A Crossroad ✔

Chapter 58: If

[Quin]

"Well, hello there our longest-surviving patient from MOM. How are you feeling today?" Dr. Hans greeted as he walked gracefully towards my bedroom. Kekembot-kembot pa siya habang maarteng dinadala ang aking chart.

"Stop that, doc. And I'm feeling fine." He just rolled his eyes at me before signalling the nurse to check my vital signs. Kaagad naman nitong isinagawa ang trabaho habang tipid na nakangiti sa akin. I nodded with a formal smile and let her.

"You always say that. If I am not pretty and kind enough, I could've strangled you for lying in the last two years and three months," he said like a child in hysterics. May pahilot-hilot pa siya sa sentido na lihim kong ikinailing.

Years...

Napabuntong-hininga tuloy ako. Time passed by so fast, I guess. Matapos ang nangyari sa Los Angeles barely two years ago, nagpalipat ako sa isang ospital dito sa New York.

For 10,920 hours, I received treatment the way I must. Doctors were happy to see me and my body responding to different treatments even most of them were so painful.

This fact gave me hope.

Kahit wala na akong babalikan sa Pilipinas—sa taong pinaalis ko na, kailangan ko pa ring mabuhay. I need to live because this is the only way I can repay my parents' effort to save me. Imbes kasi na ako na ang mag-alaga sa kanila, heto ako at siyang inaalagaan.

I'm happy enough that I reached 27, and I'm turning 28 this September. Two months from now. Two months more. Sana magtagal pa ako ng dalawang buwan.

For the span of years, maraming nagbago. Tuluyan nang nabulag ang kanang mata ko, unfortunately. At ngayon, ang aking kaliwang mata na naman ang nagbabadyang mabulag. Sometimes, I would just wake up and see things white, nothing more.

Then I would be so scared. I would call mom and cry until I sleep only to be able to see varied colors when I wake up.

Masakit pero kailangan kong tanggapin.

At least I still can see a little even though I relied on glasses even more. My hair, it's gone. In short, kalbo na ako. Tela na lang ang tumatakip sa masakit na katotohanang 'yong dulot ng chemotherapies at kung anu-ano pang gamot na matatapang.

Sa edad na dalawampu't pito, nagtitimbang lang ako ng 36 kilograms.

Sobrang hirap din, lalo na kapag natutulog ako. I would just wake up, seeing my poor mom crying because I am not responding and so doctors have to revive me. Natatakot na akong matulog kasi ayokong umiyak na naman ang mom ko sa pag-aalala para sa aking kalagayan.

Kung noon, nakalalakad pa ako kahit hirap na hirap na, iba na ngayon. I spent my time off the bed in wheelchairs. Pareho na kami ni mom. I can't walk anymore. I am disabled. I am useless. Futile, pointless. A scrap.

Sobrang hirap mabuhay nang ganito. I feel so worthless every single second that counts. Imbaldado. May sakit. There are even times that I just want to rest forever but I know it'll hurt my family.

That maybe I am better off dead than this feckless because there's no use already. I will die any time, even if I live for another five years... I will not be living but suffering. And the people around me will suffer more.

Hindi naman siguro masama ang euthanasia. Hindi naman kasi ito buhay. Hindi ito pagkabuhay dahil pinapatay ako at nandadamay pa ng ibang tao. Pero naisip ko rin, hindi naman ako ang magdedesisyon para diyan. I am no one to decide whether I should end it because I am not the one who started it.

This may be my life but this is only borrowed. We can't destroy something that is not ours.

Kaya hinihiling ko na lang na kahit alam kong darating talaga ako sa puntong 'yon, 'wag muna ngayon. Not only for my family, I also want to live longer for myself too.