My Fat Ass Self a Park Jimin ff/smut 18+

Chapter 18

Trigger warnings:
Abuse
Self harm
Bullying
Self hate
Drugs
Alcohol addiction
Brief mention of sexual abuse/rape (I will not go into detail, it's just mentioned that it happened And the aftermath) 
Suicidal thoughts 
If you're not comfortable hearing about these things I suggest skipping this chapter. 
This will be a long chapter. 
Some of this is from personal experience, some of it is things I witnessed people go through, some of this is stuff random people have to live with on a daily basis. 
Like I have said before, you're not alone. If you need someone, message me. 

I started picking at the skin around my fingernails and fidgeting with the sleeves of Jimin's PARK hoodie I was wearing while Yoongi just stared at me. 
"I'm glad you agreed to see me, Jimin said you haven't seen a psychiatrist in a while"
"Yeah..thanks for making time to see me"
"Anytime" he smiled "so, where would you like to begin? I've been over your charts, but I want everything in your own words, whatever you're comfortable sharing with me" 
"This is fucking awkward" I sighed out loud "you're Jimin's best friend.. I haven't told him everything yet..isn't it a bit weird you'll know all this shit about me?"
"I do a good job separating my work and my personal life. You're my patient, Sarah Anderson. Not my friend, or best friend's girlfriend Sarah Davison. I'm not your friend, Yoongi, I'm doctor Min" 
"Okay" I scratched my head and started pulling at my hair. 
"You don't have to be so nervous Sarah, just breathe" 
"Well.. I guess I should just.. I don't fuckin know. Tell you everything?" I shrugged and shifted in my seat. 
"No pressure" he assured me as he sat back in his chair holding his pen and paper.
"Growing up..did your parents ever tell you they were proud of you? Did they support you?" I asked
"They did" 
"Mine didn't. Just the opposite. My mom was a single mom, she had my older sister, met my dad, had me..and things were good. Well, I thought they were anyway. I tried really hard in school, hell..almost too hard. I always made honor roll, but my sister always made straight A's so she always got the praise, she was skinny so she got the better clothes and the most compliments, she was babied while I was treated like Cinderella. I thought it was normal. If I didn't clean something or clean it 'wrong' my mother would yell and scream, sometimes even hitting me for my mistakes. I was miserable beyond belief. And then, I would go to school only to be bullied by the kids there. for my weight, for being the teachers pet, for my clothes. My parents bought me cheaper clothing because I was overweight and outgrew my clothes constantly so it was one more thing for the kids to make fun of me for. I started to really really hate myself by the time I was 12. My dad loved me and always tried to help me but once I started lashing out I took out a lot of shit on my dad, I always regretted it immediately after and I always felt bad..but I couldn't help myself, I would have screaming matches with my parents, my sister, my teachers, I started fighting in school, started drinking before I turned 14, started cutting at 14, started popping pills at 15.. I would save my lunch money to get my hands on whatever I could. I started hanging out with this old guy by the liquor store and I would...do things with him to buy me booze or pills. I just needed something to cure the ache, anything to fill the void. I started sleeping around, men, women..it didn't matter. I thought 'well I can't be that ugly and fat if so many people are willing to fuck me' my parents found out about everything, my mom beat me so bad and my father just watched it happen. I was 18 at that point. The fact that my father let her do that to me made me snap, I tried to kill myself but I woke up three days later in the hospital. They didn't keep me though. I left..went and got high as fuck and drunk. I was raped that night.. I tried to fight him off. His friends dropped me off outside of town, when I came to I had to walk ten miles to a hospital, they called the police, did a rape kit, and all that jazz. But even with all of the evidence, my parents didn't believe me, in their words 'who would rape the fat girl that's fucked up and gives it to everyone anyway'" I let out a dry laugh before making eye contact with Yoongi. "When I found out there was no DNA evidence, and booking the guy would be impossible… I stole a few thousand dollars from my dad's bank account and left. I changed my last name to Anderson, and I go by Davison..neither of which are my original last name. I don't want to be found. When I came here I was homeless, and barely knew any Korean but an old woman I met in a laundromat I would sleep at was