?" He'd do anything. He'd do anything except risk her life to ensure her happiness.

"Please don't leave," she begged, her usually bright green eyes dulled by sadness and pain.

"I'm not going anywhere, love," he promised, picking her up again and holding her close to his chest as he started the water. He just held her close and whispered sweet words of love in her ear as the bathtub filled.

Once it filled he placed Elizabeth in standing position and he sat on the bottom of the tub, gently pulling her down.

"You're okay. I'm here. I love you. So very much, baby girl," he whispered.

"Please stop saying that word," she begged, tears falling down her cheeks and onto his chest.

"Okay. Okay, I will. I love you, Ellie. I love you so much, and I am so sorry. I will spend the rest of our lives apologizing," he whispered, tears falling down his own cheeks as the warm water washed over them.

"I love you, too," Elizabeth whispered, her ear resting over his steadily beating heart. It was the first time she'd said that since she told him she was pregnant. But she knew it was true.

She would always love him. Eventually, they'd heal. Eventually, they'd be okay again.

They just had to get through this crushing pain, first.