Can't Fall in Love Without You (Christian Yelich)

41

"In. Out. In. Out," it was a mantra he repeated to himself often. His beautiful Ellie taught it to him. Taught him how to breathe again. Taught him how to love again. And god did he love her. This past month only reinforced that. He loved Elizabeth more than he ever loved Sloane, and that realization broke him.

"You need to breathe, baby. Our lil man needs you to breathe," he whispered, rubbing gentle circles on her back. "You've got this. I know you're hurting. I know. I'm so sorry. But you need to breathe."

"Why do you care?" She whispered in his ear. His heart broke from the force of her trembles.

"I love you, Elizabeth Anne. I know I've been cruel and that I haven't shown it... but I love you," he whispered, pulling away and wiping her tears. "I hate myself for hurting you."

"Then why do you keep doing it?" Elizabeth said sharply, curling in on herself.

"Ellie..." he started. He didn't know. He didn't know why. He was scared? Was that an answer?

"No. This whole "relationship" I've been understanding. I've been patient. I've been so patient. Because I know that you've been through unimaginable pain," she whispered, looking down at her hands from where they were holding her bump. "I've been so patient that I didn't realize that you were now causing me unimaginable pain. Like I had to go through a certain amount of hurt to be loved by you," she sniffed, tears falling down her cheeks again. Would she ever stop crying?

"Ellie, no..." Christian started, gently laying his hand over hers.

"No. I'm talking," she snapped, her eyes full of anger and pain. "You made me kill our baby. I had just accepted that I was going to be a mom and it was ripped from me. I knew that it made sense, but I also knew that it was pure love that conceived that baby. You let your fear drive that decision. Instead of thinking about us you thought about you and Sloane. And that wasn't the only time," she was being insensitive but she didn't care. He hurt her. He ripped her heart out time and again and only showed love when he was scared he'd lose her.

"I spent every fucking minute of every fucking day in your apartment, Christian. But the second I bring up moving in? Nope. Not good enough. Not Sloane enough. I'M NOT SLOANE!" She shouted, barely getting the name out before breaking down in sobs.

"I'll never be as pretty as her. I'll never be a housewife. I'll never be so skinny. I'll never give up my job. I'm not Sloane. And you constantly comparing me to her is breaking me. I thought you loved me. But then you realized I'm not her and you changed your mind. You don't want forever with me because you already have it with her. Do you know how much it hurts that the only person I've ever loved will always love another woman more? That I know I'll never get a fraction of the love she got? Do you know how much it hurts knowing I'm not who you want to spend forever with? How am I supposed to believe you love me if you don't want to spend your life with me?" Elizabeth was sobbing, her breaths quick and shaky. She was panicking again. She needed to get out.

Elizabeth stood up quickly and the entire room tilted, heart dropping to her gut.

"Elizabeth!" She vaguely felt strong arms wrap around her and guide her to the couch, giving her water and her blood pressure pills. "Breathe, love. In. Out. In. Out," Christian placed his hand over her chest and did the breathing exercise. He was horrified in himself because all of what Elizabeth said was so telling of how poorly he'd treated her, but he needed to focus on calming her down.

"You're okay, I promise. I'm going to run over to my apartment and grab something to make you, okay? I'm coming back." And he did, less than a minute later with eggs, sausage, milk, and butter. He made her some food and helped her eat when he saw her shaking hands.

"You're right. The way I've acted is unfair," he whispered, hand on her belly.

"You aren't Sloane, and I know that. You are so so different," he said softly, wiping her eyes. "You are so much smarter. You know so much about everything and I love that so much. Our beautiful children are going to be so smart... I... losing our first love was so hard. For both of us. I was insensitive and so stupid, but I was so scared. I wasn't ready for that. I had just started thinking I wasn't ruining Ivy. I couldn't rope another baby into my fucked up world at the time... I'm so sorry," he was just soothing Ellie as she cried, being silent for a while before moving on.

"We can start looking for a home tomorrow. Get out of this building. Bay View. Tosa. Glendale... anywhere but West Allis," he joked a bit, eyes still so sad. "I want to live with you. I just... that apartment is filled with memories from another life. I... want to start a new life with you and our baby... I want forever with you," he whispered. Saying it out loud terrified him.

He couldn't lose her.

"I never meant to hurt you, my love. Never ever," he whispered. "I... I love you and I want forever with you. But marriage scares me to no end. I lost my wife. I lost her. And I know you aren't Sloane. But I still lost a woman I loved... I can't lose you. The love I feel for you... god it consumes me, Elizabeth Anne Reed. I know how unfair I've been. And you don't deserve it. But I'm so scared that I'm going to lose the love of my life. That I'll lose another wife. I wouldn't survive it... I've barely survived this," he'd thought about it. The Hoan bridge is so enticing at night... "I'm going to work on it. On me."

He could hear Elizabeth's pained sniffles. He could feel her trembling hands.

"That's all I can offer right now. I promise I will love you til the day I die, and I promise that I'll work on me. And I will stop comparing you to Sloane... immediately. No more," he promised, looking into her eyes.

Which meant she saw it when his eyes widened and darted to her belly, where baby boy just did a bit of a somersault.

"Was that...?" Christian's voice was full of awe and the brightest smile formed on his face when Elizabeth nodded.

"Hi baby boy. Daddy's here... he isn't going anywhere," he whispered and kissed the bump.

As Elizabeth hesitantly let him hold her, he knew how lucky he was and he prayed that he was right.

He never wanted to go anywhere else. He just wanted to be where Elizabeth was.