Burning Ruins

Chapter Thirty Five

Chapter Thirty Five

Delaney

"Breathe everything will be ok." I whispered as I looked at myself in the mirror. "Just don't run into him, or ignore him while he's leaving for his flight."

I walked outside of the bedroom, my hair was still wet and clothes were tight against my body.

Was I trying to be tempting him... maybe. Or maybe I was trying to pretend that I never kissed Hunter. That I was backing into my monster. Maybe I was trying to not look at Axel and see that if I told him what Hunter and I did, what we talked about, would hurt him. I never wanted to hurt him.

Axel looked up from his food that he prepared and saw me.

I wanted to tell him the truth, everything. I wanted to hug him like I used too, kiss him like he was mine, like I was his. But ever since I kissed him, ever since I saw him I wonder who's I really am. I was afraid of my own demons inside me that the ones on the outside, the ones formed into humans... it's easier to talk about what they did wrong then my own wrongs.

So I play pretend, pretending was the only right thing I did as a child and seems to still latch onto me as an adult.

"I'm sorry." he whispered to me as I got closer.

"Don't." Don't make me want to fall back in and fall deeper into a feeling I can't seem to admit I have. Don't make me tell you all the wrongs I did to you. Don't make me stay when you deserve someone so much better.

"Don't tell you I'm fucking sorry for lying. I fucked up I know, I screw up all the damn time. That's the shit I do. I'm a fuck up."

We are all liars, his lies were kinder than mine are. His lies are always forgivable. He's never fucked up as bad as I did. Hasn't sleep with someone since we started this.... thing. But here I am kissing a man who never deserved it, who hurt me. But maybe I always hurt him. Maybe I'm the real monster.

"Don't do this to yourself Axel. Get on a plane, go to Tokyo and I'll still be here until I find an apartment." I looked at him and he nodded quiet.

He was almost out the door, almost away from me, almost gone so I could break down.

"I'm not sorry for one thing though." he looked at me dead in the eyes.

I watched him.

"What one thing." It came out weaker than I needed it to be.

"Telling you that I loved you." he waited for me to react, and I did. I lashed out because I was angry with myself.

"Get out!" I threw a glass at the door knowing I'd miss him in a long shot. "Get the fuck out!" I screamed tears falling and he left.

I stood there for a second as the tears streamed down my face and the feeling of the guilt sunk deeper than the feeling of gratitude. I had no gratitude, no happiness, no hope. I was drowning because I couldn't even admit to myself that I ruined the best thing to ever happen to me.

"I'm so fucking destructive." I whispered then allowing myself to fall to the ground.

I watched the time tick, watched the sun go in and out from the clouds. It was silent and my mind was exploring and my heart vibrating with the aching. But there was at some point in time when my mind went too far too deep that it made my heart disappear, the only thing that tells me I feel guilt, and want to be better. My mind on the other hand is what has always made chaos, mostly because of what drugs I fed it.

I got up, it felt almost mechanically and walked out on a hunt. A hunt to find someone to get answers, to get rid of this confusion and anger.

I walked to some bar and drank too much, met some drug addict and took too many. Making me hallucinate. Smoked too much in the back with his friends and the removed myself all together.