If only you knew (Camren)

Chapter 8

Camila's POV
I walked out of the hotel room and I felt incredibly bad for keeping this secret of mine from Lauren, well all of the girls to be frank, but I just need to find the right time to tell them and I'm not ready yet. I took a slow walk to where I needed to be so I could clear my head and come up with something to say to Lauren when I get back. I need a good apology and a good excuse. I got to my destination and I already felt faint but I had to be brave.

Laruen's POV
I had completely lost interest in my book now and I couldn't get back into it so I got up from the sofa which I was sat on and went into the bedroom so I could be by myself. I couldn't help but think where Camila was going or what she was up to, but I guess we are all entitled to our own private lives and space so she doesn't need friends like me trying to keep that away from her.
I may not seem it to the girls or our fans but recently since I have accepted my feeling for Camila I have felt really down and I am always negative about everything, especially my relationship status and sexual orientation. I am always telling myself that I will end up being alone with no one in my life if I keep being the way I am. People say they think I am the 'intimidating' one but I really don't feel like it. Behind the cameras and off stage I am my own person, I keep things to myself before telling the girls. Of course I tell Camila first but the others don't know that because I tell her not to tell them. This time it was different, I couldn't go to Camila for advice and that sucked because she is the one I can open up to, and she knows how to get me to open up. I don't know how she does it but whatever she does makes me feel special. I keep thinking if I change my ways people will think of me differently, I don't really like being the intimidating one because I feel like people don't really like me and that feeling sucks. I wish I was more like the other girls, more carefree and likeable.
I was lost in my own thoughts and I didn't notice Dinah walking into the room which I was sat in. She came and laid down on the bed next to me, no one spoke for a little while but then she broke the comfortable silence.
"What's on your mind?" she asked softly "You don't have to tell me if you don't want, you just seem like you need to talk to someone" she quickly added.
"Do you know why Camila left earlier today? Without letting me go with her?" I asked her. "If I ever find out I will let you know, but no, I don't know" she answered. "I feel like she is keeping things from me you know" I admitted to the younger one looking straight at her.
"Not gonna lie Lauren, but you are keeping things from her too" she told me while raising an eyebrow, which made me realise that I can't really moan at the fact she has her own secrets. I sighed deeply and sat up. "I think I am going to tell her" I quickly said without hesitation
"Woah Lauren, slow down! You have only just told me are you sure that it's a good idea telling her?"
"I can't keep this from her forever, and I know I will do something stupid if I don't say anything and that something stupid might ruin everything." I told her
"I know this is your choice and that, but I would wait a little longer if I was you. You could be getting yourself into something that could take forever to get out of by telling her, especially if the feelings die off within a couple of weeks. I really don't want anything bad happening between you both because you are so close and it would really suck to see you distant. You need to think about Camila too, I mean like if she doesn't feel the same way she could feel really guilty about it, but if she does but won't admit it, in a couple weeks your feelings could be gone and she could easily still be hung up over you." She said with a worried tone in her voice. I know for a fact that she cares about both of our feelings and I am glad she does because I have to admit I have only really been thinking about my feelings recently and not how Camila would be affected by all of this.
"I guess you're right" I agreed. She pulled me into a hug because she could see I was getting emotional. After our hug had been broken she spoke again. "Tell you what, you don't have to if you don't want to, but tell me all the little things and big things you love about Camila and why you love her. It might make you feel a little better and if you do tell her then you have some ideas of what to say." She suggested
"Well, for a starters you are going to be here forever because the list is endless" I chucked to myself. She laughed with me "I don't care, you have all the time you want" she told me.
"Alright then, well she is beautiful and no one can deny that, the way her hair falls so naturally on her shoulders. Her chocolate brown eyes that are so easy to get lost in, people say mine are hypnotising but they obviously haven't seen Camila's. The thing she does with her tongue that makes her feel so proud, her little jumps of excitement when she does it sends my heart pounding. It might sound stupid but it really does" I stopped and began to think a little more and then loads more came things came flooding in.
