He's My Secret (edited-ish)

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"Life has ups and downs and random turns, but it's all for a reason." He continued

"Everyone in here today is here for a reason. Everyone who we've lost and gained is for a reason."
I could literally feel the colour from my face draining, all these words were reminding me of my sisters' goodbye ceremony.

This all seemed so similar to a memory that was fresh yet so distant in my mind.

I sat up straighter than I was and swallowed as he continued to preach.

I can't do this, my mind started to scream. Everything the pastor was saying seemed to have so much in common to the words that were said at Anellea's goodbye ceremony.

My eyes grew wide and my face slightly turned into a frown.

"Manda?," I heard Terrance say my name but it sounded so distant like he was really far away and not right beside me.

Her smiling face flashed in my mind and for the first, in a really really long time, I felt like I was going to cry.

These tears weren't going to be tears of anger but of pure sadness.

It was slowly getting difficult for me to breath.

"Manda." I heard Terrance called my name again it still sounds like he was far away.

I slowly turn my head in his direction and was met with concerned eyes.

"I'm sorry," I said to him as I stood up and quickly walked towards the church doors as I tried to regain my composure.

I missed her, I truly did.

I didn't think about where I was going, I didn't even know where I was going, I just walked, I quickly walked.

I felt frazzled, I felt hot, I felt hurt, I felt lost, I felt confused I felt so many things all at once.

"Manda!!" I heard my name and footsteps hitting the ground as it becomes louder by the seconds.

I was already almost at the end of the church parking lot.

"Amanda wait." I heard Terrance yell a lot closer now but he was still trying to keep up with me.

"I can't." I manage to say

"Then tell me what's wrong." He said back to me as he kept on keeping up with my fast paste.

"What did I do wrong?." He asked when it was obvious I wasn't going to reply to his demand.

"You didn't do anything wrong," I finally stopped and say, I can't believe he was blaming himself.

I...I ... I just, you wouldn't understand." I said calmly as I turned to him then back around.
I was going to walk off again when he spoke.

"It's about her isn't it." He said causing me not to move nor did I say anything, or turn around to face him again.

"You've got that same look on your face when you first told me about her and you had it on yesterday when you referred to her, that same look you had a moment ago." He told me but I still didn't say anything.

"You said that you forget the bad things in your life, did you not?. But maybe it's time for you to accept them."

He walked around and stood in front of me. His breathing was already almost steady once more.

"I see the way you look at me when you think of her. It's like you want to push everything around you away, especially me." He said as he stepped closer to me.

"You don't have to do that." He continued calmly.

"You know nothing about me," I replied as I stepped back from him.

"But I know enough, it's so obvious Manda and you can't keep acting as if nothing is wrong."
He stated,

"Just watch me," I responded before I walked around him, how dear he acts as if I was an open book.

For some reason, It upsets me in a way, but I knew that was the way of channelling my sadness.

I was walking away again causing him to run after me once more.

He ran in front of me and suddenly grips me and dragged me in by the waist onto him then placed his lips on mine. It all happened so fast.

For a moment I was frozen with wide eyes and stiff muscles but as soon as I came to my senses, the ones he had suddenly decided to rob me if I pushed him away.

He suddenly grabbed one of my hands and placed it firmly on his chest. I tried to pull it away from him but I couldn't he was too strong.

What was he doing?

"Do you feel that ?." He questioned causing me to calm down a bit and did indeed felt his heartbeat, it was beating so fast.

"This is real, I am real." He said as I finally got to snatch away my hand.

"I know how you feel." He said causing me to glare at him a bit.

"No, you don't." I stated defensively
"what are you a physiologist?." I slightly snapped.

His little feel my heartbeat show made my heart melt a bit but I couldn't just ignore why I was upset in the first place. I won't just push old feelings away and replace them with new ones.

"No, but I was once like you, I'm probably the only one who sees that somethings up with you ." He told me causing me to close my eyes and hold the side of my head with my hand then placed it back at my side.

I looked up at him and tilted my head then exhaled.

Why won't he just leave me, he's gonna leave one way or the other so why not now before I get fully attached to him.

Everyone leaves eventually after all and I rather it be me pushing them away than them leaving me when I'm venerable.

"I'm not broken, Terrance," I said sounding frustrated but a lot calmer than before.

"I didn't say you were." He replied.

"I'm just tired of things fading, leaving or disappearing around me," I replied

"I get that but don't try to push me away because of things you are tired of feeling."

"I've never tried to push you away I just wanted a little space to clear my head at times ." I lied, but in my case, this wasn't a little white lie.

I've said that to so many people and it felt that way, it always felt like just a little white lie but now, this time it felt way bigger than that.

"Just know that I'll never leave, at least not willingly." He said and I could only think of how my father must have said those words to my mother a hundred times before.

XoXo

Amanda is going thew a stage / faze where one bad thing happens to her and it triggers so many other past memories and feelings that we're never dealt with, plus it triggers fears, similar things that might or could happen in the future to her.

Thank you all so so much.

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