Can't Fall in Love Without You (Christian Yelich)

73

Christian ended up being cleared to play two weeks after going back to Arizona, meaning that he had to be back in Milwaukee ASAP. And he really didn't want to go back... his whole family was in Arizona, and now he had to leave again.

It was unfair.

"Christian?" Elizabeth questioned softly, gently taking his hand. She had seen the way his behavior had changed in the last few hours, and it greatly concerned her. He had light in his eyes again, and now it all disappeared.

"Yeah?" he whispered, squeezing her hand and looking deep into her eyes. They were such beautiful eyes... he couldn't believe he had to leave them again.

"We should talk to the NICU doctors about transferring Arlo to Milwaukee. He's bigger and stable, now. He just needs to continue to grow, and he should be able to do that in Milwaukee," Elizabeth said softly, trying to see that spark again.

"Really? Do you think they'll let him? It's still a month till his due date..." Christian whispered, already resigning himself to the fact that he fucked up his son's life so badly that he'd never have him home.

"We can ask. I think that it'll be okay, though. The Children's Hospital of Milwaukee is one of the best," Elizabeth was trying so hard to get just a smile from Christian... anything to show that he was okay and wouldn't hurt himself again.

No dice. Christian just nodded, wrapping his arms around Elizabeth and closing his eyes. He didn't want to leave his family again. He didn't want to be alone again.

***

"So we've processed his transfer, and it looks like little Arlo can spend the last 3 weeks of his treatment in Milwaukee," the head of pediatrics told Christian and Elizabeth, checking all of Arlo's stats and vitals. "Someone has eclipsed five pounds and is starting to take some of mama's milk. I think that he'll be home in no time."

Then Elizabeth saw it - a bright smile. A sparkle. Christian adored his babies, and now his littlest and most vulnerable baby was able to be closer to home. His family was coming home.

"Really? He can come to Milwaukee? He's getting better?" Christian's smile only got brighter as the pediatrician nodded and laid Arlo in his arms.

"He's starting to breathe on his own, now, and that is a huge milestone. He's a fighter. A strong little man," the doctor grinned, signing the paperwork. "We'll miss him over here."

"He's strong like his mama," Christian whispered, completely focused on the baby in his arms. "So strong."

The doctor smiled at the family and let them be. Immediately, Elizabeth wrapped her arms around Christian and gently kissed his cheek.

"See? We're coming home with you," she whispered, immensely relieved that she would be with Christian. She could keep an eye on him. She could keep him alive.

She didn't know what drove him so far over the edge. Broke him so deeply that he thought his only way to relieve the pain was to die... she needed to know.

***

"Christian?" Elizabeth said gently as they laid in bed that night.

"Yeah?" he said softly, running his hand through her hair. She was there and it just soothed him.

"What happened?" she whispered after a while, her eyes already filled with tears. "What drove you to attempting suicide?"

Christian froze, his breaths coming out in short, pained gasps.

"Ellie..." he whispered. He didn't want to hurt her. He didn't want her to think it was her fault... because it wasn't. At all.

"Please tell me? I can't help you feel better if I don't know why you're hurting so much. I hate seeing you hurting..." Elizabeth whispered, giving him a gentle kiss to calm his nerves.

"I... I ruined your life," he whispered, like it explained everything.

"How? By loving me and blessing me with 3 amazing babies?" Elizabeth asked, genuinely confused.

"You weren't ready for a third baby, Ellie. You entire pregnancy was painful and I did that to you. You didn't want a third baby with me, and my stupid ass got you pregnant again. It ended up with both you and our son suffering. To the point where he's been in the hospital since he was born because he can't breathe on his own," he whispered, not even looking at Ellie. He didn't want to see the disappointment in her eyes. "You're so smart, beautiful, and kind, Elizabeth. And I broke that. You were catatonic for two months... I break everything I love... and our kids shouldn't have to suffer because their dad is a mess. They're innocent..." he whispered, tears falling down his cheek. "I wanted to give you another shot at happiness. I wanted you to be free. You all deserve so much better."

Elizabeth was stunned. Christian must've been suffering so much before committing to his attempt.

"Christian... Have you been going to your therapy?" she asked quietly, forcing him to look at her.

"No. It wasn't working anymore. It wasn't changing me. I was still ruining everything I love," he shrugged, trying not to break down. Ellie looked so sad. "I just want you all to be happy..."

"You make us happy, Christian. Reilly and Ivy light up when they see you or hear your name. I... I feel like crying every second I'm away from you because I miss you so much. You are so so loved, wanted, needed, and cherished. We need you to be happy," Elizabeth whispered, tears pouring down her cheeks.

"Re-really?" he whispered, tears finally pouring down his cheeks. "You... you need me?" he whispered, brow furrowed.

"We all do. We'd be so lost without you. Ivy, Reilly, and Arlo wouldn't have a dad. I wouldn't have the love of my life. We'd be lost," she said softly.

And Christian lost it. The weight of what he almost did crashed down around him and he sobbed, his heart shattering.

He almost lost his whole family. He almost did to them what he feared would happen to him. He almost lost everything he loved.

He was selfish, and now he was so happy he failed.