November Rain

Chapter 17: The Empty Promises

Have you ever loathed yourself for being such an ass, but still wanting to blame other people anyway?

I've been an ass. A whole new level of ass that even the word ass is an understatement.

Things I've been doing with Brian are way more than just flings. Like, fucking much more than what my rational mind can grasp. We are insane.

Tapi pembelaan gue adalah: Nick, yang segitunya ngotot mempertahankan hubungan kami seolah dia nggak bisa hidup tanpa gue 3 hari yang lalu, lagi mabuk party dipelukan mantannya, di hari yang seharusnya menjadi anniversary ketiga kami.

Di hari yang gue takutkan bakalan membuat gue kembali merasa bersalah karena dugaan gue dia bakalan ngeyel ngucapin happy anniversary dan kata-kata manis lainnya buat merebut hati gue lagi.

But he didn't even text me.

Ya, gimana? Gue salah memang, tapi gimana? Rugi gue ge-er.

I set my expectations too high.

Tiba-tiba gue blank aja gitu. Nggak ngerti harus ngerasa gimana, nggak ngerti harus mikir apa. I'm not mad. I mean, how can I be? I've done so much worse. Tapi kali ini gue bener-bener ngerasa kosong.

Kayak ada sesuatu di dada gue, yang mendadak menyedot semuanya sampe jadi, ya hollow, bolong dan hampa.

Ada tapi nggak ada. Nggak jelas apa namanya.

"Leap Year is on TV." Brian nongol di pintu kamar gue yang setengah terbuka. Apparently he remembers that's one of my favorite romantic comedy movies. I told him last night.

Film romantis bukan genre favorite gue karena gue lebih suka yang mikir dan serius, atau kartun sekalian. But there are some that I consider pretty good and I often rewatch by myself.

Leap Year reminds me a lot of what I'm currently going through.

"Hm.. I think I'll get some sleep,"

"What is it?" dia masuk setelah menyadari perubahan nada bicara gue.

"I just called him."

"And?"

"Nothing." I heave a sigh.

"He didn't remember?"

"Drunk. He was drunk."

"Because of you?"

"What? Nooo. That's not possible. He's in a friend's birthday party."

"Did he actually say that he got drunk because he was having fun in the party?"

"Dia nggak ngomong apa-apa. Cuma mumbling nggak jelas."

"Ya berarti lu nggak bisa nge-judge dong, dia mabuk beneran karena seneng-seneng, atau karena hal lain?"

"You're saying?"

"Hm... I don't know.. some people use booze to get away from their problem, or to clear their mind?"

"Jadi menurut kamu, ada kemungkinan dia minum gara-gara kepikiran masalah kemarin gitu?"

"That might be one of the reasons. Or else he was just having fun." he pats my head.

"Fania is there. She's taking a VERY good care of him." gue tertawa lirih. Sarcastically.

"Is that jealousy in your voice?" tanyanya setengah menyindir.

"It's not... It's just, he spoke very highly of our relationship, like he believed nothing could ever happen between us, tried so hard to prove himself that it's worth the fight."

"But he let you down. Kamu kecewa dia nggak bersikap sama kayak apa yang dia janjiin?" ujarnya seolah membaca pikiran gue.

Disappointment. That's probably the right diction.

"Am I disappointed? Did I sound that desperate?"

"Well, if you set some expectations than you're liable to feel so."

True. Brian said the exact amount of truth. I might have expected too much.

"Why are you on his side?"

"I'm not taking sides."

"But.. you just tried to convince me that he might've done that because he actually thought about me.."

"Well, I was brainstorming some probabilities. Kita harus menyikapi masalah dengan bijak, Ndri. Seseorang pernah bilang sama gue, makin nambah umur, makin kita harus pinter membagi sudut pandang. Nggak boleh liat masalah dari satu sisi aja."

"Why? I thought you would've just agreed that he's equally guilty.."

"What does that make me? A coward? I gotta have neutral point of view here. Whatever is happening between us, I'm not gonna let it cloud my judgment."

"You don't like me enough to take my side?"

"I do, very much. But what's the point if you don't even know where you stand yet? Lu aja nggak tau kita ini ngapain."

"Are you upset?" gue memeluk dia karena perlahan rasa bersalah gue pindah pihak.

"Of course not. I'm not 15!" senyumnya.

"Indri, you gotta think straight first. What do you want? What do you actually expect? If you wanna run back to him I'll let you go. Lu harus tau, mau lu apa dan ke mana? This isn't gonna be my fight if you're not even sure where you want to end up."

Gue menenggelamkan kepala ke lekukan antara leher dan dadanya yang hangat, menghela napas dalam-dalam dan menghirup sisa-sisa parfum yang masih menempel di sana.

"Home. I wanna be home."