Calums POV
I stand there again in my bathroom, with a blade balanced on the counter for the seventh time this past week.
This past week, i've been completely defeated.
The monsters sound a little louder this time, but then again, they've gotten a little louder every passing second for 7 days. and i'm so sick of trying to fight them, there's no hope that anything will make them go away anymore.
Denna was the only one strong enough to fight my battles and still live with a beautiful smile, the smile I fell in love with.
She's gone, and I know that i'm at my weakest.
How much weaker than this does it actually get?
I don't think it's even possible to get lower than the point that a girlfriend of two weeks has died and all you can think is 'I loved her. I hate myself. It's my fault.'
"Here we are again I guess." I whisper to the crimson red of blood coated silver piece of metal
Being a Saturday night, my parents were somewhere out and about around in nearby restaurants on their shitty little weekly dates, apparently supposing it'll 'make their love go on forever', making me feel even worse than I have the past seven days.
Love may go on forever, but it's different when one of them is dead, and I never had the guts to tell her that I love her.
The boys haven't seen me since they dropped me off at this shitty little block of bricks that i'm supposed to consider a home.
Nothing is home.
Home is where you feel happy.
Home is where I am when i'm with Denna.
i don't have a home anymore, all I have is a house that makes me feel like i'm dying, because i'll never be there with the one who meant the most ever again.
I've missed band rehearsals, and the boys understand, they told me that it's normal to feel this way.
But is it really normal to feel like every wall is slowly but surely caving in on you and being 100% okay with it because you'd rather be crushed to death than keep living on without someone?
They keep on calling, texting, and coming over to check that i'm doing alright.
i tell them that i'm done fine, but they know i'm lying, because i'm not fine at all.
I'm never going to be fine.
I haven't felt fine in so long, and now I know I never will again.
I also haven't gone to school.
What's the point of going somewhere where all I am is judged, and it makes it even worse that there's no Denna to make it feel a little bit better, because i don't think i'm going to learn anything in this shitty state.
All i can focus on is her.
Her.
Shes gone.
Reality hits like a brick for the millionth time, and it hits harder than it had before .
Shes actually gone.
I drop to the ground and feel like i'm melting onto the floor, knowing i'm not, but knowing i'd much rather feel like that, than feel like this.
i sob, not like it's not what i've been doing the past 7 days.
7 days.
168 hours.
10080 minutes.
604800 seconds.
Damn it.
I can't handle the pressure anymore.
I crack under pressure.
I know it. My parents know it. The boys know it.
Denna knows it.
Denna.
Denna was perfect.
His smile made anytime the best time, and god, do I need her smile right now. I need her right now, wholly, entirely, her.
I know this is it, this is my cracking point.
A million thoughts race through my mind at once.
This is my cracking point, and that's all I really know for sure.
How do I crack without doing something immensely stupid?
i laugh for a moment, with tears flowing down like a river through my eyes.
I've already been doing something horrible and as bad as it makes me feel, it feels pretty damn good.
Not that I lost her, but that I figured out how to feel that pain physically and not just emotionally.
Hold up, am I seriously saying that cutting equals the pain I feel emotionally?
I meant to say that it's a fraction at the least. It's something to get my mind off her for a second until I re-remember everything that happened and she's actually gone.
She won't be there to bandage my cut up arm and she won't be there to kiss me until it all feels better and tell me she cares.
She's gone.
Cutting does not compare.
Nothing compares.
I need something that compares.
If nothing compares, I just guess I'll need to be nothing.
The only possible source of becoming nothingness, is to lose the fact that you are something.
In simpler words that make more sense to my own mind in this state, I know, that the only possible way to feel better, is to not feel at all.
Is to not be at all.
Is to be dead.
I quickly and stupidly confirm it to myself.
This is it.
i'm going to kill myself.
"I'm sorry." I whisper to the no one there.
I think of the fastest and easiest way.
The only thought that forms, is the Sydney Harbour Bridge.
And within 30 minutes, I find myself standing along the edge.
My toes hanging just over the side of the bridge, i pull my phone out my pocket, take a picture of my feet, and send it to Ashton, saying You know how I asked what you would do if I died?
This is my last hope.
This is the last reason I wouldn't jump.
Ashton.
He replies instantly.
Calum... where are you? Please don't do anything... I don't know what I would do if you died.
That's not enough, he'd live, he'd be fine without me.
And he's the next most important person in my life.
So I reply.
If you don't know... Let me go.
And I jump.
