Can't Fall in Love Without You (Christian Yelich)

81

Christian didn't get much sleep that night. He'd never felt more used and unloved. He was a means to an end. No different than a faceless sperm donor picked out of a book of thousands.

"Hmmm. Good morning," his wife whispered, her hand reaching down to stroke Christian's soft cock. Nothing.

"Babe?" she asked delicately, flipping on top of him and grinding down on him, gently holding his face with concern written on her own. "You okay?"

"There are clinics that can do this for you. You don't have to burden yourself with fucking someone you don't love anymore," he whispered and gently moved her from on top of him, rolling out of bed and going to the kitchen so that she wouldn't see him cry.

How'd they get here? From being so in love to this?

He didn't even know if he wanted another baby with her anymore. He felt disgusting. Before Sloane and Elizabeth, he was used constantly for his status and his dick, but it never affected him because he was always searching for sex. Now he was being used again, but by his own wife.

Those thoughts consumed him the entire time he made breakfast, pancakes for the kids and himself, Elizabeth's breakfast tacos filled with fertility promoting food for his wife.

It felt like everything was back to normal, but he didn't even know what normal was at this point. Was this normal? Having a wife more obsessed with getting pregnant than being in love with her husband? Having three kids that spent their time split between him and said wife?

None of it was normal. He wasn't happy doing this. He wanted his wife back.

"Daddy?" Ivy questioned quietly, his 8-year-old daughter wrapping her arms around his waist.

"Good morning, beautiful. Do you want blueberries or bananas on your pancakes?" he asked quietly, giving her a hug and immediately fixing her ponytail.

"Bananas, please. Why are you making mom's tacos?" she asked softly, already going to set the table before he could ask.

"Your mom came home last night, and this is what she has for breakfast," Christian smiled as well as he could, trying to keep his pain from his brilliant and inquisitive daughter.

"Dad... I love you," Ivy said, sensing his hurt. "Always always," she promised.

"I love you, too, princess. Always always," Christian smiled a bit more realistically, placing her breakfast in front of her and swooping down to pick up Arlo, who had just ran in, and blowing a raspberry into his belly.

"Daddy's raspberry man!" he smiled brightly, putting him in his chair and giving him his breakfast.

"Daddy? Can I have blubberies?" Reilly shouted, barrelling into Christian's legs.

This was his happiness. The busy morning routine with his kids... he missed his Elizabeth being part of the equation.

***

Elizabeth watched as Christian tended to the kids, tears in her eyes. How did they get here?

"Chris... I lo-"

"Don't. Eat your breakfast and go, please," he said quietly, placing her food in front of her. "I'm done."

"No," she said, feigning strength. She wasn't giving up. "I'm sorry..."

"I'll get you a cup for the road. Good luck this month. I'll just drop it off next month. Save you the trouble" he whispered, hating the words that were coming out of his mouth.

"We'll talk about this after we drop them off," she whispered, cuddling Arlo close to her. God she missed mornings with her babies.

"Your actions mean more than anything you could say to me right now, Elizabeth," he said with finality, going to the bedroom and closing the door before completely breaking down.

How did they get here?

***

Christian dropped the kids off at school for the day, finding himself staring at rows of dark liquor as he stopped at Target. He'd been sober ever since his suicide attempt, but damn did he need a drink.

Ellie Calling.

Declined.

He was so conflicted about all of it. The Ellie he'd seen the last 12 hours was so completely different than the Ellie he married. The Ellie he loved.

But he still couldn't shake how much he adored her. How much he wanted to snap her out of this. She'd been his rock through so much shit - he needed to be hers.

He was just so hurt. He didn't know how to cope with all of it.

He loved her so much, and it just didn't feel like he was loved anymore.

***

Christian didn't know what he was expecting when he got home, but it wasn't Elizabeth watching their wedding video while fidgeting with her wedding ring.

"Christian. You're home," she whispered, sliding her ring back on. "Can I help?" She asked, going to the groceries. She needed to show him that she meant it all. That she wanted him. That she loved him.

"You're still here?" His tone wasn't cold like this morning. It was...surprised? Hopeful? Elizabeth couldn't really tell, but it was a start.

"I... I'm still here. Can we talk?" she asked softly, putting the last of the groceries away.

"Yeah," he replied quietly and went to sit on the couch, his heart racing.

"Do you want a divorce?" Elizabeth asked suddenly after a few moments of silence.

"Wh... What?" Christian asked, his heart pounding in his chest. Oh god. He was losing her.

"You said you were done... what does that mean?" she whispered, tears in her eyes. She couldn't lose him.

"It... it means that I'm done trying for another baby. It's taking you away from me," he whispered, closing his eyes. "You're so consumed by having another baby that you've stopped caring about the family you already have. I love you with everything in me and it feels like I'm just a tool at this point," he said softly. Honesty. He needed to be honest.

"No... Christian. No. I love you so so much, and I just... it's the one thing I'm supposed to be able to do. I want to be able to complete our family and I'm failing. I've never failed like this before," she looked down, tears rolling down her cheeks. Those tears only intensified as she felt the strong arms of her husband wrap around her.

"We need to take a break. Resume in the offseason, and not be so strict about it. No perfunctory sex. Our babies have been made in love. We need to get back to that. You aren't failing, Elles.  You are a wonderful mom. Right now just isn't the time to have a baby. I... we will have another baby, but we need to get us back first," Christian was emotional as he spewed this, holding Elizabeth closer.

He was still in so much pain. But Elizabeth needed him. She needed him to be her rock.

"I love you. Always always," he whispered, kissing her temple and holding her tight as she cried and apologized over and over.