kind enough to take me in and help me get on my feet, when she got sick she put everything in my name, and I took care of her. She died in her sleep two years ago, I've had her house ever since, and I try to make her proud. I try to be the woman she saw in me" at this point I was crying, worse than ugly crying. "I just never understood why I was never good enough, I try so hard to control my mood swings, sometimes it's so bad I just want to beat the fuck out of someone for no reason, they'll just be sitting there breathing and their whole existence bothers me. Sometimes my anxiety is so bad I feel physically ill. I've gotten better at trying to think logically more than emotionally but it doesn't always work, I've gotten better at knowing my triggers, and I've gotten better at pushing through everything" he handed me a tissue and I blew my nose and cleaned my face before I continued "but it's not enough. I'm still a fucking wreck, I count down the days before Jimin realizes how fucked up I am and leaves me. You know, when I had that episode and locked myself in my room for a few days I thought he was fucking some girl in his office..and the only reason he came to see me was because he felt guilty. Who the fuck even does that? The man does nothing but love me and help me but I can't stop thinking that this whole thing is a fucking joke. People did this to me in highschool..asking me out as a prank or a joke..fucking me and bragging about fucking the fat girl because she was desperate.. I haven't cut or taken drugs since I moved here but some days I just want to so bad it makes me fucking sick. I don't want to die anymore. I'm not suicidal, but I do have days where I'm like 'I'm not gonna throw myself into traffic but if I got hit by a bus I wouldn't mind' and I know that's almost as bad. But I consider it a win. Fuck. I'm just so tired all of the time, mentally and physically for no reason and no one gets that. It's not that I want to lay in my bed for days at a time..or not leave my house. It's just.. I feel like I can't. It's a struggle to get up everyday, it's a struggle to spend time with people even if I want to be near them all day everyday, it's a struggle to look in the mirror everyday..and no one gets it. They just fight with me or get mad at me or call me lazy. Like what the fuck do they not understand? If it were the flu they'd tell me to rest..but it's my brain and suddenly it's not that big of a deal?" I made eye contact with Yoongi, he didn't seem phased by anything I was saying to him which made me feel better. "I'm sorry for getting emotional...and for practically yelling at you..its just..its a lot" 
"You don't have to apologize to me" he chuckled "and I understand completely" he nodded and again handed me a tissue. 
"Is there anything else?" He asked
I shook my head "not really.. that's basically the gist of it" 
"Okay" he cleared his throat and leaned forward in his seat "do you understand what your diagnosis is?"
"Kind of" I shrugged 
"Well..when you were younger you were diagnosed with Bipolar, Major depressive disorder, and anxiety with 'severe psychotic tendencies' which, to them would've explained the self harm. However, self harm and Bipolar don't commonly go hand in hand, but at that time it was the biggest term that acted like an umbrella for a bunch of disorders rolled into each other, they'd just assume calling it Bipolar. And then, you moved, saw a psychiatrist and got a new diagnosis..Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, and anxiety. They all go hand in hand. BPD is usually caused by trauma caused in childhood, which I'm assuming would've been from the way you were treated by the people around you.. the PTSD is obvious, you were having episodes, and nightmares from the sexual assault, and the anxiety of course. Now, BPD is defined in textbooks as 'A mental disorder characterized by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships' you tend to go from one extreme to the next as far as your moods and feelings. You get attached and detached from things, feelings, people..a lot faster than most people. There's different symptoms of BPD that we use to come to a diagnosis on BPD, can I go through each one and ask you if you feel they relate to you?" 
"Sure" I shrugged as I pulled at my sleeves again. I fucking hate this shit so much. Why can't I just be normal? 
"First one, An intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection" 
"Definitely. I'm always scared I'm going to end up alone..which terrifies the fuck out of me. When I was a teenager.. I fell down my basement steps so my father would have to take me to the hospital because I thought he was leaving the family" God I was so fucking stupid. 
He nodded and wrote it down. 
