Can't Fall in Love Without You (Christian Yelich)

75

"I think today is a good day for a certain someone to go home," the doctor smiled, checking Arlo's weight after he finished his morning bottle. He's had 24 hours of complete feedings, and had been breathing completely on his own for a couple weeks now.

May 1st. Two weeks before his due date... Their son was such a fighter.

"Look who gets to come home," Christian smiled softly and gently picked up the baby, relaxing dramatically as Arlo breathed effortlessly on his chest. "Daddy's little man. You're so strong."

"Thank you all. So much," Elizabeth said softly towards the NICU team, one of her hands on the small of Christian's back and the other resting on top of her husband's as it rested on their son's back.

"Of course. He's such a sweet little boy. All of the overnight nurses are going to be so bittersweet to see that their favorite flirt is gone. But he's ready! 6 pounds 14 ounces of ready," the doctor smiled and signed off on all of the paperwork. Their son was going home. Their family was going to be together again.

Christian smiled softly and kissed the top of Arlo's head, gently laying him in the car seat. The baby whined for a while, not used to not being in someone else's arms.

"Shhh, shhh buddy. We'll be home soon," Christian promised, fixing his little blue hat.

Elizabeth watched her husband take such gentle care of their son and smiled softly. She loved that she got to spend forever with him. She looked forward to every day and every new adventure.

***

"Christian, you can drive a little bit faster," Elizabeth said softly, a sleepy Arlo clutching her finger.

"Are you sure? I don't want to hurt him... I don't want to startle him," he said softly, looking towards the back of the car with so much concern in his eyes.

"We're okay, Christian. You can go the speed limit," she promised, gently rubbing his shoulder to reassure him. She hated seeing how unsure of everything Christian was. He seemed like he genuinely thought he was making bad decisions and he wasn't. He was being an amazing father and husband, and she wanted to help him see that.

"I think someone is ready for a nap," Ellie smiled softly, watching as Christian took the snoozing infant out of the car seat. The rest of the drive home was spent in comfortable silence, and now that they were home, Elizabeth was ready to help Christian become himself again. Slowly but surely.

"He's home," Christian said softly, and Ellie was completely taken aback by the bright smile on his face. She hasn't seen a smile that bright on him in months.

"He is. And so are you," Elizabeth said softly and wrapped her arms around him. "It makes me happy to see you smiling again, Chris."

"I... I want to get better," he said softly. "I want to enjoy the time I have with him... And you. I want to be here. I... I want to get better."

"Make an appointment with Dr. Stone," she said softly, so beyond proud of Christian. "I want you to feel better, too. I love you so so much."

"I love you, too," he said softly, gently kissing his wonderful wife. He wanted to be okay for them.

***

"It's been a while, Christian," Dr. Stone said softly, using silence to her advantage.

"I... A lot has happened," he said softly, looking at his hands. "I haven't been doing well."

"What has been challenging you?" She probed gently, watching Christian's body language.

Christian looked at his hands again before looking at the wall and taking a deep breath. "Elizabeth had our baby boy... Arlo. He was born really early. In Arizona," he said quietly, waiting for a response so that he could change the subject.

He didn't get one. Of course.

"I had to leave Arizona... when Arlo and Elizabeth... My whole family was still there. My whole family was in Arizona and I had to leave," he whispered, tears reignited from the thought of leaving his family.

"What did that make you feel? Other than longing?" Dr. Stone probed, leaning towards Christian.

"Like a failure. Ellie didn't want another baby yet... she was in so much pain her whole pregnancy... there were so many complications. Then Arlo came so early and she was so scared and hurt and... I was so scared that I was going to lose her. I couldn't stand it," he shrugged. He couldn't tell her. He couldn't admit the breadth of his failure to another person.

"How did you cope with that?"

Silence.

Don't tell her. He thought to himself, but he could feel it rising to the surface.

"I didn't. I didn't cope. I was selfish and I tried to kill myself like the terrible father and husband I am. I was thinking of myself," he got out in a swift breath, his chest clenching as his heart sped.

More silence.

"I didn't want to hurt them anymore. I didn't want to keep disappointing them... It's all I do," he whispered, tears finally coming to the surface.

"Why do you feel like you're disappointing them?" Dr. Stone asked, her eyes softening.

"I don't know... I just... Elizabeth was more confident when I wasn't around... she didn't even want kids before me, and now she has three... I just cause her a lot of stress," Christian whispered. He knew Ellie loved all three of their babies, but that didn't really change the truth. The conversation lasted another 38 minutes, with Christian watching the clock intently as he completely spilled every detail. Word vomit.

"She's in love with you, Christian. She may have not been ready for Arlo, but she loves him deeply. I can tell as much from your words. I can understand how overwhelming this all is, and I want to be able to help. So I'm going to give you some homework, okay?" The doctor said softly, writing up the two prescriptions he had previously.

"Anything..." Christian whispered, emotionally exhausted.

"Focus on love. Focus on your love for Elizabeth, and your love for your whole family. Think about love," she smiled softly and handed him the prescriptions. "And fill these. I want to see you as often as you can. Twice a week is preferable, though I know there are constraints."

"Okay," he nodded and took the prescriptions.

He was going to focus on love.

***

He didn't get home for another 2 hours, but it was with good reason.

Focus on love.

"Christian?" Elizabeth whispered, opening the door and ready to take care of him in any state.

"Hi," he whispered, awkwardly holding the bouquet of cream lilies and blush pink roses. "I got these for you. You... you've been so strong. Ellie. I just want you to know that I love you and appreciate everything you've done and sacrificed for our family. I... I'm a work in progress. Thank you for being patient." He stumbled every few words, and it was perhaps the least articulate romantic speech ever, but he meant every single word.

"Oh Christian..." Elizabeth whispered, wrapping her arms around him. "I love you, too," she smiled. "Thank you for going to therapy and taking care of yourself. Our family needs you so much. You're perfect for us and we want to help you see that."

Christian saw the sincerity in her eyes and nodded, gently kissing her temple. "I have you... It's all I need."

It really was. His family was his world.