A Crossroad ✔

Epilogue

[Raven]

It started like this. The sound of loud music, the smell of people and the heat of the luminous spotlight were the beginning of everything I vowed for. The things that I promised myself I would do and never compromise myself from.

I heard the loud cheers of people as an ocean of colors danced in the rather dark surrounding of this arena. Para akong mabibingi sa laki at sa ingay pero ang tanging ginawa ko ay hayaan ang isang ngiting kumurba sa aking labi.

I raised my hand in the air as I gripped the microphone tight. I looked up, then closed my eyes as I managed to smile again. I love this. 

The instrumental started, mixtures of drum beats, acoustic and electric guitar strums, piano tiles and even sound effects. I puffed a deep breath as I filled my chest with oxygen, then I took the microphone right in front of my mouth and and I opened my mouth to utter the first verse.

I never knew it would end like this. The good songs, the fancy and effulgent life would turn into series of crosses... Failures from celebrations. And celebrations from failures. 

"She can't make it..." That is what the doctor said after I mustered the courage to ask. "Based on her current charts and vital signs, add up her evaluations either psychological or physical..." He shook his head and even how I tried my best not to tear up, naiyak pa rin ako kasi tang*na.

Ang sakit.

"It'll be difficult. Those who have better conditions than her this day are even prone to dying." Tumango-tango ako at mabilis nang nagpaalam. I can't take it.

I can't bear to listen how doctors and any medical professionals say Quin cannot even last for a year or so. I can't bear to listen how they analyze her current situation with their... Their charts and f*cking tell me I will lose her anytime.

We were just so happy. We just celebrated our first year and a two months... When she left. I had no idea how or where or why she did so. They all disappeared like bubbles and I am that stupid child, looking for it still even how impossible.

You see, I was devastated. And right now, I am miserable. May mga panahong kinakausap ko na ang sarili sa salamin bago lumabas at harapin ulit si Quin nang nakangiti.

"Smile, dumbass. You have to show her it is all fine." That is what I always  tell myself. It is suffocating and heavy in my chest but I am molded to act like this because I don't want to fill our reunion with cries and regrets.

I want to cry so much, everyday because I am scared. I am so scared I will lose her again, and this time, permanently. Mahal na mahal ko siya at hindi ko kaya. Hindi ko kaya.

"You are so heartless, baby..." I whispered one day while she was asleep. The room is silent and dim. The glass windows were covered with curtains and the heater is on. Tita and Tito are asleep on the other bed. Anne and her husband are home.

I am sitting just right close to Quin's bed as she breathe so calmly. Like a beautiful painting.

"You always say you can't make it..." Mas lumapit pa ako at isang hagod ang idinampi sa kan'yang noo. I found myself sighing, my heavy breath is as clear as sonic waves from the deafening silence in the four cornered room.

"When I am doing my all to make myself believe I am not losing you." I bit my lower lip, my eyes settled on every single detail of this woman who made me so damn weird the past years. "Hindi kita kayang pakawalan, Quin. I can't let go... I can't lose you," I said in a pleading voice.

Kung andito siguro ang anghel o kaya ay si Kamatayan mismo, balak nang kunin si Quin kahit anong segundo... I would never think twice of bargaining anything. I will gamble. I will damn do everything to make it easy for Quin aside from death.