Can't Fall in Love Without You (Christian Yelich)

46

Christian watched Elizabeth sleep. He did this a lot as of late – taking in her soft breaths, appreciating that she was still with him. Alive and well.

For now. He was just waiting for everything to crumble into pieces. He had a tendency to kill everything he touched. Everything he loved.

"Chris?" he heard her stir.

"Yeah, baby?" he replied, immediately placing a hand on her stomach, a protective instinct of his. He wanted to keep them both safe.

"You need to sleep." She cuddled up against him – his favorite thing. "I'm fine. We're fine. Everything is going to be just fine."

"How many kids do you want?" he asked out of nowhere, trying to distract himself from his dark thoughts.

She laughed a little. "I can't see past Reilly. With our jobs, I don't think anything beyond two kids is practical, so we have everything we need." She was surprised he wanted to have this conversation considering his hesitance toward marriage.

"I'd have a baseball team with you if you wanted," he whispered, placing a single kiss right below her earlobe.

She laughed again, and the sound made Christian smile. She had such a soft, sweet laugh. "I think a girl and boy is all we need."

"Well, the offer still stands," he murmured, pressing his lips against her forehead.

***

Christian changed into his uniform in private. He had been wearing long sleeves all night and all day to cover his self-inflicted injuries, and now he was taping up his wrists to hide his cuts in his short-sleeved jersey. It wasn't cool enough outside to pull off long sleeves without drawing attention. He didn't want attention.

"Hey, man, your wrists bothering you?" Travis asked him, noting the over-abundance of tape. Christian liked to tape his wrists, but this looked excessive.

"Yeah, just a little tight," he lied. "Figured this would help give me a little snap. Have to impress Ellie tonight."

Travis grinned. "Ellie's coming? Lindy's going to be thrilled."

"Yeah, she's officially on maternity leave. She fell and hurt her wrist, and she just decided it'd be safest to stay home."

"Wow, that doesn't sound like her at all. She loves her job. How do you feel about her decision?"

Christian reflected for a moment before answering his friend's question. "It's easier to keep her safe if she's at home. And she'll be able to support me during the home stretch, and I'm thankful for that."

Travis gave Christian a curious look. "She'd be safe at work, Christian. Nothing's going to happen to her. I know you think you're some sort of angel of death, but what happened to you these past couple of years is just shitty luck. The shittiest luck. I need you to know that." He patted Christian's back. "Time to hit the cage."

Travis had no idea what he was talking about. He had never experienced pain this deep, this life-altering. Christian lost his wife and mother, and Ellie, Ivy, and Reilly were next. You couldn't convince him otherwise.

***

Ellie watched in terror as Christian slid head first into third base. He stood up and shook it off, and she noticed him closely examine his left wrist. She thought it strange, as she was originally a bit more concerned with the contact Christian's head had with the third baseman's foot.

It was a bad slide, a reckless slide, but he was safe. And the trainer seemed to think he was alright. That was something.

Christian had been quiet the whole drive home. Not angry. Not upset with her. Just quiet. Withdrawn. He'd answer her questions, but he didn't ask any. He did hold her hand tightly. That was something.

"Are you okay?" she asked him tenderly, giving his hand a light squeeze as she drove them to their apartment complex.

"Yeah, fine, just tired," he said softly.

"Is your head okay?"

Christian just nodded.

"What about your wrist?" She knew there was something going on with it. The trainer didn't notice Christian's discomfort, but she did.

"What?" Christian questioned . . . almost defensively.

She wasn't going to press it while she drove. She didn't want to heighten emotions at the wheel.

But she asked again when they got home, once Ivy was asleep. "Can I see your wrist?" Her tone was hesitant. She didn't want him to explode.

Christian shook his head no. "I'm fine, Ellie. Perfect. Shook everything right off."

"Do you want to take a shower with me?" she offered. She knew she was trying to trap him into revealing what he was hiding, but she needed to know he was okay. He was always so occupied with her health and well-being, but he needed to be the main focus right now. He was broken. She knew that.

"Yes, but I can't," he said softly.

"Please let me see. I love you, and I want to help. I know something's wrong. I know you're hiding something." She soothingly placed a hand on his left arm. She knew there was something there. Her intuition rarely failed her.

He froze in place, so she slowly pushed up the sleeve of his black hoodie. He inhaled sharply and shut his eyes as the fabric peeled away to his expose his ruined skin. He didn't want her to see, but he couldn't hide it forever. She was too smart. Too caring. Too loving.

"Christian," she whispered when she saw the deep horizontal cuts. "Christian," she repeated, the words not coming easily. She wrapped her arms around his body, resisting the urge to cry into his chest. She had to be strong for him. She had to help him through this. "I love you," she said softly. "And I know you're overwhelmed by thoughts and fears of losing me, but I'm worried about losing you." She couldn't stop herself. The tears started to flow. Christian was hurting, and she couldn't help him.

Christian held her tightly against him, needing her touch. Needing her love. Needing his Ellie.

"You need to get help, Christian. I'll be here for you through all of it, but I can't watch you slip away from me. I need you. Ivy and Reilly need you. We're a family, and you're our rock."

Christian couldn't respond, as he was overcome by uncontrollable sobbing.

He was so weak, and Ellie was so strong.