2. A Definitive (Poetry)

-Fifty Eight-

Guilt Tipped Tongue: 

Guilt dripping from the pores I cleaned 

Venom leaking out of the thought of my own sin

Guilty as the hell I threw myself in. 

You said I was the last girlfriend you'd had,

Whatever that means in terms of me 

And here I was all this time, pretending that I could see

Others standing right in front of a dream

Like touching skin on skin would fix me

When this entire time I've never felt whole.

Pushing myself underneath others as if I feel anything at all

In actuality I've felt nothing but delusional from a life I never did lead

Always left wondering what could have been, but never made me free.

And now I've found, once again, I'm back at the start

Healing from new trauma led from an old past

I've said it before and I'll say it again

If I can't have you then I'd rather just rest

In the simplicity of solitude, don't touch me I'll break your hands

No longer squeezing myself to fit the pieces of others I never could fit. 

Comfortably numb in the effort of healing, left alone in an effort of grieving 

Wondering what would happen, what could, what won't.

I won't feel again, because it simply just won't be that stroke

Of luck I landed on at sixteen.

Solitude in my confinement watching others love around me. 

I'm aware of this thing I've made me out to be

But tranquility in my effort to be alone has made peace

I will not look for another to satisfy me

Because I am whole in the knowing that the only one who ever did love me

Undressed and bleeding out, is living a different life that doesn't let me be

A part of it. Not in its entirety anyway

And I've come to terms with being fine with having no say

In the way fate plays its games or the way the universe torn me anew.

What I would give for you to fucking come back is beyond comprehension 

But what I want isn't the same as having mentioned

Your own life in stark contrast to mine

All I wanted was some peace of mind.

Alone in my solitude, I stand before this path once more

Determined to stay on it for my own happiness I implore

I've said it before, I'll say it again. 

~J.K.M.