"Her laugh is so contagious, it sends shivers down my back. The way she is so supportive and sympathetic over the littlest of my problems, she doesn't just care for you, she deeply cares for you and would do anything out there to make you feel happy. I love her smile, the way she smiles at me. No one looks at me or ever has looked at me in the way she looks at me, and like I said before it makes me feel special. She makes my heart beat 100 times its normal rate and I've never felt like this for anyone before. I love her for the way you make me feel when I am with her. I love how she make me smile and
I love it when we stay up late watching movies and fall asleep on the couch together with our feet in each other's faces. I love how her body feels next to mine when we can't sleep so we get in each other's bunks. I love knowing that if I died tomorrow, that I found my soul mate before I did die. I love the way she looks at me and that she respects me. I love that even though she knows everything about me she still look at me the way she always has done. I Love how adorable she is, I love the way she loves me and I love the way I love her. I love her touch and how she enjoy the little things I do for her and thinks they are big. I love the sparkle in her eyes when I am cuddling with her. Its amazing how our bodies connect like a puzzle when I lie on my side and she just connects to my back. Its great how we like the same music and her humour just cracks me up. How we complete each other's thoughts. I love the fact that we will grow old together and that she is my best friend in the whole world and always will be. I love it when we stay up late just hanging out with each other and each other only. She has made my life perfect, I love how we communicate so well. She always listen to what I say and then she tells me what she feels. I love it when she is the last voice I hear before I go to sleep and then she is the first voice when I wake up. I love that since the day she came into my life, everything's been perfect. She completes me and she is always there when I need her. The way she pushes my hair out of the way of my eyes. I love the fact I know she will always be there for me.
I love how I know she'll always be there when I need her to. I love her generous nature, outgoing personality, thoughtfulness, she always seems to know what I need. I love her warmth and kindness. I love that she loves spending time with me and the fact she has so many ticklish spots.
I love how she always seem to know what I need and how she makes me laugh. I love the way we finish each other's sentences and the fact that We never give up on each other. I can't imagine a day without her in my life.
I love the way she treats her loved ones, and how she always tries to protect me. She always takes my breath away. Her intelligence, her passion for life. I love how every time she walks into the room my heart skips a beat, and the ways she chooses to show her affection for me makes me feel loved. I love the way she look when she is sleeping and I love our life together. She always finds a way to take the time to thank me for doing everyday things. I love her confidence, her ability to make me feel better when times are tough and the way she supports me when I'm off track. She is always open to try new things and she always agrees to talk things through. I love her body and the way she takes the time to show me how much you have a movie addiction just like me. I love the life on the road with her and I love how she is not scared to show her affection when we are in public. I love her way with words and the special moments that we share. I love her competitiveness and the the surprises she does for me, she always does anything for you to make me happy. I love how even when shes not with me I still feel like she is right here with me because we are always talking to each other on the phone. I love the way she makes sure I won't do anything stupid. I just love her just the way she is, and all is this is just from one kiss..." I finally finished my lecture on how much I love her and Dinah looked at me with wide eyes.
"Shit you really do love her" she managed to say. I couldn't help but blush after that, it made me feel so much better getting that off my chest, but I immediately went back to the thought that she will never actually be mine. "She's never going to be mine in the way that I want her to be so"
"Ayy don't be like that! That was the cutest thing I have ever heard, you even made my eyes tear up" she admitted. I looked up at her and saw that her eyes were glazed over with tears. "I think I am going to tell her you know" I told dinah.
"When?"
"As soon as, the sooner I do it the sooner I will feel better I suppose" I explained. "well good luck you, I should say she will be back in an hour or so, maybe some sleep will do you good" she suggested
"Yeah I think I might, but one question?"
"What is it?" She asked me
"Do you find it annoying when interviewers ask you how your are and you just say your fine because you can't go into it because they will never understand" I asked the younger one who was about to leave my room.
"Yeah of course I do, no one actually understands what you are going though because everyone is different and handles things in different ways. Plus the interviewers make shit up so they don't really help, they just make you feel more shitty" she told me
"Oh right, not just me then" I said with a slight laugh
"Nah not just you, well you get some sleep you look shattered" she ordered. I nodded and pulled the duvet over me as she left the room.
Now all I had to was wait for Camila to come home so I could talk to her. Unless I freeze and back out.