"Second, A pattern of unstable and intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn't care enough or is cruel" 
"Absolutely..as soon as they've done or said something I think is remotely off.. I leave." I shook my head
"Third, Rapid changes in self-identity and self-image that include shifting goals and values, and seeing yourself as bad or as if you don't exist at all" 
"I've never felt like I've never existed.. but I have often changed my wardrobe, hair, personality.. to either fit whatever I thought someone wanted me to be.. or if I became obsessed with an actor/actress..or even musical artists. I can be whatever anyone wants me to be. I have no sense of who I am on my own. It's something I've gotten better with as I grew up..but I still have no idea what's Sarah..and what's the Sarah I try to be. I also think I'm a huge failure, a piece of shit, and a waste of fucking skin. I hate myself with my entire heart..and I have no idea why either " 
He nodded at my words writing my response 
"Fourth, Periods of stress-related paranoia and loss of contact with reality, lasting from a few minutes to a few hours" 
"The paranoia..absolutely. All the fucking time. Especially when there's a lot of strangers around" 
"Fifth, Impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship"
"All of it. It's disgusting" I picked the skin on my nails again, and started chewing on them. "I'm honestly terrified I'm going to do that with Jimin" 
"I don't think you will honestly, you seem to have a good hold on yourself to be honest. You seem to know the difference between the BPD talking and yourself" 
I nodded at his words 
"Sixth, Suicidal threats or behavior or self-injury, often in response to fear of separation or rejection"
"Yup. All of it" I nodded 
"Seventh, Wide mood swings lasting from a few hours to a few days, which can include intense happiness, irritability, shame or anxiety"
"All the fucking time" I scoffed and bit my skin again 
"Eighth, Ongoing feelings of emptiness"
I chuckled at that one. Emptiness. 
"All the time" I smiled 
"Ninth and final one to discuss, Inappropriate, intense anger, such as frequently losing your temper, being sarcastic or bitter, or having physical fights"
"I want to hit people just for breathing. No other reason at all. Just their existence."
He nodded "well.. you definitely fit every symptom that's for sure. I hate to say it but I agree with your previous doctor that you have BPD. I was also looking over your medication list. Do these help you?"
"Ehh yes and no. I know there isn't much medication available for BPD since there's still so much unknown about it. But I guess I have more good days than bad days."
"Would you be interested in trying a new one?" 
"Doc, I'm willing to do anything at this point even if it means selling my fucking kidney" 
We both laughed 
"Okay Sarah" he clicked the keys on his keyboard a few times "I sent a script to your pharmacy, it should help but it's going to take a few weeks, so what we're going to do is taper you off of the medication you're on now, and then start the new one."
"Sounds good.. I'm going to be a wreck though aren't I?" 
"It's a possibility" he nodded
"Okay.. well thanks again Yoongi, I appreciate it" 
"Anytime. I want to see you every two weeks if that's okay? And if you feel like you need more or less you can always call me" 
"Oh, okay yeah..we can do that" 
"Awesome. Enjoy your day Sarah" he smiled and waved as I left the office, I sat with his receptionist and scheduled my next appointment and paid the five dollars I owed him which made her laugh, apparently that's the lowest payment she's ever seen. I went outside and shook my head.. I would kill for a cigarette right about now. I pulled out my phone and read a text from Jimin saying he would be an hour late to pick me up because he was stuck in the office. I decided since I had some stress to work out I would just walk to his office, I'll sit there until he's ready to go..it only takes fifteen minutes to walk there anyway. 
When I approached the building I realized how fucking huge it is, I've seen it from the window of the car but I've never actually been inside or stood out in front of the doors before. Its intimidating. It stands a lot taller than its neighboring buildings and it's so shiny I swear it would blind someone on a sunny day. I exhaled and walked in the doors, I approached the receptionist that was sitting at the desk. She looked like a cheap hooker...way too heavy on the make up, fuck me red lipstick, and her titties were about to fall on to her desk. Who dresses like that for work? 
"Can I help you?" She asked raising a brow at me
"Uh yeah, I'm here to see Park Jimin"
"Appointment?"
"No, I'm his girlfriend and I figured I'd wait for him"
She laughed. She started laughing so loud people were looking at us. I wanted to rip her ugly fucking face off and stuff it down her throat. 
"You're his girlfriend?" She asked as she pointed at me
"Yes. Sarah Davison. I'm on his list for allowed visitors without appointments"
"yeah fucking right!" She yelled as she laughed even harder "you mean to tell me you think you're his girlfriend? Aww did he fuck you out of pity and you caught feelings?" She giggled "you can leave now fat ass..he has no interest in seeing you" she snorted 
"Excuse me? Who the fu-"
"You're fired. Pack your shit and leave. NOW" I jumped at the loud voice, I turned to see Jungkook looking like he was going to snap her neck. 
