Can't Fall in Love Without You (Christian Yelich)

68

She had said she wasn't ready for a baby. She didn't want another baby with him. She wanted to work and focus on the family they already had.

He should have listened.

Christian knew this was all his fault. Elizabeth was innocent. He took full responsibility for ruining his family. For potentially killing his son. For being the worst dad and husband. For failing everyone.

"You can touch him and talk to him gently," the NICU nurse informed him while he watched his baby sleep. Her voice was kind, and Christian didn't deserve kindness. Why was she being so sweet?

"What if I hurt him?" he asked, tears flooding his eyes. Arlo Samuel Yelich looked so tiny and frail. His limbs were twigs. You could see his veins. Christian broke his son . . .

The nurse offered a sympathetic smile. "You won't. Just speak softly and hold his tiny little hand. Everything is going to be okay, Mr. Yelich. He's doing great. No heart problems. Neural development is typical. He's as healthy as he could possibly be at this age. He's a little fighter."

Christian just nodded as the tears stung his face. He slowly moved his hand into the incubator, afraid to make contact. Afraid he'd break Arlo even further. He eventually held his son's tiny hand between his thumb and index finger. He had never held anything so fragile in his life.

Arlo took Christian's breath away, but watching him live with the help of machinery made Christian nauseous. Christian was the one who deserved to suffer . . . Not his little boy.

"I love you," he whispered to his baby. "You are going to have the best life. I promise. It'll get better.'

Christian held his son's hand for what felt like hours – until the pediatrician on staff kicked him out to run some tests with her team. "Go check on that beautiful wife of yours, Mr. Yelich. See if she's awake."

Elizabeth needed him too.

He couldn't forget that.

***

"Hi, baby," Christian whispered when his wife's eyes fluttered open.

"Arlo?" she asked immediately, panic overcoming her usually calm voice. Christian watched her wince from her attempt to sit up straight in bed too quickly.

"He's good. The doctors are just running some tests. I held his hand. He's incredible, Ellie," he whispered, squeezing his wife's hand. He had to be strong for her. He wanted to break into pieces, but he couldn't let her see the weakness.

Elizabeth burst into sobs. "I'm sorry I let this happen. I should have stayed in bed. I should have listened to you whenever you told me to stop. I'm so, so sorry. I'll never forgive myself," she choked out through her tears.

"Elizabeth, stop. You are the best mom, the best person, and there's nothing either of us could have done to change the circumstances," he lied. He could have been better somehow . . . A better husband. A better dad. Just better.

Nothing Christian said helped to ease her pain.

Why was he so useless?

***

Elizabeth was technically released from the hospital three days after her emergency C-section, but she was intent on living in the facility until the moment Arlo was released. She had failed him, and it was the least she could do as the one person who was supposed to protect him always.

Elizabeth hardly spoke to Christian. She spent her time crying, staring off into space, and completely, and rightfully, consumed by her suffering little boy.

Christian understood, but he missed his wife. He wanted to help her, and he couldn't; he didn't know the right words to say or the right things to do. "Hey, sweetheart, do you want to check in on Ivy and Reilly? Your mom arrived yesterday, and I'm sure she wants to see you as well," he said gently, running his hand up and down her back while they watched their preemie sleep.

"No," was all she said. "I'm scared to leave."

"Okay," Christian nodded. "I understand." He had been saying those words a lot lately.

I understand. I understand. I understand.

***

"Are you ready to hold him, momma?" the nurse asked Elizabeth with a big smile on her face. Elizabeth nodded her head aggressively, which caused Christian to smile . . . It was his first real smile all week.

They were finally going to get to hold their little boy in their arms. He was finally off his ventilator and breathing with just some help from CPAP. It was such a relief for both of them. Christian could see the respite in Ellie's eyes, and it brought him a temporary bit of happiness. Just enough to get through the day without breaking down.

He had been breaking down at night . . . When and where Ellie couldn't see. He couldn't show her the weakness. He was so weak.

Christian watched the nurse help Ellie get Arlo situated against her breasts, wrapping the boy snugly against her. "Oh my God, Christian," she whispered. "He's so beautiful. Look at him," she continued, tears rolling down her cheeks. "Our perfect, perfect little fighter."

"You're both so perfect," Christian choked out, stroking his son's dark hair while Ellie supported him with her hand. Even her delicate fingers looked so big in contrast to his body.

***

Christian held the bottle of phenazepam in his hand, studying the label. The pills, mixed with a bottle of whiskey, would definitely do the trick.

And he'd stop fucking up everyone's lives.

A little voice shook him from his morbid thoughts. "Daddy?"

Christian immediately shoved the pills back into their hiding spot. "Yeah, Ives?" he said with a big smile, swooping his daughter into his arms.

"Can I sleep in your woom?"

"Of course you can," he said with a smile, kissing his daughter's forehead.

Not tonight.

***

"I don't understand why we can't transfer him to Milwaukee. I'm not leaving here without my family," Christian shouted at the pediatrician.

"Christian, stop, please," Elizabeth interrupted, practically begging her husband to calm down. "I'm so sorry, Dr. Betz," she said softly.

"It's okay, Dr. Yelich-Reed. Emotions are high. Mr. Yelich, I understand your frustration, but Arlo is doing so well here, and I think it best not to disrupt his care."

"So I'm supposed to return to Wisconsin without my wife and three kids. Is that what you're saying?"

"Maybe we can reassess in a few weeks and get him back to Milwaukee before his due date. We can aim for late April or early May," Dr. Betz tried to compromise.

"Fuck that. Ellie, don't tell me you actually want to stay here?" He was panicking now. He could feel his heart racing. He was struggling to breathe.

"It's what's best for Arlo. Dr. Betz is absolutely correct," she said softly, trying to calm her husband down. He had been so calm and sweet lately – she hated watching him flip like this. But she couldn't expect him to take the news well. They were his babies, too.

"I'm going to go get a coffee," Christian excused himself. What he really wanted to get were his pills.

"He's usually so polite," Ellie informed Dr. Betz. "I'm sorry you had to see that."

"There's no need to apologize for a man loving his family," Dr. Betz said with a smile. "Everything is going to be okay."