Can't Fall in Love Without You (Christian Yelich)

42

Elizabeth could cuddle Ivy again. She was so relieved she got to hold her baby girl. God, she had missed her. And now Ivy even told her bye-bye before she left for work. Her heart melted every single time.

"Ivy is so, so big," she informed her daughter, kissing her on the cheek. Ivy giggled and moved her arms far apart to indicate what big meant. So, so sweet and so, so smart.

"She loves you so much," Christian said softly, kissing his girlfriend delicately on the cheek while the family of three, soon to be four, lounged around in bed on a rare shared off-day.

Elizabeth gave him a smile, happy that her life was slowly being glued back together.

She was being careful, though. She had to be. She couldn't be hurt again. She was reserved with her contact, with her physical expressions of love.

And Christian noticed. And it was painful when she would sometimes brush him away from her, but he understood. She was kind about it. Apologetic. She felt bad she wasn't ready to feel all of him again.

"I set up some house appointments for this afternoon. Is that okay?" he asked her gently, facing her in bed with Ivy now content between them.

"Perfect," she replied. "Can't wait." She meant it. She wanted to share a life with him, despite the hurt, and a house was at least a start to that. She didn't need a wedding band, but she needed an action that indicated his commitment. It could be a tiny house. It could be crumbling to the ground, even. But it would be theirs, and that's what mattered to her.

"I gave the realtor our list of requirements, and hopefully she shows us some good places. At least three bedrooms. Two bathrooms. A nice, fenced-in backyard where baby boy can play t-ball and Ivy can be better at it than him. 'Cute curb appeal, but not too new, a little charming,' as you put it."

Elizabeth leaned over Ivy to give Christian a brief kiss on the cheek. "Thank you, Chris," she smiled.

"I can't wait to share this life with you, Elizabeth," he responded, looking her straight in the eyes.

She believed him.

***

The realtor showed them six houses. A gigantic mansion on Lake Drive that Elizabeth thought was too extravagant and wasteful. A colonial in Shorewood. A quainter colonial in Whitefish Bay. A McMansion in Brookfield that reminded Christian of his childhood home in California, but wasn't too Elizabeth's liking. At all. A penthouse on Prospect that Elizabeth thought was "some tacky bullshit." And a spacious bungalow in Riverwest that Elizabeth claimed was just right.

Christian thought it was all sorts of wrong, but he knew it didn't matter. Elizabeth deserved to win this one.

"But we'll have no privacy, Ellie," he tried to counter.

"I don't want my kids to grow up sheltered. I want them to grow up around people and art and culture. It's important to me. Please?"

"We can afford anything anywhere . . . Sky's the limit," he continued.

"Please?"

Christian sighed. "Okay, we can put in an offer for the Riverwest house." He wanted her to win, anyway.

Elizabeth was thrilled. It checked all her boxes, and she'd get to live there with her family. Christian and their two beautiful children.

When they returned to Christian's apartment, Elizabeth was absolutely exhausted after six hours worth of appointments, so she collapsed on the couch while Christian made comfort food: grilled cheese and tomato soup at her request. He added a side of veggies because he knew she needed them. He was trying so hard, but she wasn't sure if it was just because he messed up, dragging them both through hell and back, or if the effort ran deeper than that. She just wanted to trust him. She wanted it all to be real this time.

"I'm ready for bed," she informed Christian shortly after dinner.

"Babe, it's not even Ivy's bedtime," Christian said, glancing at the clock – 7:30 pm.

"Do you mind if I call it a night?" she asked.

"No, of course not. How about you get ready for sleep while I straighten up a bit? I'll join you after I get Little Miss Ivy to bed."

She dozed off as soon as her head hit the pillow, but her sleep was light. She felt Christian wrap an arm around her and place a gentle kiss on her neck when he finally crawled into bed an hour later. "I love you, Elizabeth. I'm so lucky you're still here."

He was sure she was asleep. He could usually tell, so he was surprised when she turned around and faced him. "I love you too," she whispered, taking initiative and giving him a kiss on the lips. She hadn't kissed his lips since she ran away to Marshfield. Christian felt the instant relief wash over him.

His Ellie wanted to kiss him again, and that felt big.

***

"I can't live without them," Christian muttered to the doctor, his white coat drenched in blood. Ellie's blood. Ivy's blood. His son's blood.

Christian left the hospital, on a mission, pushing his Mercedes to a speed he had never attempted before. Safety wasn't vital for the undertaking he had in mind.

It was just a step off a ledge. He could do it. One single jump.

"Christian, are you okay?" He felt Ellie shaking his shoulder, and his eyes shot awake. He was drenched in sweat, droplets dripping down his forehead. Ellie wiped them away.

Thank God she was safe. He was safe, too. He wasn't sure how he felt about that, but he didn't dwell on it. Because he had Ellie.

"Yeah, I'm fine," he lied. "Just another dream."

"You mean just another nightmare," she said softly, cuddling into his side. Her body brought him so much comfort. He would never be able to aptly describe how perfectly she fit against him. It was outside of reality.

"Yeah, a nightmare," he replied, slightly embarrassed. He was a goddamn child.

"I think you should see someone, Chris. They're constant. You don't ever catch a break. You never sleep well, and they're only getting worse. I'm worried about you . . ." She had been worried about him before things fell apart, but now the dreams were impacting him on a different level. He was spacey. Sometimes he would stare off at nothing for minutes, and she'd be unable to bring him back to the conversation. He was more aggressive when it came to baseball . . . making riskier defensive plays that could take him out for a season. He would be sad and happy in the same minute.

He needed a professional. She knew that.

"You're a doctor. You can help, right?" he asked, eyes wide and terrified. She could see the fear even in the darkness of the room.

"I'm not the right kind of doctor, and I'm also a part of the equation. I can't be objective."

Christian sighed, wiping more sweat and tears away. He only wanted to share these things with Elizabeth. She was the only person he trusted . . . But he also wanted to make her happy. And he wanted to be happy. Why couldn't he just be happy? Why was he like this? Scared, anxious, crippled . . .

"Okay," Christian said softly, the dream scaring him enough to take action. "I can't live without you, Elizabeth," he added, voice a whisper now.

Elizabeth was terrified too, unsure what he meant by the words that just left his lips.