Save Me | Markhyuck ✔️

𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚃𝚠𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚢-𝚃𝚑𝚛𝚎𝚎

14/11/2019

Long-time no see,

So diary, it's been a while but I have had a lot on my mind recently and thought that maybe this would be the best way forward.

I met a boy a few weeks ago. His name is Donghyuck. But for the sake of my voice and my wrist today I call him Hyuck.

We met when I was on my way to do what I told you about last time. I bumped into him when I wasn't paying attention. We both fell into the puddles so he offered to go grab hot drinks to keep warm. He's really sweet and so we talked.

It was weird because I normally don't do new people, but with Hyuck, things were different. From the first second our eyes met, I felt comfortable.

After that day, I got his number. I messaged him the day after. I'm so glad I didn't seem clingy or desperate. But we decided to hang out because I had already ditched school and Hyuck didn't want to be there.

OH, CRAZY THING! We didn't even know we went to the same school. 3 years of being there and we had never seen each other at school.

Okay, well since then we spoke a lot. He would sit with me at lunch and we would hang out after school.

One night, Hyuck came to my place and ended up staying the night. It was a good job he was at my place because a thunderstorm broke out and it turns out he is terrified of them. Since he was in the car crash he can't stand them. So if he was at his place he would have had to suffer alone.

When I saw him shivering under the blankets, I couldn't help but feel an urge to help and protect him. After a few minutes, I came up with the idea to let him borrow my earplugs. As soon as the music blurred out the thunder and he had closed his eyes to block out the flashes of lightning, he was fine.

It was adorable really. He is so precious. But anyway. Since then we have moved in together. Big steps I know, but we were both living alone and the apartment above his was empty and have two rooms so we decided, because it was cheaper, why not do it?

He is currently asleep in the next room. I'm glad he agreed to move in together. I'm glad he was the reason I didn't do it that day. Since I met him, things have mostly turned sunny side up.

A few days after Hyuck had stopped me, Jeno came back. He said football season was over so he had more time. I had my best friend back.

Jeno had made some new friends and they are so cool. They are really nice and super funny. They were really inviting. The funniest thing is that it turned out, they were Hyuck's old group of friends. They had all drifted from Hyuck after the car crash and he shut himself out.

A few days after meeting them, Jaemin told me something that would have taken forever for me to realise. He told me Hyuck was suicidal. The thoughts that went through my mind when he told me.

I couldn't help but feel that maybe, we were destined to meet each other. He saved me from death, maybe I should do the same for him.

A few weeks passed and I saw what they meant, apparently, they couldn't physically see he was suicidal, but I could. The way he goes quiet after certain things are said or done. The way he always has at least a little bit of makeup on. The way that sometimes he just seems sad when there hasn't been anything to trigger it.

Maybe it was easier for me to be able to tell because I'm suicidal as well, but I feel bad for him. He seems so happy and bubbly, I can't imagine what he would be like without his depression, anxiety, self-consciousness, overthinking of everything. He could be so happy. But his mind won't let him.

Obviously, I'm not supposed to know these things. He only told me himself that he was suicidal today. For some reason when he said it, it hit harder. Like it was actually real. It wasn't just a think his friends and my mind had made up.

He didn't want to talk about it though, and it hurt a little at first. But after that, I realised that I have never told anyone that I'm suicidal.

But maybe it's time to change that. But perhaps not. If Hyuck knew I was suicidal, because of the way he thinks, maybe it will just make him worse. For now, I want to help him get better. Show him the good side of life. Show him how much people live him.

Maybe I can figure out if I really do love him. And if I do, I will show him.

I'm sure I like him. I think I like him as more than a friend. But I'm not entirely sure about this feeling of love that is slowly creeping in.

I'm sure ill figure it out soon enough. I mean. Can you really blame me for falling for the boy? At first, I was confused by my sexuality, but the more time I spend with him, the more sure I become.

He is so beautiful and its a shame he doesn't see it.

He is so funny but it's a shame he doesn't see it.

He is so loved but it's a shame he doesn't see it.

Maybe I need to help him see the world in another way. A more happy way. A way that he deserves

I want to be able to, but maybe I can't. My bad thoughts are slowly fighting their way in. I keep trying to hold them out, but one by one they are slowly slipping in. I'm trying to fight them away so I can help Hyuck but the more there are, the harder it is to not focus on them.

The worst thing is that, when they all get in, I'm scared someone is going to get hurt. Hyuck is someone. He is someone special. And I don't want to lose that because of some stupid thoughts and words.

Maybe I should start songwriting again. It's helped before so what's stopping it now. I'll give it a go. I'll let you know how it goes.

Goodnight now,

𝑴𝒂𝒓𝒌 𝑳𝒆𝒆