November Rain

Chapter 12: The Confession

"What is it babe? You look disturbed.." dia menatap gue dengan penuh pertanyaan.

"Can we just go upstairs? I need to talk in private."

"Sure.. Yea." Dia mengikuti langkah gue masuk ke elevator.

Di dalam elevator dia memperhatikan gue yang semakin terlihat nggak tenang. He holds my hand but I pull away. Thus, he decides to just put his arm around my shoulders.

Gue siap. Gue udah memantapkan niat untuk jadi wanita paling brengsek malam ini dan mengakhiri segala kebodohan yang gue buat sendiri. I might be a bitch, but I don't wanna be a coward. Pintu kamar terbuka dan gue menarik napas dalam-dalam.

Dan tiba-tiba bisikan setan dalam hati gue kembali menggelitik. Which one should I talk about first? Fania or Brian?

"Duduk dulu, Nick."

"You sound serious," dia duduk di atas kasur, sementara gue menarik kursi untuk duduk di hadapannya.

"I guess it's time for you to know that I'm a loser. I've been such an ass."

"Was it something I did?"

"No, it's..." telepon di genggamannya tiba-tiba berdering. I saw a name on the screen 'Lil Funny'

He slides it to decline.

"Go on?"

"Why didn't you take the call?"

"It can wait."

Nama gue cuma disimpen Indri pake love. Not that I protested, I mean I do the same with his contact name. But, Lil funny? Yea, like how funny our relationship is.

"I saw your ex the other day, in the minimart." Holy son of a b...

The Devil inside me 1 – Indrika's logic 0.

"How does seeing my ex make you..?" he asks back.

"Because she's your ex, but I still feel like her presence means something is going on between you two." gue berkelit.

"Baby, I'm sorry, I should've told you sooner."

You don't have to apologize. The blame is totally on me. I'm distracting our main problem here.

"Told me what?"

"She works with me now, in my company."

Pernah tau nggak kalo di film-film kartun pas ada berita buruk atau orang jahat yang muncul tiba-tiba diikuti backsound suara horror? Ya kayak gitu yang ada di dalem batin gue, berkecamuk.

She used to be the most important person in his life. It's the distance that tore them apart. And now it's not there.

"You bring your ex back to your life, and you didn't even tell me? You did say that you had nothing to tell in our phone call, remember?"

"Well, you used to say that this kind of thing wasn't even a big deal whenever I had to do something with my female coworker"

"Oh, now, it's my fault? She's your freaking EX, not just coworker, Nick."

Lah ngapa gue yang emosi? INDRIKA DO YOU EVEN LISTEN TO YOURSELF?

"No.. no, wait, it's not.." dia menghela napas. "I didn't say it's your fault."

"How long have you been hiding this?"

"I'm not hiding this, I just don't think this is something we need to argue about.."

"Right." I reply sarcastically.

"She joined us in June."

It's November now. So he's been around his ex for nearly half of the year. And it wasn't a big deal, he said. Okay, focus. I'm not here to justify, I'm here to confess my sin.

"Brian is the man I met in the airport."

"Who?" dia kaget dengan pergantian topic yang tiba-tiba.

"The man who gave me that package. We've been spending the last two days together."

"Wait, what?" dia masih berusaha mencerna.

"Nick, we need to stop covering things from each other."

"I know. That's why I apologized. Aku nggak bermaksud menyembunyikan dia dari kamu. Tapi kamu orang yang nggak pernah mau bikin urusan di antara kita ribet. And I didn't bring her in. Kamu tau kan keluarga kami dekat? It was a favor her father asked to my family. She was supposed to move to UK, but her family despised the idea because they wanted her to be close to them, or someone they can trust."

"And they only trust you." Gue menimpali.

"This is out of my control, you know that."

"Yea, but naming her contact 'lil funny' was definitely within your control." my anger shifted.

"Babe, please. It's how we've been calling each other for years."

Nah kan? Bisa apa gue. Mereka yang keluarganya saling mengenal, berteman dari kecil, pacaran, putus karena jarak. Jelas gue cuma iklan 5 detik yang lewat sebelum video utama dimulai. Kalah durasi.

"Fine. But we're not here only to talk about her."

"Yea, what about him? So you spent your time together?"

"And then some."

"What do you mean some?" mata bulatnya melebar.

"I might have done.. something I shouldn't have." gue mulai tercekat. I did something bad, but I feel like I'm the one who get hurt. I can't hold my tears any longer.

"Hey.. sshh.." he kneels and puts his palm on my back.

"Aku nggak berharap kamu maafin aku di sini.. I just don't think I deserve to stay." gue ngomong sambil banjir.

"Hold on.. are you trying to make the score even? We both are wrong in different ways, I know. But this doesn't mean we give up on things." he holds both of my hands while I cry.

"I don't know, Nick. I just need some time on my own."

"You're not leaving me. Just don't." he begs.

"I need to figure things out. I'm tired of lying to myself."

"Lying to yourself? Will you please make me understand?" 

I shake my head, running out of words.

I'm officially an asshole for making him leave. Tapi gue bener-bener nggak merasa alasan dia untuk tetap mempertahankan semua ini masuk akal. I don't even deserve forgiveness. Let alone making this last. So here I am, ruining my relationship right a few days before my third anniversary.

Nick meninggalkan gue malam itu setelah gue menangis dalam rangkulan bahu lebarnya yang dulunya begitu hangat dan sekarang terasa hampa. Dia bilang kalau dia masih nggak akan nyerah sama hubungan kami, that I was just having a rough time and when all things are considered, we'll be back together, and he'll wait, meskipun gue nggak menjawab dengan apapun.

Gue capek lahir batin dan besok masih ada satu hari lagi untuk menyelesaikan pekerjaan kantor. Sisa cuti gue setelahnya masih panjang, tapi sepertinya gue akan beli tiket pulang aja ke Jakarta daripada makin makan hati di kota ini. Gue butuh Indira, gue kangen Ucup. Everything here feels so foreign, and I'm longing for home.

Sudah hampir tengah malam ketika gue melempar diri kembali ke kasur dan mengambil hape untuk memeriksa settingan alarm ketika gue mendapati

Brian 11.18
Hello? Are you there? :)

Brian 11.25
Indrika?
Pingpong

Brian 11.47
Missed you.