Save Me | Markhyuck ✔️

𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚃𝚠𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚢-𝚃𝚠𝚘

November 14th 2019

Dear diary,

I told Mark today. I think he took it rather well. I hope things don't change between us. I like them the way they are now. He didn't expect me to talk about everything to him so that was a relief. I wanted to tell him, I really did. But, I don't know. I just... Can't.

I think I ruined mine and Jaemin's friendship. He asked me if I was still suicidal and I just shut him out. I feel horrible. He is my best friend. And he has been for a long time. He even helped me through things a few times. And yet, I can't help myself by talking to him.

Yesterday and today haven't been the best of days anyway. My face has been all puffy for the past week and I can't seem to get my hair under control. I look like a freak. I can't help but wonder why all these people let me hang out with them. I wouldn't want to if I were them.

The worst part is, that even when I'm surrounded by all these people, I still feel just as lonely as ever. It doesn't matter how many people are in the room, I always feel alone.

Recently, I have found comfort in one person. Mark has been there for me since the day we met. I don't know why, but there is something about him that makes me feel so comfortable. Like, a little while when I stayed at his place and the storm broke out, he was so quick to help me and comfort me.

I told him that I was suicidal today. The worst part is that I feel bad for telling him. Mostly because it means that he has to put up with that as much as I do but also because I didn't give him any details at all. Am I a bad friend? It's not that I didn't want to tell him as I already said.

He helped me get my friends back. They all seemed so happy to see me, but I reckon its just a show. There's no way anyone would be that happy to see me. Jisung was probably crying because he has to put up with me again. Sometimes I think that even Jaemin is fake. He probably leads the whole act.

The only person I don't constantly feel is pretending to like me is Mark. But knowing my luck it will turn out that he is the only one who is. I hate the way these thoughts are constantly in control.

They are defiantly coming back though. The bad thoughts. Little by little. They make my life a living hell. If I wasn't living with Mark I would take the blade to my wrist to relief them a little. Instead, they just build up. Higher and Higher. Until there is no support to hold them up anymore so they all come crashing down, taking me with them.

My anxiety is still hanging around. Large groups of people. New things to try. All of it's still there. My depression too. None of it helps when I overthink everything aswell. Combine it all together and I'm just destined to die alone.

I wonder how Doyoung is doing? I miss him. A lot. I wish I could have stood up for myself and either just have accepted the blame or even tried to convince him otherwise. But no. Instead, I just sat there as he shouted at me while he packed all his things and walked out the door.

I hope he is doing well. He deserves to be happy. He was the best brother until mom and dad left us. But he was hurt. I don't blame him for any of the things that happened. It's not anyone's fault really. Pain is pain and we all have to find a way to cope with that. Sometimes it hurts others but there is nothing we can do but hope that we don't.

Things haven't really changed recently. They haven't gotten any worse but they haven't gotten too much better either.

Since Mark arrived, things have been pretty neutral. At first, I thought he was a nice person to have as a friend. But now that Jaemin is back, I realised I feel differently about Mark. At the moment I'm not entirely sure though so I'm just going to ignore it and hope that the feeling goes away. I don't want him to get hurt. I don't want to hurt him. Especially not because I'm confused and just so happened to be the one to do that to me.

I'll talk again soon. Sorry, it's been a few days, but 생각 (thoughts) has been my main culprit of writing recently. He looks a mess but that's what happens when you're my thought relief book. You're lucky really, you get my slightly more pleasant writing.

Okay, well, I'm going to go to sleep now. Not sure what I'm doing tomorrow because it's a Sunday but I will probably spend time with Mark so it's all okay.

Bye bye,
𝓗𝔂𝓾𝓬𝓴𝓲𝓮 ☀️

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