"What? Mr Jeon, this crazy fan thinks she's Mr Park's girlfriend.. I was simply putting her in her place" 
"And you need to be put in yours. First, she is his girlfriend. Second, even if she wasn't you have no right disrespecting people like that, third I said you're fired. I will get security" he wrapped his arm around my waist and held me so close to him I could feel how fast his pulse was. He was livid, his body heat was going to make me sweat. 
"B-but sir.. I work for Mr Park..can you even legally fire me?" She pouted and smirked at him, he laughed and pulled out his phone, he clicked Jimin's name and put it on speaker
"Hey kookie, what's up?" 
"Hey Jimin hyung.. quick question. Am I allowed to fire and hire people as I see fit?"
"Yeah..why?"
"Sarah is here and your receptionist was disrespectful towards her, mocking her, and denying her entrance to see you"
"Why the hell are you calling me then? Fire the bitch already" 
"Done. Thanks hyung" 
"Where is Sarah? Is she okay?"
"I have her" he squeezed me tighter "I'll bring her up in a minute" 
"Okay good" 
They ended the call and Jungkook looked at the receptionist with the most smug smile on his face "I'll say again. You're fired. Get the fuck out. Now. Oh, and apologize to Sarah, she deserves better than that" 
"No!" She stood up from her desk starting to cry "that's not fair!"
"Security!" Jungkook yelled as two security guards approached us "get her out now" 
"Yes Mr Jeon" they bowed and had to wrestle with the poor girl to get her out of the building. Jungkook looked down at me
"Are you okay babe?"
"Yeah, I'm alright. Can we go see Jimin now?"
"Absolutely, come with me" he ushered me towards the elevator, we got on and stood there in silence
"Thank you Jungkook.. for defending me and handling the situation" I hugged him tightly, he wrapped his arms around me putting his head on the top of mine 
"Of course, I love you, you're a great friend Sarah, and no one deserves to be talked to like that. I'm just glad you're okay" 
The elevator dinged and we stepped out, he kept his arm wrapped around me as we approached Jimin's office, some people were glancing at the two of us obviously confused.. I'm sure it didn't help I wore Jimin's PARK hoodie today either. He had giant windows on either side of his door so you could see his entire office, he had blinds that could be pulled down for privacy but I was so excited when I saw him sitting at his desk in his suit typing away on his laptop. Fuck I love this man. He looks soooooo god damn fucking hot in his suit behind the desk. He looked up and made eye contact with me through the glass smiling widely at me as Jungkook opened the office door 
"Hey hyung" Jungkook said as we entered 
"Hey my baby girl, how was your appointment?" He asked as he stood up completely ignoring Jungkook and walking over to me, he pulled me into a tight hug and kissed the top of my head 
"Wow.. I can't even get a fucking hello..and at first I thought you were calling me baby girl, not her. That was weird" Jungkook said as he laughed and shook his head, both Jimin and I lost it laughing super hard while we hugged. 
"Hello Jungkook-ah" Jimin finally said 
"Too late, I don't want it now. I'm leaving, goodbye baby girl" he said to Jimin as he winked and smacked my boyfriends ass making me laugh so hard I almost cried and had to pull away from Jimin who was so stunned he looked like his brain went into shut down mode. 
"Bye Sarah, see you later" he smiled and walked out shutting the door behind him. 
"Did...did he just.." he asked looking completely baffled
"Yup" I laughed 
"Okay..well" he scratched his head and cleared his throat "he's so fucking weird sometimes. Come sit down love and talk to me while I finish up. We'll be able to leave soon" he walked around and sat down in his chair in front of his laptop, I sat across from him on the other side of his desk
"How'd it go?"
"Not bad.. but I have a lot to tell you"
"Do you want to tell me now?" He asked without taking his eyes from his laptop 
"Are you sure now is a good time?"
"Yeah, I can listen and read at the same time" he looked at me and flashed me a smile melting my heart. 
"Okay.. well.. growing up did your parents ever tell you they were proud of you?" 
I went from there just like I did in Yoongi's office.