Can't Fall in Love Without You (Christian Yelich)

29

Christian had to remind himself how to breathe. In. Out. In. Out. It was another funeral that taught him that. The funeral of the love of his life. Just over a year ago.

In. Out. In. Out. He could do this. Again.

I love you. I wish I could be there. I know you're hurting, please remember to eat, drink water, and breathe. I love you.

Christian didn't respond. He wasn't going to. He needed all of the women out of his life. He didn't want to love another woman in any way, which is why he was going to give Ivy to Elizabeth. He couldn't do it anymore. He wasn't strong enough for all of this pain.

"Chris," Collin said softly, so much more confident than at Sloane's funeral. "Look at me." Collin was in pain too, of course. But he also understood that it didn't compare to what Christian was feeling. He had been through immeasurable pain so close together. The lack of tears was terrifying to the middle Yelich.

"Is it time?" Christian was numb. He learned with Sloane that numbness just felt better.

"It is. We've got this, brother," he said softly and wrapped Christian in a hug. He was worried about Christian. He had no light in his eyes. There was zero good in this. With Sloane, he had Ivy to at least keep him going. Now he had Elizabeth, but was actively shoving her away.

Speaking of Elizabeth, her beautiful smile was lighting up Christian's phone screen and he was just staring.

"Answer her, Chris. She'll help," Collin said softly, relieved when he accepted the call.

"What," his response was short and cold, a stark contrast to every time she would talk to him.

"Christian... god I'm so relieved. I was so scared. I love you, baby. I wish I could be there for you right now," she said softly, her voice sad despite the fact that Alecia was nothing but cruel to her. She loved Christian with everything in her and she knew that Alecia was the woman who shaped him.

"I don't want you here, and neither would she. The last conversation I had with my mom was defending you. I don't want a constant fucking reminder of that. Just leave me the fuck alone! I don't want to talk to you! I don't want to see your stupid fucking face! I just want my mom and wife back!" he snapped into his phone and blocked her number, a single tear threatening to roll down his cheek until he harshly scrubbed it away.

"Christian... that wasn't fair to Elizabeth. We're all hurting right now. We can't push away the people we love... We need them," Collin said softly, not looking at Christian but climbing up the stairs to the gorgeous church they chose.

"I don't fucking love her," he sounded entirely unconvincing, his eyes in so much pain as he forced it out. He did. He loved her so much. But he couldn't. The only way he could survive was by not allowing himself to love. He couldn't stand losing more of what he loved.

***

Elizabeth tried to convince herself that he didn't mean it. That he was just hurting so much and couldn't handle it. But he blocked her. He completely removed her contact with him.

It hurt. It felt incredibly final, and that terrified her.

Because she couldn't bring Alecia back, and she wasn't nearly as perfect as Sloane. She was a nobody. She wasn't what he wanted. He sounded so angry, and it scared her. She wanted him home. She wanted to be able to hold him and be his rock.

Instead, she had to work.

And she lost him.

***

The funeral was beautiful. Everything went perfectly; they all cried and praised Alecia for being the best damn mom three boys could ask for. Then Collin went home to his wife, Allie, and Cam went back to his house, leaving Christian all alone.

And he could feel the walls closing in on him. The one person he could always count on was his mom. And now she was gone. Sloane was gone. He really hoped he convinced Elizabeth to be gone. Hopefully she'd take Ivy. He couldn't do it anymore. He wasn't strong enough.

He had to go home in the morning, but he hoped that the ocean swallowed him whole before then.

***

Elizabeth had spent the entire day cooking, replenishing his stock of frozen meals and making tacos just like Alecia would. Food healed so much, and she hoped that it would at least help him lift the fog. She could be patient. She could take the things he said in his pain.

She thought, at least.

Just after 1:00, Christian's door unlocked and Ivy ran in.

"Mama!" she grinned and hugged her mama tight.

"Mama!" she said again as Elizabeth held her close.

"Mama's here. She missed you so much." And she did. It was only two days, but Elizabeth's heart ached for Ivy. She really was her mom, and Elizabeth was starting to really understand that.

"Get out," Christian snapped, throwing his keys down and taking his jacket off.

"Christian... I made lunch. I'm staying here, and I'll do whatever you need from me," she said softly and went to take his hand, heart dropping when he wrenched it away.

"I don't want your food. I don't want your company. I don't want you! I want you to fucking LEAVE! Leave me alone. I don't love you anymore," he couldn't look at her while he blatantly lied. She'd thank him when she got to live. It was easier this way. It'd hurt her for a while but she'd be fine. She'd live.

"Christian..." he could hear the tears in her voice. He could hear the raw pain

"Leave," it was easier this way, he convinced himself as the door clicked closed.

It had to be easier.