Save Me | Markhyuck ✔️

𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚃𝚑𝚒𝚛𝚝𝚢 𝚃𝚑𝚛𝚎𝚎

November 17th, 2019

Dear Diary,

Why does it hurt so much? There isn't anything to be hurt over. But those words, they sting every time they play through my mind. He said he doesn't like me. He said that he only sticks around because I'm suicidal. I wish I had never told him. Why am I so stupid?!

But his eyes, his heart, his words. They were all so inviting. I thought he cared about me, but he lied. He never liked me. Why am I such a fool?!

I thought he cared but he doesn't. I feel mean for shutting him out. It hurts. But it doesn't hurt any more than the pain that is now stuck with me. The pain of that one person I thought cared about me having lied. The pain of having to hear the truth from his lips but the truth not meant to be heard by me. Why am I such an idiot?!

When I first head him, I was so happy. I felt so relieved that I could talk to him, that I could have his touch replace the ones from Yangyang. Why am I so gullible?!

Yangyang. I thought he was a friend. But after today, I'm not so sure. If he was really a friend why would he have done that? Even if he simply helped me up, it would have been that much easier to forgive him. But no. He had to run away and leave me on the cold hard ground, the marks he had left on me staining my skin this purplish-blue colour. Why am I so naive?!

I feel hurt. In more ways than one. All I want is for the pain to leave me alone. Even for a day. A day without having to overthink everything. A day without having to think about how hideous I look every day. A day without these thoughts creeping in and changing my mood in seconds. A day of feeling weightless. Why am I so vapid?!

Me and Jaemin used to dream of being weightless. Being able to fly. To fly far away from everything and everyone that tried to weigh us down. I guess I was too slow. I will never be weightless now. All these thoughts keep building up, it's almost as if I'm carrying the weight of the world. And no one can be weightless with that. Why am I so futile?!

I miss my old life. I miss mum. I miss dad. But most of all I miss Doyoung. The thought that he is still out there and choosing to leave me. I bet mum and dad were happy to leave this world. I wish I could leave. I wish I could join them. Maybe then I could be weightless. Maybe then the pain would go away. Why am I so inept?!

I wonder how Doyoung is doing. I bet he'd be happy to hear that I wasn't here anymore. I hope he's okay, maybe that good news would make his day better. Knowing that his bratty, selfish, self-centred brother had finally left this world. Left him in peace. He always used to ask for some peace. Why am I so glaikit?!

We used to be so close. I could go to him for anything. We would spend days hidden away, just the two of us. He always looked at the world in a different way than I did. He was so careless, yet cautious at the same time. He was so positive, yet he didn't try to turn the negative into that. He just found another point to look at. I love that about him. The way he could always find the bright side of any situation without twisting it completely. Why am I so vacuous?!

I wish I could live in the past. When I used to be u bothered by everything. When I used to feel on top of the world, like nothing could get in my way. When I didn't care how I looked as long as I was comfortable. When I didn't care where I was, who I was with or what would happen in the future. When I still had everyone I love around me. When I hadn't met Mark. When I wasn't always in pain whether it's physically, emotionally or mentally. When every day was worth living. Why am I so dense?!

I'm sorry for rambling, but it hurts so much. This pain that just keeps nagging me. I wish I could feel weightless. Maybe I can again. Maybe one day.

Bye bye,
𝓗𝔂𝓾𝓬𝓴𝓲𝓮 ☀️