My Fat Ass Self a Park Jimin ff/smut 18+

Chapter 33

Trigger warning
Abuse
Self harm
Suicidal ideation 
Depression
Mention of sexual assault

The day after our embarrassing impromptu engagement party, I had an appointment with Yoongi. Jimin dropped me off at his office and went to the store to grab us some groceries, I walked in and the receptionist let me in
"Hey doc" I said as I sat down in the chair across from his desk
"Hey, how are you?"
"I'm tired honestly.. but other then that I'm okay" 
"Well that's good. How are the new medications holding up?"
"Well.. I haven't really been angry for no reason so I guess it's an upgrade. I'm not sure if its circumstantial or if it's actually the meds" 
"Either one works for me" he smiled 
"I've been trying to work on my anxiety a lot too..I'm trying not to panic over everything. I've been struggling with thinking like am I going to be a good mom? Am I going to fuck up my kid? Am I doing the right thing by keeping it? I didn't want to have kids yet.. I'm not ready for this but Jimin is over the moon about it and so excited and all of you guys are excited and I feel like me thinking anything other than positive is just going to bring everyone down or I'll sound selfish" 
"Sarah..it's your body. I know you want to make everyone happy but unfortunately or fortunately whichever way you want to look at it. This isn't one of those moments to be selfless. This is something only you have control over. If you don't want to go through with it then don't, you can't force yourself to accept a child" 
"I know..which tells me that somewhere inside of me wants this baby. I want to see Jimin holding our baby giving it one of those smiles that makes my heart stop, I want to see him teaching it how to roll over, crawl, walk, talk… I look forward to all of that" I smiled 
"Well then you have your answer. No one is ever ready to be a parent, even when it's planned. And no parent is ever confident in their parenting, hell you'll question that for the rest of your life. But I honestly as your doctor and as your friend believe without a doubt you'll be an amazing mother. People think you don't become good parents until after the kid pops out and you start raising it but that's not true. It starts while it's growing.You changed your meds, you take your vitamins, you've cut down on coffee, you haven't dyed your hair, you don't eat the foods that the baby disagrees with, you're more cautious in your actions, and whether you realize it or not you rub your belly an awful lot almost as if you're comforting it" he chuckled "you're already doing a good job being a mom Sarah, you just need to stop doubting yourself so much" 
I had a few tears gathering in my eyes as he spoke, a few of them slipped out while I smiled at him
"Thank you Yoongi..seriously. I really appreciate you" 
"No need to thank me, I'm only speaking the truth" 
"I should start paying you more than five dollars a session" I chuckled and wiped my tears making him laugh 
"I would do this for free if you'd let me" 
"I know, which only makes me love and appreciate you more" I smiled 
"I love you too Sarah, and everything is going to be okay. I can promise you that" 

We talked for a bit more before my session was over, one of the things he brought up to me was my parents and my sister. I would be lying if I said I didn't think about calling them and letting them know what's going on in my life, I'm not sure if they'd be happy for me and want to be a part of my life again...or if they still hate me. Sometimes I still hate them for everything they've put me through, and sometimes I feel like my BPD has exaggerated some of my memories. One thing is for sure though, it never exaggerated the awful things they said to me, and it never exaggerated how many times my mother laid her hands on me. I will never ever put myself in their shoes, or make the same mistakes with our kids. Ever. How can you hurt someone so much that you're supposed to love and protect? I just don't get it. I never will. Jimin picked me up outside of Yoongi's office, I was quiet as I got in
"How did the appointment go?"
"Pretty good" I answered and stared out the window trying to figure out what to do from here. 
"That's good" he glanced over and smiled at me but realized my mind was elsewhere "you okay baby?"
"I'm fine" I said shortly, I wasn't trying to be rude to him.. I just couldn't seem to get out of my head, I was rethinking different things that had happened between my parents and I. One time my mom shoved me into the wall and when I fell I broke a vase, she told me I could use the pieces to slit my wrists better. What a good mom. And I still loved her after that. 
"Sarah?"
"What?" I whined and huffed 
"What is wrong? You're clearly not okay and we've been sitting in the driveway for a few minutes now" 
"I said I'm fine. I don't want to talk about it" I got out of the car and grabbed some of the groceries he had bought before making my way into the house, I sat them down on the counter and walked into our bedroom and into the bathroom to take a shower, I put my playlist on through the bluetooth speaker and blasted my music as I turned the water on. I was so focused on just needing to take a shower and thinking about my past that I couldn't focus on anything else. I miss my dad… I miss my sister..she was the only one that tried to help me before things went too far south.. I even miss my mom..